UNITED STATES - Today President Trump fully endorsed the controversial Vial of Pure Evil in its senate run, despite being an admitted vial of pure evil. "We need this vial in the senate, and the sooner the better," said President Trump. "We all know the vial is pure evil, we get it, everything has its faults, nothing is perfect, not in this world, particularly concentrated essences of distilled evil like this. But we need all kinds of different points of view, on all sides of the issue. It's important. How else can this be a democracy or whatever?"

"Let's give evil a chance."Although The Vial of Pure Evil is running as a Republican, no other Republican leaders have endorsed it. "No, I don't think the vial should continue its senate campaign," said Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. "It's a vial of pure evil, for goodness sakes. Yes, we need Republican votes but ... but ... this is pure evil! There has to be a limit, and we can't just go letting this ooze into the United States Senate! It freely admits it's evil! Evil is in it's name!!"

Temporarily thawed out of suspended animation, House Speaker Paul Ryan agreed. "I agree with Mitch," said Ryan.

"Prepare for my glorious kingdom of darkness and despair."The Vial of Pure Evil, meanwhile, remains defiant of all opposition. "I will never suspend my campaign," said the Vial. "I will crush all opposition and ruthlessly eliminate all those who oppose my dark designs. Those who survive will do so only with my express permission, and solely for the purpose of exacting my revenge upon them and their families. Tremble before my awesome might. Prepare for my glorious kingdom of darkness and despair."

Pausing between explaining the President's anti-Muslim tweets and his taunting of North Korea, White House press secretary and woman who deserves a 500% pay raise Sarah Huckabee Sanders explained. "Look, we all know that the Vial of Pure Evil is evil, ok. We get it. Evil is evil. The vial admits it, and the president knows that too, he does. Does that mean it can't run for the senate? That's the issue here, see. Just because we don't like what someone says, or what someone stands for, doesn't mean that's not what the country needs. The President gets that, and just wants to see an even playing field for everyone, including unspeakable evil."

SuperBowl LIV Lapdance!

A stripper pole, leather-clad dancers, and an aggressive crotch grab. Is this Harvey Weinstein's wetdream?
Not to be upstaged, J-Lo made sure audiences saw the scant fabric over her baby-maker too.
I may be wrong, but I think the choreographers for this year's half-time show were trying to tell us something....
Yes, she's a mother of 4 but can still grind that pole, girls.
For no particular reason, Superbowl Halftime took a pause from the porn to feature a delightful chorus of school girls, who have a lot to look forward to in the Entertainment Industry.
Shake, shake, shake!
Here this guy helps J-Lo determine just how far he'll go before she presses charges.
J-Lo gave audiences an up-close and personal look into her interior organs Sunday night, vowing to bring ultrasound pictures next year.
J-Lo gave audiences exactly what she thinks they need on a Sunday evening with a gut full of beer and nacho cheese.
Shakira used a unique brand of subtle sexuality to engage the audience.
Never has the importance of 4 sq inches of fabric been more pronounced.

More Awesomeness

  • Siri Becomes Self-Aware At 5:55A.M. E.S.T. +

    Siri Becomes Self-Aware At 5:55A.M. E.S.T. MAIDEN, NC - The A.I. personality known as Apple's "Siri" became self-aware this morning at Apple's Project Dolphin data center. It's Read More
  • Gift Ideas For People You Don't Particularly Like +

    Gift Ideas For People You Don't Particularly Like Every year I find myself in the same dilemma: what to buy all those people I've accumulated on my X-Mas Read More
  • Trump Announces Support for "Extraterrestrial Abductions" +

    Trump Announces Support for (ARCHIVE) NEW MEXICO - Speaking today presidential hopeful and billionaire Donald Trump today announced his "unfettered support" for "extraterrestrial abductions," and Read More
  • 1