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I've got a new career selling snail slime from Niger. The beautiful African country of Niger, formerly the world's largest exporter of gnats and yellow pancake for making A-bombs.  

I imported three hundred and sixty Nigerian slime producing snails. What is snail slime used for you might ask? You name it. An elixir for the skin. Produces beautiful skin by removing the toxins and filth clinging to you in your everyday life. You have to try and ignore your disgusting skin, but other people can see it and probably smell it.

Instead, you get snails to suck that crapolla out of there, out of those tiny tiny pores. It's pretty exciting to have something slimy suck the smuck right out of you through miniscule holes.

In fact, I've gotten very attached to my snails. I let them crawl all ooooover my body. All oooovvver!

Just lay back and enjoy something wet and slick that looks like a giant nose goo with a shell on its back crawl along each and every passageway, each orifice.  

Talk about your tactile stimulation!

I'm giving up women. I'll go for snails every time. I don't have to buy something for them on their birthday, and they don't nag me. They just give me a going over which is what I wanted from the start. It's purely physical.

It's pure lust.

After an erotic session with the snails, I've got the purest smoothest skin that makes yours look like dusty sandpaper. I venture into the office and my female co-workers drop what they're doing and feel me, my hands, my back and neck. They can't keep their fingers off me. They're jealous, but I won't reveal my secrets. Not unless they produce money.

If you're like most people, your skin is a pockmarked landscape of vomitous looking blackheads and pores with hairs growing out of the yellow festering muck and long dormant acne where the bile has dried up and sits there filling in a hole with pressure building like a volcano.  

Eventually, if nothing is done, your skin around this tiny boil simply caves in and leaves a hole in the side of your face that convinces your neighbors you have a mysterious social disease.  

Why suffer?

I won't bore you with factual details, but snails as they crawl along give off and leave behind a substance that is technically called an "enzyme."  

This mucus-like stuff is chock full of wonder producing byproducts. In fact, if you put your snails in a blender and ground them up and drank the stuff it's also an aphrodisiac. But I could never do that to my snails. I love them too much.

Some times I like to put them under my armpits and let them crawl out in all directions in a round-robin fetish where anything can happen.  

Other times I let them attempt to crawl inside my ears and suck out the wax.

Man, you talk about your major "symbiosis." That's where two dissimilar organisms live together for mutual benefit. Like a remora fish and a shark. The remora swims next to the shark and eats particles of food the shark misses, also cleans off parasites.  

My snails suck the crap outta me. They love it.

But I have to make a living, so I'm setting up a Genuine Nigerian Snail Slime Salon where people can come to have the rancid reeking wretch stuff removed.

Snail mail me twenty dollars for a free brochure on getting a starter kit to set up your own snail slime business.


©2006, SammonSays.com. Reprinted with permission.