EUROPE - Today we each examined our respective news feeds and tried, really really tried, to understand what in the hell the FIFA soccer scandal was all about.  We just don't get soccer.

About all we get here is that a guy named "Sepp Blatter" -- which appears to be his actual, real name and not one made up by Douglas Adams despite our collective incredulity -- is in all kinds of pictures holding his head like this, but we can't for the life of us figure out exactly why, other than it looks like it's some sort of sports corruption thing.

Seriously? Corruption in sports?  How on earth is that even news, let alone somehow causing enough angst to have this guy permanently face-palming?  Grow up, Europe.

In case you live elsewhere, let me explain: in the states, everyone naturally assumes that sports are corrupt.  It doesn't matter what sport.  Lawn darts, badminton, swimming (yes even Marco-Polo!!), football (real football people), baseball, hell even Forrest Gump's ping ball tourney was rigged, let's face facts.  Anything that anyone can conceivably bet on will eventually be corrupt, don't act like you didn't know that, Europe.  Monte Carlo has been around a helluva lot longer than Las Vegas, and you have way more complicated games like Baccarat which I only know how to play thanks to a youth misspent watching James Bond movies.  You educated the world in corruption.  Corruption and Martinis.  And horribly sexist and racist one-liners.

So don't act so bloody innocent.