ALLIGATOR POINT, FL - President Obama today narrowly escaped an alligator attack while proving the safety of Gulf Coast waters.
"The President was never in serious jeopardy," said Secret Service spokesman Jim "Chip" Cutters. "We had four sharpshooters covering every square foot of the presidential swimming perimeter. The alligator was at least 18 or 20 inches away from the president's back. Given the average swimming speed of gators in these parts, that means we had anywhere between 3 and 5 1/2 seconds to suppress the target. And we did it with time to spare."
Before the vicious attack was narrowly averted, the President spent some time talking with reporters. "It's absolutely vital," the President said, "for every American, to feel absolutely secure in travelling, once again, to Gulf Coast beaches. Despite all the trials, and tribulations that this area has had in recent months, the oil has been stopped, the ducks have been cleaned off and, in most cases, sent back into their natural habitat, or otherwise humanely disposed of. Let me say, with absolute clarity, the Gulf Coast beaches are as safe as they ever were.
"To demonstrate this, my family and myself will be swimming right here, in Alligator Point, off Panama City Beach, and we hope every American will join us."
"We hope this doesn't keep folks for travelling down here," said Mayor Jimmy Homes. "I mean, gators are around, sure, but that don't have nothin' to do with all that B.P. oil. I mean sure, that oil killed off lots of things them gators eat, ya know. So they're a little hungrier, that's all, but that'll change. We need those tourist dollars, you know what I mean?"