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Japanese Emperor Akihito: 'Please, please let me rest.'

TOKYO - A draft of a government report today suggested that it would be possible for the aging Emperor Akihito to "abdicate" his throne and retire, something which has not happened in 200 years in Japan.

"Please let me rest, I'm tired and desire soup," said Emperor Akihito.The aging Akihito, son of Hirohito, has been emperor since 1989 following his father.  Now in his eighties, the aging ruler desperately asked to "please be allowed to rest" in a recent televised address.  "I am very old now, and just want to retire," Akihito said, pleading.  "This is really a ceremonial position anyway, but the scrutiny is incredible.  I do not want to be filmed falling down or drooling or some such.  Please, please let me rest, I'm tired and desire soup."

Debate in the National Diet was, as usual, low-key.  Liberal Democratic leader Hidehisa Otsuji was overheard whispering to other leaders that "this would be a terrible precedent," while others bowed and whispered back, "he is old, and just wants soup, let the man be."

The Japanese public, meanwhile, has been generally sympathetic.  "The Emperor is a great man and beloved by everyone," said typical Japanese businesswoman Mura Hikito, whom we stopped on the street in Tokyo.  "He is also an older man who wants to enjoy retirement and simply enjoy his soup.  I say he is entitled."

"Yes, why not," agreed businessman Hiro Mikomoti, bowing profusely and handing me his business card.  "He desires soup and is substantially aged.  I would want the same at his age."

The Tokyo Stock Exchanged opened mixed this morning, following the Emperor's address last night, with soup and food retailers rising but high-tech issues taking a severe beating.  By the late morning, the tide had reversed as profit-taking smacked around soup issues, leaving high-tech conglomerates to take a victory lap after a strong rebound.

President Signs Orders with EEG Pattern

WASHINGTON - Today President Trump signed more executive orders, including a withdrawal from the Pacific trade deal supported by President Obama, with his EEG pattern.  "We don't know why," said Senior White House Reporter Steve Stanley.

Here Trump's signature can clearly be seen in his Theta wave patterns."This is completely consistent with President Trump's open door policy of complete transparency," said White House spokesman Sean Spicer after hosing the down the rabid White House press corp with a high powered water cannon.  "He's literally telling you what's on his mind via his EEG [electroencephalography or brain pattern]."

Speaking on the condition that we mention her name "prominently," White House counselor Kellyanne Conway called all media coverage of the president's EEG signature "wildly inaccurate" and without the "correct facts, the facts that we alone possess."  (This was prior to the publication of this article, the only one mentioning it.)

Dr. Ben Carson, an accomplished neurosurgeon, nominee and obvious pick for Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, confirmed that the presidential EEG signature "closely correlated" to a typical "Theta wave pattern of the President."  Dr. Carson couldn't speculate as to why the president signed the executive orders with his Theta pattern wave, but he was "sure" the president "didn't know either."  After a quick nap, Dr. Carson went on to thank us for asking him a question "in his field for once," and then asked us "which way is the Congress."  We pointed to the Capitol rotunda in the distance and he seemed happy with that.

Wall Street shrugged off the president's odd behavior, sending pharma stocks soaring on "a potential surge in sleep disorder drugs" before plummeting when everyone remembered it was Monday and they were too tired for a rally.

President Trump Executive Decree Funds Message Couriers

WASHINGTON - Shortly after tweeting his oath of office, President Trump signed his first executive order to "vastly increase" the nation's message couriers, from approximately 9 currently to "many millions" by 2018.

Here the President asks who the hell's kids are these?Funding for the additional couriers, estimated at "not too much" will be paid for by an "excessive email tariff" that "will probably be paid for .... by the Chinese, I don't know, we'll see," the Executive Order read.

When not asked at all for a comment, the President tweeted: "This is a great day for America. Never trust email.ONLY send things by hand! Ask DNC!"

Speaking later, House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wisconsin) called the initiative "interesting" noting that it was also "consistent."

Wall Street used the news to savagely beat tech stocks, already wary and afraid, into a bloody pulp in swift morning trading.  Halting only to sop up the blood from its barbed wire-wrapped bat, The Street smiled and looked over the rest of the stocks, playing a game of "eeny, meeny, miny, moe"  before choosing Yahoo to be next.

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