Special Features

John Sammon, longtime IRREVERENT pal, shares with us installments from his (as of yet) unproduced sitcom. Think "Fawlty Towers" meets "Caddyshack." -S.M.

So Says Sammon with John SammonLance is a golf pro who runs a golf course and has a short temper. Manelito is a Spaniard who works as a golf attendant
at minimum wage and knows more English than he lets on to keep Lance off balance and to fool him.

Today a group of visiting golfers from India are going to play. Golf carts are lined up.

FADE IN:

INT. ELITE MANOR ACRES GOLF COURSE PRO SHOP – DAY

LANCE
Where is Manelito?

STAFFER
I don’t know.

LANCE
Go find him.

Staffer hurries off.

LANCE
The lazy good for nothing bastard,
I’d fire him if I could. But no,
bags-under-the eyes Johnson the big
executive in the big office hired
him and likes the bastard for some
reason. The dunce doesn’t even speak
English. If I’m lucky maybe Manelito
will get deported.

Manelito appears.

LANCE
Did you park the golf carts outside
that way?

MANELITO
Si.

LANCE
I told you to park them from left to
right with the cart that starts on
hole one on the left.

MANELITO
Si.

LANCE
Why aren’t they parked that way?

 

MANELITO
(points to himself in
mock puzzlement)
No, right?

LANCE
Don’t act stupid with me. You parked
the carts in the wrong order. The
two golfers who start on hole one,
their cart should be over there. The
two golfers who start on hole two,
their cart should be parked next to
that one, and so on. You got it ass-
backwards. Don’t you know your left
from your right?

MANELITO
Si I know.

LANCE
(sneering)
You don’t know?

MANELITO
(English subtitles,
means yes blowhard)
Si duro.

LANCE
What? Speak English.

MANELITO
Senor?

LANCE
What are you going to do about it?

MANELITO
Me park da carts better.

LANCE
You bet you will or I’ll run your
ass right out of here understand?

MANELITO
(English subtitle,
means nitwit)
Simplon!

LANCE
What?

MANELITO
Pardon.

 

LANCE
Pardon what?

MANELITO
Pardon.

LANCE
(yelling)
Pardon I heard that do you have to
repeat it?

MANELITO
Si.

LANCE
I think you’re an idiot that’s what
I think.

MANELITO
(English subtitles
means, not me, you)
No yo, tu.

LANCE
What did you say?

MANELITO
What is?

LANCE
What?

MANELITO
(means, maybe)
Quizas!

LANCE
Are you calling me a kiss-ass?

MANELITO
No senor. Por favor!

LANCE
One word from me and you’re toast.
Get over there and check those carts.

MANELITO
(English subtitles,
means crap eater)
Comedor de basura!

LANCE
Do the job I told you to.

 

MANELITO
Si.

EXT. GOLF CART STAGING AREA – DAY

An Indian golfer notices his name is not on a small paper
placard on a cart, removes it, and with a pen crosses out
the name of a golfer who had to cancel and couldn’t attend
the tournament. With a pen he writes his own name on the
placard and leaves. Lance comes and notices the pen-written
name.

LANCE
(shouting)
Manelito!

Manelito comes running.

LANCE
What is this?

MANELITO
What?

LANCE
(shows him the paper)
That!

MANELITO
A piece of paper senior.

LANCE
(cruelly mimics)
A…piece…of….paper.

MANELITO
Si senor!

LANCE
Did you do this?

MANELITO
What senor?

LANCE
Write on the goddamn paper!

MANELITO
No senor.

LANCE
Then who did?

MANELITO
Me no know senor.

 

LANCE
You no know?

MANELITO
No senor.

LANCE
Why don’t you know?

MANELITO
Si no know.

LANCE
You mean you don’t know who wrote
this?

MANELITO
No senor.

LANCE
(holds up paper)
Does this look professional?

MANELITO
(puzzled)
Pro-fesh-ill?

LANCE
(yells)
Professional!

MANELITO
Oh boy!

Manelito shakes his head.

Lance angrily pulls the paper taught with his hands bringing
it right next to Manelito’s face.

LANCE
This writing says Achmed Muhhamed
Chubasi. Did you write this to play
a trick on me?

MANELITO
Who me senor?

LANCE
You’re Manelito.

MANELITO
Yes who me?

LANCE
Yes you!

 

MANELITO
No senor.

LANCE
Get out of here.

Manelito turns to leave. Lance grabs his arm.

LANCE
No get out of here. I meant you’re
lying.

INT. PRO SHOP – DAY

Mr. Goldbrick one of the members of the golf club equates
money with personal worth and if you don’t have a lot of
money you’re not worth anything, according to Goldbrick.

LANCE
(yelling)
Manelito get in here!

