WASHINGTON - President Trump today was treated by doctors at the Walter Reed National Military Medical Center for "severe cramping and signing blisters.. in [his red] right hand."
"His hand was inflamed and the President complained that it was both 'achy' and 'tingly,'" said Chief Surgeon Admiral Bill Billington. "We ordered a number of tests, but nothing serious was found beyond inflammation and some blisters. We attributed the trauma simply to 'signing strain,' particularly given how active his signing hand has been the past few weeks."
Before the hastily prepared press conference could continue, however, the President had signed an executive order in the examination room forbidding Billington from revealing any other details of the President's medical condition. Adm. Billington was then detained by the secret service for questioning.
Appearing apparently from nowhere, Kellyanne Conway was quick to characterize the President's condition, without being asked, as "excellent" and a "textbook model.. of human health." Pulled by the ear by Conway, White House spokesman Sean Spicer appeared from the crowd and added, "He is the very model of a modern major President." At this point the press conference degraded into song.
Busy speed-approving President Trump's nominees for his cabinet, Senate Republicans offered no comment on the President's condition, although at least one prominent Democrat did note that "clearly the President is deathly ill with some horrible, communicable disease."
Wall Street sluffed off the President's medical visit entirely, instead focusing on the cute new intern on the trading floor named "Kim" or "Kendra" or something. Wearing a navy blue business suit, the intern looked "23 or 24," and it didn't take long before traders had an impressive bet going on who would ask her to lunch first, that guy from Morgan with the mole on his cheek or Pete from Goldman with the new Ferrari.