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Yalvard Commencement Address 2011

June 7, 2011. Meadow's Alma Mater, Ravenswood, Connecticut

Yalvard commencement address.  Womans picture, Flickr/jameskm03.Thank you, Chancellor Banks, and may I say you have an even lovelier posterior in the daylight. Dean McDonald, regents, faculty, dear students, and friends, including new friends from last night. I have the check right here for the damages Delta Phi Gamma, stop by my hotel room later as agreed.

Commencement. WikiPedia calls commencement "the ceremony at which students receive academic degrees." It's also the name of an album by the rock band "Deadsy," it turns out, which proves, once again why I love the Internet. Never before have so many been able to be sidetracked so easily. Still, Groupon made me a fortune so who's complaining.

[inset pos=left]Now you can Tweet your junk everywhere and it's perfectly legal.[/inset]Commencement. It's a time of transition, to be sure. Transition is also an operation of a finite-state machine, in case you were wondering. But in this case, we're talking about a transition from one reality to another. A reality in which you are surrounded by your peers, many of whom are holding and are chronic insomniacs; a reality in which powerfully fun drugs are a campus call away, as I confirmed myself only last night. Jesse, you have a future in logistics, and I'm a man of my word. I'm calling Fred Smith over at FedEx as soon as I leave here, I hope you can start Monday.

The rest of you, however, won't be nearly as lucky as Jesse. I remember graduating from Yalvard myself, too many years ago now, smack into one of the worst job markets in a decade. It was a tough, tough ride. But that was nothing compared to what you're about to face, thank god for that. You guys are pretty screwed.

Yet, there is hope. When I graduated, the prospect of tweeting your junk to coeds across the country was an unthinkable reality. The Internet and Twitter had yet to evolve. If you wanted to send lewd pix of yourself to anonymous coeds, you had very few options. Sure you could mail them, but that made it a federal crime. Now you can Tweet your junk everywhere and it's perfectly legal. Yes, you'll lose your job, but nothing associated with your junk is free, trust me on that.

Read more: Yalvard Commencement Address 2011

Episode 15: Hu's On First?

IRREVERENT goes to Washington D.C. to cover the state dinner for visiting Chinese President Hu Jintao, hosted by President Obama.

[Celebrity voices are impersonated.  People, products or services mentioned in the podcast are not inteded to imply an endorsement of IRREVERENT nor any other product or service unless otherwise stated.]

Listen Now!

The News Rodeo and Slaughterhouse Theme Music: www.purple-planet.com

Episode 16: Is Obama a Muslim?

Following the drunken debate over whether Japanese food is better than Chinese, the gang tackles the question that tantalized a nation for a few news cycles: Is President Obama really a Muslim?

In Slaughterhouse, IRREVERENT's new intern MAX POWER gets his first taste of life in the big city covering one of the biggest environmental stories Hidden Bunker has ever seen. 

NOTE: This episode contains strong language and is intended for mature audiences.


Listen Now!

The News Rodeo and Slaughterhouse Theme Music: www.purple-planet.com

Disclaimer

Opinions, random thoughts, gestures, gesticulations, comments, bizarre rantings or anything anyone on the planet (or elsewhere) may possibly find objectionable, actionable, stupid, pointless, and/or misleadingly silly may or may not be shared by the management of IRREVERENT Publishing, LLC. Celebrity voices in the IRREVERENT Podcast are impersonated. People, products or services mentioned or depicted in IRREVERENT Magazine are referenced only for humorous or satirical comment, and are not intended to imply an endorsement of IRREVERENT nor any other product or service unless explicitly stated otherwise.