IRREVERENT News

SEOUL, SOUTH KOREA--Kia Motors announced today that it would recall 56,000 Souls due to faulty wiring that could cause fires.

“We regret that, due to a dishonorable manufacturing process, 56,000 Souls were released into consumer’s hands,” said Meow Chung Lee, Chief of Media Relations for the South Korean manufacturer at a hastily called and badly dubbed press conference. “We also would like to express our regret that, due to a misunderstanding regarding the name of the vehicle, all of the owners of the vehicles were ‘taken into the light.’ Please be assured that we have top marketing professionals working on the problem and expect to have it rectified in the next few days. Until then, for your sake, and the sake of your wives and children, don’t go near your car!” Lee then performed an obscure Asian ritual and vanished in a puff of smoke.

Reached for comment at a summoning ceremony conducted by Wicca Local 101 in Salem, Massachusetts, Stanley Reaper, spokesman for the Grim Reaper Evaluation and Acquisition Team, Inc., or GREAT, issued a statement of apology, "Yeah, we got notification of a recall and naturally sprang into action. Our Trapper Reaper team set up posts to make our collection. We thought it was a little odd that all of the targets were seated in the same make and model of car. Imagine our surprise we noticed the CARS were called ‘Souls.’ Weren't our faces red? Well not faces, exactly, ‘cause, you know, we’re kinda skeletal, but anyway we would like to apologize to the 56,000 families for the error. It's mostly clerical, you know how that is.” When asked whether GREAT would be compensating the victim’s families, Reaper replied, “Well obviously we’re going to do our best to make it up to them. Since none of them are Amish, they’ll all have to be relegated to the depths of Hell, but we will be giving them occasional vacation vouchers for stays on the first level. Also, we will ensure that none of them are turned into zombies or vampires.” Reaper then issued a warning, “I would like to issue a warning, however, that we will vigorously defend ourselves against any lawsuits seeking any further redress or compensation for those involved in this incident. Remember: You can’t beat death, nor can you issue him a summons.”

News of the recall and subsequent deaths distracted Wall Street where stocks of antique farming equipment fell sharply. Those losses were moderately offset when well known atheists Christopher Hitchens and Richard Dawkins announced that they “couldn’t stomach such a load of bollocks.”