IRREVERENT News

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Written by Scott Meadow

HOLLYWOOD – Today, Academy Award winner Leonardo DiCaprio announced that he would like to dedicate his win “to the plight of lions, tigers and bears… worldwide.”

“I have always had a great affinity to animals,” DiCaprio explained during the hastily prepared press conference today.  “This goes beyond that.  I want to raise awareness, particularly among our fellow animal performers, without who the likes of ‘We Bought a Zoo,’ and ‘Kung Fu Panda’ would be meaningless.”

When a reporter corrected DiCaprio, noting “Kung Fu Panda” was an animated film, the actor abruptly ended the interview.

DiCaprio, who became the public face of the “anti-prairie oyster” movement in 2014, has long shown an interest in the well-being of animal performers working in the Hollywood system.   Starting with his friendship with the animal wrangler on 2002’s “Gangs of New York,” DiCaprio began speaking publically shortly afterward about the “horrible, long hours” spent by animals involved in a major film production.

“The lights are hot and the hours long and tedious,” DiCaprio said in a 2003 interview with “Amazing Animalist” magazine.  “They literally get paid peanuts and it’s a terrible lens through which to see our industry, one that has since its inception been dedicated to speaking out against injustice and advocating for fairness.  Well at least sort of recently anyway.”

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Written by Scott Meadow

WASHINGTON - Astronaut Scott Kelly, who landed back on earth yesterday after an amazing year in space, reportedly went missing last night after watching news coverage of Super Tuesday primary returns.  Early this morning, NASA officials confirmed -- after checking Kelly's twitter feed -- that the astronaut "apparently bailed the planet... citing that 'humanity looks much better from 250 miles overhead.'"

"You're all f****** nuts," tweeted Kelly shortly after launch, followed by: "I don't know if #AnotherYearInSpace will be enough, but I hope you come to your senses."

When asked about the apparent connection between his Super Tuesday victories and the astronaut's decision to leave the planet, GOP contender Donald Trump responded, "F*** him."

NASA, meanwhile, has been left to speculate how the sole astronaut was able to organize and execute a space launch virtually "on the fly" less than a day after returning to earth.  "Clearly we have some, uhh, major security gaps here," said NASA spokesman Arnie Bot.  "Rest assured we will look into these issues and produce a hefty report at some distant future date.  In the meantime we're making sure that front gate is locked and we've also made some personnel changes in the security guard department."

Wall Street opened sharply higher after hitting a couple nostrils full of pure Peruvian flake this morning, before medics were called near the end of the morning trading session on a possible overdose scare.  Recouping early in the afternoon, the Street is said to have checked its blood pressure before jumping into an inscrutable energy selling frenzy just after lunch.

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Written by Scott Meadow

POLAND - At the annual gathering of cognitive scientists in Warsaw this Friday, acclaimed neurologist and author Karl Schanzer announced that his landmark comparitive study showed that "no matter the background of the speaker or content of the speech.. Germans who speak publically all still sound a little like Hitler."

"We're not sure exactly why this is," Schanzer said during his keynote speech.  "However, when controlled for audience bias and preconceptions, by and large German public speakers are all rated as 'slightly' or 'moderately' like Hitler over the 22,000 cases we've studied.  If the speakers gets excited over anything, anthing at all, that increases to 'seriously like' or 'identical' to Hitler."

Although the so-called "Hitler-effect" has been noted by social scientists since the 1950s, this is the first empirical neurological study to validate the effect.