(ARCHIVE) NEW MEXICO - Speaking today presidential hopeful and billionaire Donald Trump today announced his "unfettered support" for "extraterrestrial abductions," and invited alien beings "not of this earth" to do "whatever they wished" with earthlings, particularly "Mexicans."
"I think, like many of you, that aliens exist, they're here and I want nothing more than to fully welcome them with open arms," Trump said at the hastily prepared press conference. "They can abduct all the Mexicans they want to."
Taking a brief pause, Trump clarified his statement. "I don't want anyone to be confused either, I do not dislike Mexican-Americans or the Mexican people themselves, far from it. I hope latino voters are listening here too: I am not the 'racist' I've been called in the popular press. All I said was that the Mexican government is smart, very smart, by exporting their drug dealers, rapists and criminals into our country. That's all I said. Didn't anybody see 'Scarface'?"
"He was Cuban," an unidentified reporter shouted. "And Al Pacino is Italian," another reporter added.
"Look whatever," Trump shouted.
"Look he's rig...," a nearby Ann Coulter started.
"Don't fucking help me, Ann," Trump interjected.
Closed on Saturday, Wall Street barely reacted at all to Trump's statement of extraterrestrial support, his unhelpful "backtracking" to the weeks' comic blunders, nor Ann Coulter. Instead, the Street's personal valet mixed up a huge carafe of extra dry Martinis and continued with the Street's mani-pedi, pausing only briefly to switch channels between 'American Greed' and Wimbledon coverage.