Fueled by increasing worldwide demand, refining issues, and unrelated massive industry profits, prices for unleaded gasoline today eeked into the "Silly" level, one small step below "Ludicrous," marking the highest level achieved in recorded history. Morbidly obese former-ExxonMobil CEO Lee "Mayonnaise" Raymond, speaking at a recent industry event, noted the price hikes with bemused surprise. "The world has an increasing appetite for Texas tea," Raymond told reporters, "much like my boundless appetite for mayonnaise smothered, deep-fried pork rinds dipped in maple syrup. As long as folks keep eating them things like they're going out of style, prices are gonna keep leap-frogging." Raymond then heaved his jiggling mass off a semi-broken recliner and into his personal Bobcat lifter to be carted off to a nearby golf course.
Some industry watchdogs, however, were less quick to draw a direct correlation between demand and recent price moves. "To say that industry profit margins have no affect on price levels is like saying pregnancy has no relation to sexual intercourse," said Steven S. Stevens, a fellow at the J. John Johnson Foundation, a Washington-based economic thinktank. "But in this case, we're the ones getting screwed."
On the campaign trail, Presidential hopefuls were quick to offer their own plans for the energy crunch. "I would offer hope to the millions of Americans making the difficult choice between feeding their family and filling-up their SUV," said Senator Barrack Obama during an unusual break from his stump speech in Boise, Idaho. "I would direct everyone who's interested in my energy plan to this 789 page book I wrote several years ago on the closely related subject of religious belief, and the power its had in formulating my worldview of compassion."
"My plan for addressing the energy crisis has nothing whatsoever to do with Obama's message of 'hope' that he's spreading through the potato fields," commented Senator Hilliary Clinton at a whistlestop luncheon outside Omaha, Nebraska. "If my years of government experience has shown me anything, it's that this guy's ass-load of hope doesn't bake the biscuits when the rubber hits the road in Washington. You need a leader with the experience and vision to accomplish whatever it is we're talking about here, with the moral certainty that only comes with many years of fighting in the trenches for the rank and file American public."
Senator McCain, slightly less lucid, chimed in over serving lunch to returning veterans of the Iraq conflict. "What I would do is gather dozens of the most senior leaders in the oil industry together, sit down and share a good cup of tea with an Ensure chaser. Then, and only then, would they realize what it's like to have your testes shocked for years by those bastard VC at Hoa Lo Prison. And then I'd make them pay. I'd make them all pay."
Wall Street reacted little over the escalation of gas prices, edging only slightly upward in modest afternoon trading. At one point it waved its arms furiously over its head in a brief show of support, only to be smacked down violently by a weak opening of the FTSE. After work, the Street noted disappointed and resentment at the overseas exchange's willingness to drink on the job and get away with it.
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