WASHINGTON - Astronaut Scott Kelly, who landed back on earth yesterday after an amazing year in space, reportedly went missing last night after watching news coverage of Super Tuesday primary returns.  Early this morning, NASA officials confirmed -- after checking Kelly's twitter feed -- that the astronaut "apparently bailed the planet... citing that 'humanity looks much better from 250 miles overhead.'"

Astronaut Kelly's twitter feed."You're all f****** nuts," tweeted Kelly shortly after launch, followed by: "I don't know if #AnotherYearInSpace will be enough, but I hope you come to your senses."

When asked about the apparent connection between his Super Tuesday victories and the astronaut's decision to leave the planet, GOP contender Donald Trump responded, "F*** him."

NASA, meanwhile, has been left to speculate how the sole astronaut was able to organize and execute a space launch virtually "on the fly" less than a day after returning to earth.  "Clearly we have some, uhh, major security gaps here," said NASA spokesman Arnie Bot.  "Rest assured we will look into these issues and produce a hefty report at some distant future date.  In the meantime we're making sure that front gate is locked and we've also made some personnel changes in the security guard department."

Wall Street opened sharply higher after hitting a couple nostrils full of pure Peruvian flake this morning, before medics were called near the end of the morning trading session on a possible overdose scare.  Recouping early in the afternoon, the Street is said to have checked its blood pressure before jumping into an inscrutable energy selling frenzy just after lunch.

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