MADISON - In a press statement today, police warned citizens to be on the lookout for "any type of athletic leader," and avoid them at all cost.
"Athletic leaders -- including football, basketball, volleyball and certainly swimming coaches and all types of athletic director -- should be considered, like Hollywood celebrities, vicious sexual predators and avoided wherever they are found," said Police Commissioner Bud Halifax. "Paul Mira, Bobby Dodd, Jerry Sandusky and John Chadima are just the tip of what these dangerous athletic leaders can and will do to anyone that comes in contact with them."
Few in the sports community disagreed with the police warning. Those who did were put under immediate academic probation or worse as suspected sex offenders, with the exception of Mark Cuban. "It's true that this industry is lousy with perverts and all manner of miscreant," said Cuban, mid-way through destroying his desk with a hand axe. "Everyone knows that, and I don't think that means you have to instantly avoid all these creepy coaches, just use your common sense. I think it has a lot to do with the shorts."
Prince Fielder, meanwhile, sitting atop a giant pile of money, told reporters today that he attributes much of his success in professional baseball because he "always avoided" his "coaches, assistant coaches and anyone in charge of any athletic program" he participated in. "They always want to touch your junk," said Fielder, who then fell over and was lost inside a pile of crisp new $100 bills.
Photos: Andy Colwell/The Patriot-News/AP Photo, CNN