IRREVERENT News

OHIO - Local CPA Howard Dustin today suffered a panic attack as he read his anti-anxiety medicine's known side effects.

Local CPA Howard Dustin couldn't believe that his anti-anxiety medicine could make him more anxious or dead."Up to and including death?" screamed Dustin, pointing at the bottle and hyperventilating. "How does that help DECREASE my anxiety?" he asked, shouting, out of breath. "Wait, wait, wait: 'increased anxiety'?? That's a side-effect for an ANTI-anxiety medicine?? How does that make ANY sense?"

Dustin ranted and raved most of the morning, making his already high level of natural anxiety much, much worse. Fellow accountant Herbie Hancock, who works in the same office as Dustin, repeatedly told Dustin to "calm down" before he has "a heart attack."

Undeterred, though, Dustin got more and more worked up all day long over his medicine's possible side effects, until his wife suggested that he "avoid watching T.V. altogether" tonight, in an effort to avoid "another one of those damn drug commercials that... scare the hell out of [him]."

Reluctantly, Dustin agreed and instead read the newspaper. Unfortunately, drug-conglomerate Nabbit had taken out three full-page ads for the same drug. "'In some patients,'" Dustin read aloud using a magnifying glass, "'fatal events have been reported'!!!! 'Fatal events'??! There's only ONE 'fatal event,' bub, it's called DEATH and it only happens ONCE! How do they get away with this crap?! It's incredible!"

Eventually, Dustin's wife was forced to agree, after helping her husband breath into a paper bag to calm down. "They sue people and send them to jail for selling lettuce that makes a few people sick," said his wife, "but these guys can sell something to everyone that can outright kill you? Doesn't seem right to me."

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