The Editor's Mess

'Twas the day before Xmas Vacation, and all through the office, not a worker was stirring not even Paul The Snitch (right).'Twas the day before Xmas Vacation, and all through the office,
not a worker was stirring not even Paul The Snitch. 
The desks were all cleaned, per the new corporate memo,
in the hopes that Auditors would not make you a demo.

The workers were nestled all snug in their cubes,
While visions of Walking Dead played on their smartphones.
And Donna, the office manager, and I in my hoody,
Had just finished discussing the spirit of casual Friday.

When out in the mail room there arose such a clatter;
I sprang from my cube to see what was the matter:
Away to the noise I flew like a flash,
Tore open my mail and threw away the envelope.

The letter was written from the new HR Dean,
A missive to the office from the new Queen of Mean:


2012-DEC-21

Dear LAST, FIRSTNAME :

Thank you LAST, FIRSTNAME for your [12] years of service with STATE_COMPANY_NAME .

Please accept this 8" CHEESE LOG & TABASCO, SM BOTTLE as a small token of our appreciation for your dedication and hard work along with FINAL CHECK INCL REMAINING PTO.  Your ADEQUATE contributions to DEPARTMENT_NAME have been duly recognized by your supervisor SMITH, SAM who regrets HE cannot be here to discuss REPLACE_WITH_PERSONAL_DISCUSSION_POINT_FROM_TERMINATION_WORKSHEET personally, but he is VACATION DEC 19-JAN 10 .

Unfortunately your position at STATE_COMPANY_NAME has been RIGHT-SIZED.  Your LAST DAY is TODAY .

You have been given this notice after being REMOVED FROM PREMISES to minimize WORKPLACE VIOLENCE INCIDENTS. We apologize for the abrupt nature of our security staff and hope you understand.  Your SECURITY BADGE/ACCESS CARDS have been DEACTIVATED & SHREDDED .

Your personal articles may be PICKED UP IN THE NW CORNER DUMPSTER sometime WITHIN 10 BUSINESS DAYS .

Please note that your FAMILY PHOTOS, 10 MISC./IPOD SPEAKERS/EARBUDS/CAR KEYS were incinerated to make way for THE TOASTER OVEN that was assigned your CUBE 109, SW CORNER, NEXT TO THE KITCHENETTE.

Job placement services WILL NOT be available for INSUFFICIENT_PAYGRADE . Career guidance counselors ALSO TERMINATED to assist you finding another position.

We wish you and NO FAMILY ON RECORD a APPROPRIATELY HAPPY NON-DENOMINATIONAL HOLIDAY SEASON to you and your loved ones, despite MID DECEMBER TERMINATIONS TO OFFSET MASSIVELY OVER BUDGET ACQUISITION COSTS .

Please use the 8" CHEESE LOG & TABASCO, SM BOTTLE in the spirit it was given!

Sincerely,

Human Resources
STATE_COMPANY_NAME

If it's the EDITOR'S MESS, let HIM clean it up.Bob (the mail room man) spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the mail slots, then turned to the office jerk (Ryan).
And laying a finger up his nose,
He left out the back, and the door he did close.

Merry X-Mas!!

 

Phot Credit: Flickr/Victor1558, USACE Europe District, Sailor Coruscant

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