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Written by Scott Meadow

WASHINGTON - In a move that shocked many in the political establishment, today Republican leaders announced their intention to form a brand new political party called "No-Trumps."  When Donald Trump asked if he could join via twitter, Speaker Paul Ryan quickly tweeted, "No TRUMPS!" without realizing it was a public reply.

"We are pleased to announce this new party will be 100% Trump free," Speaker Ryan (R-Wisconsin) told the assembled press.  "We'd like to say to the entire established base of the Republican party, your money and confidence would be well suited to join us, as we are much more in line with the values established since Lincoln.  That other party, the current so-called 'G.O.P. party,' accent on the old, can remain the home for vitriolic lunatics and madmen and all those who support them."

After a rally in Concord, North Carolina, Republican frontrunner Donald Trump when asked for a reaction to the news that the majority of the Republican leadership will be abandoning the party, responded:  "F*** them."  Adding, "And f*** you for asking."

Wall Street meanwhile did a backflip and summersault, finishing up standing on a single arm with grand flourish complete with an exploding confetti canon on the news, sending energy and manufacturing stocks sharply higher. Stocks recoiled later, however, when the Street took to heavy panic selling in early afternoon trading following a bit too much to drink over lunch combined with four street dogs that just weren't sitting well.

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Written by Scott Meadow

LONDON – An international group of scientists today at the Biannual Consolidated Research Conference announced, during the keynote speech, that a whopping “78.63% of all scientific research published… is totally depressing.”

“It is a sad fact, literally, that so much of our hard work winds up telling a horrifically depressing, yet highly accurate tale,” said Dr. Neils Brannigan, the conference’s head organizer. “Yet there are many other, non-depressing things too that we, as scientists, also study.”

Read more: Scientists Report 78.6% of Research Depressing

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Written by Scott Meadow

WASHINGTON - Despite poor weather conditions in many states, today's Super Tuesday primaries have once again proven that absolutely nobody knows what in the hell the average American voter is thinking.

With Trump currently projected to win in at least 7 states and many GOP insiders seriously contemplating suicide, Hilary Clinton is likewise expected to beat Bernie Sanders in a showing that nobody without easy access to legalized marijuana seriously questioned.

As if to quell the GOP establishment, Trump was typically diplomatic.  "I don't give a damn what any of those idiots think of me," Trump screamed at supporters.  "When you've got 'em by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow!"

Clinton, meanwhile, spent much of the evening secretly drinking heavily as she contemplated the prospect of facing the billionaire casino owner and reality T.V. star in an actual general election.

Bernie Sanders, in true form, celebrated something.

"Not only is this one of the most interesting election cycles in recent history, it has to be, and I'll check this, one of the stupidest exhibitions of American political frustration and apathy in a generation," noted Harvard professor of politics Jude Landlawson. "This is a tsunami of indifference mashing violently against an increasingly disenfranchised and powerless voting bloc; one that is finally able to express every latent bias and horrible prejudice that would otherwise get them chastised by a modern society that has left them behind.  In short, [Trump] has become a pressure valve for the bigoted, a sort of relief valve for the undereducated and unsophisticated.  And they're exercising the one thing they've got left: their vote."