IRREVERENT News

NEW YORK - The story behind the terrifying ascension of newsmodel Katie Couric to the head of CBS news was revealed recently: CEO Leslie Moonves was very drunk.

Recalling the incident at the annual convention of CBS affiliates, Moonves admitted the pair drank "bottles of wine on [his] couch" before offering the top news job to Couric, who had no experience for the position, but declined further comment on what else may have occurred on the couch.  The Couric announcement had sent shockwaves through the journalistic establishment, many of whom called the move "the final desecration of the Walter Cronkite legacy" and a clear sign "of the end time."

"First Arnold Schwarzenegger, and now this," noted one despondent CBS veteran reporter, who has since resigned.  "May as well have Kermit the Frog for President and Carrot Top as the next Ed Morrow.  Hey, why not.  Our public life gets destroyed and nobody reports it. Who cares anyway, right?"

Despite criticism, and obvious intoxication, Moonves defended his decision.  "True I had drunk a prodigious amount of vino, surely more... than enough to... kill a lesser man," the CEO confessed to the affiliates, a cocktail sloshing in his hand.  "But there was Katie right... there next to me, matching glass after glass... shot after shot, until the empties rolled around us and she slurred yes, although to what I'm not exactly sure."  At this point, Moonves fell from the podium and into the central floral arrangement at CBS Executive Vice President Ed Miers' table, which also hosted Miers' wife, three adult children, and Moonves' wife Carolyn.

Reached at his Martha's Vineyard home, former CBS anchor Walter Cronkite told IRREVERENT that although the Couric announcement had "horrified [him] beyond words," he's grown more philosophical in advanced age.  "Determining the national dialogue is the responsibility of the younger generation," said Cronkite.  "And they can destroy it anyway they want to."