MANELITO
(smiling)
Senor?

LANCE
You know Goldbrick?

MANELITO
Si.

LANCE
I want you to take him some coffee.
Get coffee in a thermos and take it
to him. He’s on hole number three.

MANELITO
Café?

LANCE
Yes in the café, where they make the
coffee. Is this going to tax your
brain Manelito?

MANELITO
Senor?

LANCE
Manelito, you think if I gave you a
month you could find a way to carry
this out? Bring some coffee to a
member. You think you’re up to this?

 

MANELITO
Si.

LANCE
(as though to a child)
You go to the restaurant and ask for
some coffee. They give you the coffee
in a container. You then get in your
golf cart with the coffee in the
container and drive to hole number
three. You get out of your cart with
the coffee and give it to Goldbrick.
He thanks you. You thank him. Then
you get back in your cart and drive
away. Understand?

MANELITO
Si hole number tres.

LANCE
I’m trusting you to do this job. Of
course if you can’t, if you screw
this up, maybe we could assign you a
job that would better fit your
aptitude, like pushing a broom for
instance, or cleaning out toilets.

MANELITO
Si.

Manelito turns to go and Lance grumbles to himself at the
cash register.

LANCE
The old coot Goldbrick thinks he’s
better than everyone else because he
has a lot of money. The old bastard!
If there was a pile of rocks with a
hole in it, he would unzip his fly
and stick his thing inside it just
to tease the snake.

INT. RESTAURANT - DAY

Manelito goes into the club restaurant, gets the coffee.

EXT. GOLF COURSE FAIRWAY – DAY

Manelito gets in a golf cart and drives up to hole number
three. There he finds Goldbrick, an old, cranky-looking man.

GOLDBRICK
(to his golfing partner)
There he is finally. These Latins
move so slow.

 

Manelito holds the coffee.

MANELITO
Here is the café senor.

Manelito waits.

GOLDBRICK
(laughs)
Just put it over there. You haven’t
stolen my car yet have you Manelito?

Manelito waits.

GOLDBRICK
Okay you can go. Oh, I suppose you
want a tip. Here.

Goldbrick hands Manelito a quarter. Manelito turns to go and
pauses.

MANELITO
Senor?

GOLDBRICK
Yes?

MANELITO
Why you tease a snake?

GOLDBRICK
What?

MANELITO
With your penis?

GOLDBRICK
What are you talking about?

MANELITO
(points to his crotch)
Senor Lance he say you look for a
rock with a hole to stick your penis
inside.

GOLDBRICK
Oh he said that did he?

INT. PRO SHOP - DAY

Manelito walks by the pro shop open door. There Goldbrick is
chewing Lance’s ass up one side and down the other. Lance,
who offers not a word of resistance, is standing stiff,
trembling; white as a sheet. Manelito laughs to himself.

  • Strap In, Folks It's time to get NASTY!
  • Who... are... you? Here Bloomberg and Biden try desperately to figure out who they're speaking to, and why.
  • OOH OOH OOH!! MR. KOTTER! Here candidates for the most powerful political office on earth raise their hands to speak.
  • When You're Smiling Here Senator Klobuchar smiles and smiles leadership.
  • You S.O.B.! This jerk wants United States citizens to have a HIGH STANDARD OF LIVING ***AND*** HEALTHCARE!! You son-of-a-bitch!
  • Call Me Petey. Pete Buttigieg, the former mayor of South Bend, Indiana. We assume he thought this place sold farm implements.
  • Think, Amy, THINK! Here Senator Klobuchar tries to remember a nursery rhyme from childhood.
  • Billionaire-off "As your candidate, I will meet with Trump and out-billionaire the hell out of him."
  • Diversity Yup. That's diverse.
  • Can We At Least Have A Buzzer? "Senator Warren!" "What is looking like an idiot." "Correct!"
  • Not AGAIN! This jerk also wants to END HOMELESSNESS by saying a few thousand families owning 90% of America's wealth IS BAD and should STOP? You fucker.
  • Face-off Here Bernie and Bloomberg hold their own grumpiest old man competition.
  • Please, teach, pick me! Here Senator Elizabeth Warren of Massachusetts raises her hand because the others are saying nasty things about her policy.
  • O no you DIDN'T! Here Warren yells at Bloomberg for being a richer jerk than the rest of them, except for Pete, who's the poorest.
  • Strap In, Folks
  • Who... are... you?
  • OOH OOH OOH!! MR. KOTTER!
  • When You're Smiling
  • You S.O.B.!
  • Call Me Petey.
  • Think, Amy, THINK!
  • Billionaire-off
  • Diversity
  • Can We At Least Have A Buzzer?
  • Not AGAIN!
  • Face-off
  • Please, teach, pick me!
  • O no you DIDN'T!

