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(ARCHIVE) NEW MEXICO - Speaking today presidential hopeful and billionaire Donald Trump today announced his "unfettered support" for "extraterrestrial abductions," and invited alien beings "not of this earth" to do "whatever they wished" with earthlings, particularly "Mexicans."

"I think, like many of you, that aliens exist, they're here and I want nothing more than to fully welcome them with open arms," Trump said at the hastily prepared press conference.  "They can abduct all the Mexicans they want to."

Donald Trump today announced aliens could abduct as many Mexicans as their ships could hold.Taking a brief pause, Trump clarified his statement.  "I don't want anyone to be confused either, I do not dislike Mexican-Americans or the Mexican people themselves, far from it.  I hope latino voters are listening here too: I am not the 'racist' I've been called in the popular press.  All I said was that the Mexican government is smart, very smart, by exporting their drug dealers, rapists and criminals into our country.  That's all I said.  Didn't anybody see 'Scarface'?"

"He was Cuban," an unidentified reporter shouted.  "And Al Pacino is Italian," another reporter added.

"Look whatever," Trump shouted.

"Look he's rig...," a nearby Ann Coulter started.

"Don't fucking help me, Ann," Trump interjected.

Closed on Saturday, Wall Street barely reacted at all to Trump's statement of extraterrestrial support, his unhelpful "backtracking" to the weeks' comic blunders, nor Ann Coulter.  Instead, the Street's personal valet mixed up a huge carafe of extra dry Martinis and continued with the Street's mani-pedi, pausing only briefly to switch channels between 'American Greed' and Wimbledon coverage.

SuperBowl LIV Lapdance!

A stripper pole, leather-clad dancers, and an aggressive crotch grab. Is this Harvey Weinstein's wetdream?
Not to be upstaged, J-Lo made sure audiences saw the scant fabric over her baby-maker too.
I may be wrong, but I think the choreographers for this year's half-time show were trying to tell us something....
Yes, she's a mother of 4 but can still grind that pole, girls.
For no particular reason, Superbowl Halftime took a pause from the porn to feature a delightful chorus of school girls, who have a lot to look forward to in the Entertainment Industry.
Shake, shake, shake!
Here this guy helps J-Lo determine just how far he'll go before she presses charges.
J-Lo gave audiences an up-close and personal look into her interior organs Sunday night, vowing to bring ultrasound pictures next year.
J-Lo gave audiences exactly what she thinks they need on a Sunday evening with a gut full of beer and nacho cheese.
Shakira used a unique brand of subtle sexuality to engage the audience.
Never has the importance of 4 sq inches of fabric been more pronounced.

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