IRREVERENT News

GOOBERTON, N.C.--All along the eastern seaboard, residents are gearing up for the assault of Hurricane Earl. From Georgia to Maine, state governors are calling up elite National Guard recovery units made up of search and rescue slugs.

Originally imported from France the slugs underwent extensive training as part of Homeland Security's airport drug search program. Critics of the slugs' deployment have suggested that, despite intensive retraining for their new mission, the slugs will only be able to identify and rescue drug addicts. “As if that weren't enough,” said Slug's Rights Activist James Partridge, “they will most likely find the ocean's saltwater environment difficult to survive. It's just unconscionable what we're asking these beautiful and intelligent creatures to do.”

In an effort to reduce the risk to the slugs, several coastal states are racing to get slug slickers fitted. "Look, I dont' think you understand the scope of the problem," said General George P. Crubitz of the North Carolina National Guard Slug-Drug Interdiction Unit. "Not only are the slugs very small, and difficult to tailor for, but we don't even have a cool sounding acronym. I mean NCNCSDIU? What the hell is that?" When asked about other hazards the slugs might face, General Crubitz said,”Well, I'll tell ya, if you try packing those little guys into a bag, all you get is giant gummy ball of gunk. So we got some government funds to send the little glorious basterds first class in their own individual seats. I know it's a lot of money, but it is imperative we get those oozers up and in position before that storm rips the coast a new A-hole.”

At her home near Russia, Sarah Palin blasted the President's response to the Earl Crisis in a hastily arranged press tweet. "@sarafans The President wants to put average patriots like us down. He wants to fight Joe the Plummer, & Earl the Hurricane because they are just plain folk. My solution? I would use my American pride and God-given wishiness to will those people to safety on the east coast." Twitter officials had no comment regarding how the political dilettante managed to subvert the 140 character limit, but promised to immediately launch an investigation.

Responding to the criticism from the failed vice-presidential candidate, White House Deputy Spokesperson Vinnie "The Bull" Jones said, "Frankly, I'm a little stymied she didn't try to shoot the hurricane from a helicopter."

Reaction to Earl's approach was mixed on Wall Street with losers outpacing gainers on heavy trading. "Look dude, all I know is that the storm surge is going to be epic!" said one analyst as he headed out the door with his board. "Surf's up dude!"