  • Donald Trump Is The President Yup. Donald Trump is the president.
  • Take That Nance! Oh you just wait until the speech is over.
  • This Is An Emotional High Applause paid for by the Trump Foundation.
  • Awkward Waiting for a blind date that your friends described as an "asshole with a great heart."
  • We Were Ordered To Attend And we're fucking thrilled.
  • This Guy's Just Positive DAMN life's good!
  • I Am Clapping I am clapping. I am fun being.
  • Wake Me When It's Over
  • Who Farted?
  • You're Going to Acquit Me, Right? Always Be Closing.
  • Don't Kill The Messenger I'm just the screaming guy, you guys elected him.
  • Yes She Did She'd been waiting for 90 minutes to do this and damn it feels good to be gansta.
  • Mic Drop With the speech in tatters, she's outa there.
  • I Am Being Thrilled Yes, Donald. I am being much excited. Thank you for asking.
  • Donald Trump Is The President
  • Take That Nance!
  • This Is An Emotional High
  • Awkward
  • We Were Ordered To Attend
  • This Guy's Just Positive
  • I Am Clapping
  • Wake Me When It's Over
  • Who Farted?
  • You're Going to Acquit Me, Right?
  • Don't Kill The Messenger
  • Yes She Did
  • Mic Drop
  • I Am Being Thrilled

Bundy: Falling for a Killer

  • You're Gonna Make It After All!
    You're Gonna Make It After All! Here Bundy shows the world that there's a lighter side to barbaric psychopathic violence.
  • Bodies Roasting Over An Open Fire...
    Bodies Roasting Over An Open Fire...
  • Nobody Looks Good After Being Arrested
    Nobody Looks Good After Being Arrested
  • I May Be Just A Simple Psycho Lawyer...
    I May Be Just A Simple Psycho Lawyer...
  • The Girlfriend
    The Girlfriend She was Bundy's girlfriend for a while in the beginning, and now she's ready to cash in on the renewed interest. Honestly good for her.
  • Just An Ordinary Psychopath
    Just An Ordinary Psychopath
  • Killer Groupie Three
    Killer Groupie Three "I know he kills women exactly like me but he's just so cute! Nobody's perfect!"
  • Killer Groupie Two
    Killer Groupie Two "He could diddle my grapefruits any time!"
  • Killer Groupie One
    Killer Groupie One "I'm not afraid. He just doesn't look like a killer. God he looks so dreamy!"
  • The Girlfriend's Daughter
    The Girlfriend's Daughter Here she describes living with the serial killer wasn't the go-lucky funness you'd expect.
  • Ted the Goofball
    Ted the Goofball He was a happy-go-lucky murderer, the Homer Simpson of serial-killing.
  • Ted Bundy or Julian Lennon
    Ted Bundy or Julian Lennon Back before fax machines or the internet, cops only had crap like this to work with so don't be too judgy.
  • Smile You Sucker
    Smile You Sucker Ted Bundy, mild-mannered Republican campaign worker with a personal sense of justice.
  • You're Gonna Make It After All!
  • Bodies Roasting Over An Open Fire...
  • Nobody Looks Good After Being Arrested
  • I May Be Just A Simple Psycho Lawyer...
  • The Girlfriend
  • Just An Ordinary Psychopath
  • Killer Groupie Three
  • Killer Groupie Two
  • Killer Groupie One
  • The Girlfriend's Daughter
  • Ted the Goofball
  • Ted Bundy or Julian Lennon
  • Smile You Sucker

I’m 63 and I’ve discovered I have a zit. Imagine, at my age. This is a throwback to my high school days. Perhaps I’m was trying to relive my youth through the raising up of enough grease inside my skin to achieve one last zit.
 
So Says SammonIt’s a whopper of fair size too. You’d think I wasn’t capable of it. You see, when you’re young, you’re pretty greasy, sort of like a new car all lubricated and ready to go out and race through life in a body that just like that in a car has never been left out in the outside air to start drying out. If you’re a pimply kid, your skin is almost dripping with ooze in addition to tons of sperm from your reproductive organ.
 
Talk about sperm.
 
You could look at somebody practically if you’re a 14-year-old boy and make them pregnant. I ran out of sperm a long time ago but that doesn’t stop me from trying to raise it. Oh, we’re talking about sperm here and I’m getting off the subject of having a zit.
 
Come to think of it, generating sperm and expending it and popping a luscious zit are almost the same kind of experience. They both feel so good. Pressure is applied in both cases and there is a sudden release of power, followed by a rush of disgusting bodily fluid. In fact, sperm and puss from a zit look pretty much the same although pus is a bit more yellowish in color.

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