IRREVERENT Magazine - Features

Holy fuck.  You would think that busting my nuts every month for this two bit piece of shit rag would be enough.  You would think that having three fucking stars to my name would somehow earn me the right to tell a colleague to "Fuck off!" whenever he tries to pry cooking advice out of me.  You would think that after singlehandedly raising the goddamn style quotient in this cesspit of fratboy yuckmeisters, where the height of culture used to be a dildo-tipped beer bong filled with Milwaukee's Best, that I could somehow tell the editor to shove his "hey yeah do that, it's a great idea," ideas right up his thumb stretched ass.  You might think that, but then you would be just another dumbfuck cuntlick who couldn't heat water if he threw a toaster in the bathtub.  Instead, I gotta entertain Mercer's sick fantasy about the bread he apparently fucked during his recent trip to Ireland.

Well fuck.  Might as well get this puppy girl and pony show on the road.  First, let me say something about Irish bread.  There are three countries that immediately come to mind when the words "drunken bastards" come floating through the air:  Russia, Germany, Ireland.  It's no surprise that these three countries have some of the darkest, foulest, bowel cleansing, provided it hasn't bound your gut up, bread on the planet.  These fuckers need to drink just to forget that waiting at home is another three loaves of the shit.  Yet, despite hundreds of years of war, revolution and famine, caused by a desire to make other people eat the bread, avoid eating the bread, and refusing to eat the bread, dumb ass Americans have completely fucking fallen in love with the crusty crap that passes for "traditional" baking.  My colleague, the well travelled Mr. Mercer, is no fucking exception.

I thought when I first met the dumb son of a bitch that he was a man of the world.  The kind of person that could see right through the purpose of "regional specialties" like "Rocky Mountain Oysters" or haggis. No way was Mercer going to be caught eating deep fried bull balls or sheep guts stuffed with sheep guts just to keep the locals entertained.  Then the asswipe minced into my kitchen like a buttmunching queer eye metrosexual and asked me, ME if I could help him bake this fantastic bread that he found in Ireland, dense, dark, hearty, perfect for an active person with a thing for colon health.  To add insult to injury the fucking ponce asked if I could modify the recipe so he could use his goddamn bread machine.  I naturally threw him out of the "kitchen" the publisher of this rag has given me and that, co-incidentally enough, is when Scott stuck his ugly Irish/German (see a fucking pattern?) mug into it.  "People like bread," he announced before releasing a particularly loud and sour fart and taking his fat ass off to the bathroom with a copy of Girl's Life and a bottle of Jergen's.

Now the thing that really frosted my nuts is that I had to consult with my boulanger.  That's breadmaker for you cunts that eat "freedom" fries.  When the dumb bitch got done laughing her head off and realized that I was serious, she went on a 30 minute crying jag.  Seems that asking her to even touch recipes for peasant "puke" as she put it was too much.  After promising her that she wouldn't have to actually make it, and that I would feature one of her specialty brioche on the next menu, she finally came up with three recipes.  I chose two because quite frankly that's the kind of passive aggressive fuck I am.  So this month I present a traditional Irish Rough Brown Bread and an Irish Oat Bread.

This shit goes down better if you use traditional kinds of ingredients.  This will involve spending some money and time at the supermarket, but everything you need is easily available.  Especially if you're the kind of hippie fuck that hangs out at food co-ops.  The stuff you won't be familiar with are the steel cut oats also called pinhead oatmeal, which is why Mercer loves it so much, and the whole wheat flour.  McCann's makes an Irish steel cut oatmeal that is imported and comes in a metal can.  Save your money and get Bob's Red Mill Steel Cut Oats.*  Rolled oats are the shit that your mom poured down your throat for breakfast after she got done humping "Uncle" Frank, and oat bran is, of course oat bran.  If you look at Figure 1, you'll see starting at the top and going clockwise steel cut oats, oat bran,whole wheat flour, and rolled oats. You also won't be familiar with the buttermilk, but that's easily found in the dairy section.  The buttermilk's high acidity is what activates the leavening action of the soda and baking powder so it's critical.  If your spouse/significant other/fuckpet whines about wasting buttermilk, you can get a dehydrated form that will work just fine.  These two recipes together will use about 1 quart so you shouldn't waste much and if you do have any left over use it in place of yogurt for a smoothie.

Alright so let's start with the Rough Brown Bread

3 cups whole wheat flour
1 cup white flour
5 tbsp rolled oatmeal
3 tbsp steel cut oatmeal (optional)
2 1/2 tsp baking powder
300 ml (yeah metric...deal) buttermilk
1 large egg
2 1/2 teaspoons olive oil

Preheat oven to 400º F.  Mix the dry ingredients together, then mix the wet ingredients together.  Form a well in the dry ingredients and mix in the wet ingredients completely (Figure 2).    Knead a little.  Form into a ball (boule) and cut a cross in the top.  Put this shit onto a baking stone.§   Pop it into the oven and after 10 minutes turn the heat down to 375° and bake for 30 more minutes. It should sound hollow when tapped on the bottom.  Wrap in a clean towel and let it rest for about half an hour before cutting (Figure 3).

Whew, that was a lot of fucking work.  I sure wish I had used a fucking bread machine for that! Dick.

Next up Oat Bread.  This is supposed to be an extremely traditional bread.  It probably didn't use much baking powder, at least not the type made by the Clabber Girl, but who cares?  This doesn't use any wheat at all, but that doesn't mean that it's gluten free.  I don't need to give a fuck, but if you do I'd ask your fucking Doctor.  I'm sure he'd love to charge you another $75 bucks to tell you that you're a cocksucking idiot with gluten sensitivity.  Also known as a pussy.

Pre-heat your oven to 350° F.  Mix all the ingredients together.  The mixture will be fairly moist, almost like a muffin batter (Figure 4).   Let it sit for 30 minutes. to give the buttermilk and soda time to mix and neutralize.  Grease up, and optionally dust with flour, an average sized loaf pan.  Again stoneware is best, but you are a fuck so you can use glass or non-reactive metal.  Copper can poison you if it comes in contact with something acidic like buttermilk.  Pour the mixture into the pan and bake for an hour.  It should sound hollow when tapped.  Let cool for 30 minutes before cutting.

There you go.  Neither of these is the dark brown bread that Mercer seems to like serving with a side of his own spunk, but they are rough, edible, colon clearing breads that your fucked up friends will be so happy to shove down their gullets.  Particularly if you jam a couple pints of Guinness into them first.  Serve this with just about anything, but my auburn haired beauty and I prefer the method pictured in Figure 5:  butter and strawberry.  Have plenty of liquids on hand if you make a regular diet of this or it will bind you up something fierce.  Finally, if you must make these in a bread machine, you are a cocksucking cuntlicking fuck with no more good taste than a whore who leaves her tampon string visible.  Because you are so stupid, however,  I'll take pity on your street walking, gutter wiping, disease ridden carcass and suggest that you could probably do these with the full amounts listed if your bread machine produces two pound loaves.  If it's smaller, adjust accordingly.  Now fuck off, I've got some real cooking to do.

*By the way you cynical cocksucker Bob is not paying me any money.  In fact we'll be lucky if he doesn't ask to have this recommendation removed.  Bob's a nice guy, but do not order direct.  His shipping prices don't come with lubricant.  Use the store locater on his website and buy his shit at your local grocery store.

§If you don't have stone baking ware I don't even know why you are fucking bothering.  Jesus Christ it's the single easiest type of cookware to use because it doesn't even need that much maintenance.  God you are a fucking puke.