The Editor's Mess

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year^TM, according to many experts in the field, including greeting card companies and ye olde crooners like Andy Williams.  It’s time to gather the family around the fireplace and drink all sorts of nog – egg-nog, cinnamon-toast-nog, pumpkin-spice-nog, all generously laced with rum and brandy – so the adults get X-mas happy while the kids carefully rehearse how many toys they want, including every major A-list game title, nextgen console upgrade, and which $4,000+ new gaming rig they can’t live without.

It is, therefore, also a time for great indebtedness for parents, which makes it the perfect time for re-gifting!  That is, taking all the unwanted crap people have gifted to you, and gifting them (ideally) to someone else, so you don’t have to squander your hard-earned, inflation ravaged moola. It just makes solid financial sense.

This can be a sensitive matter, giving someone your gift.  You run the risk of embarrassment or retaliation unless you don’t particularly care.  If this describes you, read on, chumply, read on.

Conventional Wisdom: Ensure the Gift is Unused and in Good Condition
DGAF: Clean It, Jam It Into That Amazon Box You Found By The Dumpster, Wrap It

Let’s face it, some presents you didn’t know were crap until you opened it and used it a while, like, say that air-fryer you got from that one “uncle” you NEVER leave small children alone with, despite nobody ever actually telling you anything that warranted such paranoia.  So you cooked some stuff with it, say that semi-frozen calamari you’ve been inexplicably hoarding in the back of your fridge that has probably spoiled.  You quickly realize this thing doesn’t work as advertised, largely because Uncle Ted got the cheapest Chinese-knock-off he could find (i.e., Nimjase Air-Like Fryer Orven! [sic]), instead of getting you something that didn’t spontaneously burst into flames thanks to a poorly regulated temperature gauge and the best substandard electrical wiring child-labor can deliver.

Never fear: “Aunt” Doris will NEVER use this thing anyway.  Clean it reasonably well, jam it in that dusty Amazon box, and wrap it with the rest of last year’s reindeer/snowflake wrapping paper.  Stick on one of those crushed, pre-made bows you found in the back of your closet and... DONE.

Conventional Wisdom: Keep Track of the Original Giver
DGAF: Russian Roulette Can Be Fun

The traditional re-gifting wisdom says you really should remember who gave you what P.O.S., so that you don’t get horribly embarrassed by re-gifting back to the person who originally bought it for you.  Personally, I think that takes a LOT of fun out of life.  Live a little!  Are you REALLY going to write down somewhere who gave you that USB pet-rock, or that bean bag chair, just so you can avoid gifting it back?  WHO CARES!?  Seriously, if they remember giving you that garbage, and are actually offended that you gave it back to them, f*** ‘em.  It was a thoughtless, pointless gift to begin with, their embarrassment proves it.  Back at you, buddy!

Conventional Wisdom: Personalize the Gift So It’s Suitable for the New Recipient
DGAF: Give Them Something Useless That’s Already Personalized For You

Monogrammed towels, cuff-links, gift-boxes, trinkets, anything that has your initials or name on it, give it as-is to that jackass on your list who’s initials or name is NOTHING like yours.  This will only underscore how little you actually care about shopping for him/her, and let’s face it, the feeling’s mutual so don’t sweat it.

Conventional Wisdom: Consider the Occasion
DGAF: Ignore The Occasion And Get Rid of Useless Crap

Remember that “comic” gift that Sahly-with-the-silent-“h” from Media Outreach (i.e., she who sits on X all day shitposting) gave you in last year’s Secret Santa debacle?  Yeah, that one, that thing that you just knew was so bad you didn’t even bother opening it.  Time to unload.

Give that Secret Santa Shite as a birthday present for that questionable acquaintance in your life that someone else is forcing you to get a gift for.  You know, that guy your girlfriend is insisting you be nice to, so much so that you’re positive she’s boning him?  Gird those loins for some off-brand Walgreens after-shave, numb-nuts.

Conventional Wisdom: Be Honest if Asked
DGAF: Lie Your Ass Off

Ok, slick, let’s be honest: engaging in this type of behavior is going to blow up on you sooner or later.  Someone is going to get wind that you (shock) ACTUALLY GAVE AWAY that bedazzled salad bowl to some other cretin, and dramatically confront you about it.  This tasteless oaf will, of course, be angry with you, and you’ll have a potentially explosive situation on your hands.

Time to lie your ass off, buddy.  “I’m so sorry! It was just such a fabulous gift, that meant so much to me, I thought it was just perfect for [whoever]!  Better than anything I would’ve got [him or her]!”  Or: “That lying bitch Sahly-with-the-silent-‘h’, you believe her?  No way, I still have your stained-glass axolotl right there on my mantle over the fireplace!”  Or even: “I would rather die than re-gift anything as fine as your multi-colored macaroni encrusted beer stein!”

So there it is.  For most people, re-gifting is approached with care, if at all, and done by always keeping the original gifter and latest recipient in mind.  By rejecting all that crap, you’re able to unload a lot more worthless, thoughtless junk onto those who deserve it, and shift those dollars to yourself.   Take the money you otherwise would’ve spent, and buy yourself something you ACTUALLY want, or, better yet, something better for the folks in your life who matter to you as much as you matter to them.

Have a Merry Merry, and a Happy Happy!