IRREVERENT News

WASHINGTON - Pay Czar Ken Feinberg blasted the world's Uranium enrichment programs today as "totally unfair."

"We seek equal richness for all Uranium," said Feinberg via Twitter. "Why should some elements suffer, others get rich off government largess?" tweeted the Czar.  "This is unfair, unnecessary, and just plain silly."

Iran's new Defense Minister, General Ahmad Vahidi, was quick to tweet back.  "This is typical Western elitism."  Followed by, "We will not halt our Uranium enrich. program."  Finally ending with, "Who the hell is Kenneth Feinberg?"

This prompted an immediate retaliatory strike on Israel's official Defense Ministry Facebook page.  "They can tweet all they wish about Uranium equality, but know this," typed Israeli Defense Minister Ehud Barak, "as long as there are stockpiles of rich metallic elements surrounding us, we shall make our own elements fabulously wealthy, dripping with richness.  They enrich Uranium, we'll enrich all our actinoid elements, up to and including Lawrencium!"

The social media flame war reached its peak tonight when President Obama himself weighed in via his Blackberry, just before dessert at a black-tie event honoring Iraq military veterans.  "we stnd 4 eqality 4 all & uran is no diffrnt," the President tweeted.  "we cal on all natons 2 folw r lead & stop enrich som elemnts & not othrs."

Wall Street reacted violently to the possibility of equal wealth distribution, even in rare earth elements, with disastrous results.  Panicked investors sent shares of all major corporations plummeting in frantic late afternoon selling.  By the time we caught up with him, The Street was gasping for breath at the side of the trading pit, recovering from a full-blown panic attack.  He asked for a double scotch neat, immediately pounded it back and re-entered the pit, beating away all those who blocked him.