Donald Trump is sitting on a toilet seat in the White House, in the same spot where Abraham Lincoln used to sit.
How he misses his New York penthouse with its golden toilet seat, solid gold 14 karat.
“What a screwed up old dump this place (White House) is,” Trump tells himself. “Lots of old rooms with sh’..ty furniture with floors that creak when you walk on them and paintings of old guys most of them losers (former presidents), except for Andrew Jackson.”
Trump thinks he (Jackson) was cool he wiped out the Cherokees and beat a guy to death on the front lawn of the White House (this last part is historically inaccurate, but Trump doesn’t know American history).
“I’m too good to be living here.”
(Trump has an ever-moist sense of self-pity).
Trump goes to bed alone.
He hears a rattling at the door and sees a light. A ghost enters wearing chains.
“Who the F are you?” Trump says.
“I am the Ghost of Misbehavior Past,” the ghost wails.
“Get the F out of here.”
“Make me,” the ghost wails.
Read more: Criminal Carol: Donny Gets a Visit from Three Ghosts
Okay Don, as your unofficial, unauthorized, advisor, I have been thinking of ways we can smear Kamala Harris, to get at Joe Biden. Remember, Biden is too centrist a politician to attack his loyalty, but Kamala……..
That’s another story.
I don’t think we should try another birther scam like the one we pulled on Obama, that’s been done, and if we do that again, we will be accused of not being bright enough to come up with something new and fresh.
It is true that Harris’ mother comes from India, and if she were a man we could try a smear insult epithet on her like calling her “Gunga Din,” you know, that water boy in the 1890 poem by Rudyard Kipling extolling the virtues of British imperialism, the guy who gave his life so that the English could enslave his country.
Oh that’s right Don, you don’t read poems or books, that’s for sissies and women.
Nobody remembers who Gunga Din was anyway.
We can’t call Kamala Harris “Sabu the Elephant Boy,” because again, she’s a woman, Sabu, the kid who rode the elephant in old 1930’s Hollywood movies in his underwear on a back lot near what is today Universal City.
Hey Don, remember when you called Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas,” because she expressed pride in some Native American Indian heritage? That insult got some laughs from our right-wing followers who enjoy sixth-grade-schoolyard-bully-type insults.
Donald Trump’s recent statement, “It is what it is,” referring to the COVID-19 pandemic, will rank with Marie Antoinette’s famous remark, “Let Them Eat Cake,” although historians tell us she never in reality said that.
That statement instead reflected what the French public thought about her before they chopped off her head in 1793, that she was a heartless egotist and elitist of the first water.
In Trump’s case he really did say, “It is what it is,” which translated means, “This pandemic is a pain in the ass for me, it disrupts my political campaign and my ability to strut around and act the big guy and goddamn it, I have to act like I care when I really don’t. If you die from the virus that’s your tough luck (F-word) you. I don’t want to give you any money either. Go back to work you lazy bastard.”
It’s a funny thing about the presidency, not funny, I mean strange, and we’ve had so many strange ones, none stranger than the Napoleon-wanna-be we have in the White House now.
When you’re president people expect you to act tough and Trump’s okay here he can scowl and grimace and adopt theatrical poses (hand-on-hip), although wit, charm and warmth he is incapable of.
With Trump, insulting and mocking is it.
If he was a horse, you would call him a “one-trick pony.”
Donald Trump made America great, or Donald Trump is making America great.
When you hear someone who supports Trump say that, what do they mean by great?
Great in what way?
Let’s use logic.
Let’s assume Donald Trump made America great, or is making American great.
If he makes America great, then it couldn’t be great before he took office. To become great, you have to be not great before you became great. You can’t already be great and then make something great.
You have to go from being un-great, to great.
What was different (not great) when Obama was in office that’s great now? If you say Obama was black and Trump white and that’s why we became great when Trump took office you’re a racist. But we know even if you feel that way you won’t admit it.
You don’t want to come off like a racist.
Back to great. What’s great?
The economy? There are people who associate greatness with the size of their wallet. I try not to be that way—to reduce down a quality of character simply to how much money you have or can borrow.
In the Bible Jesus overturned the tables of the money changers, so it’s pretty obvious Jesus did not appreciate a money-grubber.
Some people think the sole worth of a person is things, personal possessions; if he has an expensive car, a boat, a big house (all usually for many of us brought on credit), and sits on a golden toilet seat like Trump.
Maybe you tell yourself with Trump in office you too can have a golden toilet seat.
This perhaps is the sole reason for thinking Trump made America great.
Let’s assume there was no COVID-19 pandemic. You can’t claim you made things great with people getting sick all over the place. But let’s assume that never happened; let’s assume the economy was doing just okay as it was before the pandemic, not great, just okay.
Let’s assume you think Trump in his time in office had made the economy great, even though the economy was on the upswing during Obama after he inherited when Bush left office the worst recession since the Great Depression of 1932.
And even though the middle class has been scrimped down it takes two people in many cases working two jobs today to earn what one person did in 1958 to live well.
For one person to claim responsibility for an economy that has hundreds even thousands of determining factors, interest rates, the Fed, the behavior or misbehavior of banks, the Stock Market which is highly sensitive depending on world events and results in investor confidence or lack of it.
The economy goes in cycles. What the economy is today goes back farther than Trump’s taking office.
For Trump to claim credit for an economy in which more money than ever is in the hands of a few mega-wealthy and the country owes billions more (deficit) than ever in the red----to call it greatness---this is a kind of mass fallacy/lunacy.
Let’s be honest. Let’s assume all you care about is yourself. You don’t care about anyone or anything else other than yourself, not climate change, not the suffering of less fortunate people---nothing.
You’re going to try and tell me before Trump took office your sole focus on yourself was not great----but now it’s great?
I mean, just in your own case----because if this is the type of person you are, you are the only one you think about.
Did Trump make it great for you where it was lousy before? How did he do it? How are you radically different than three years ago?
You have to wear a mask.
Trump’s claim to greatness is as if I said I alone am responsible for the sun rising yesterday.
That would make me greater than Trump. I made the sun come up and he didn’t.
It makes as much sense.
What do you mean by great? Great how?
Militarily? I don’t equate greatness with merely having a big and powerful army and lots of weapons. Is naked military power greatness to you? We had the same doomsday weapons during Obama that we have under Trump, so Trump could not have made America great in that way.
Are we great because we have more freedom than other people in other countries? Certainly, we’re more free than people in North Korea, but no Canadian would tell you he thinks you’re more free than he is (even with socialized medical care).
Is it because as citizens we can have guns?
Again, during Obama you could have a gun just like now. I’m not against the Constitution guaranteeing the right to possess firearms, but is our dysfunctional obsession with guns in a manner that no other country exhibits anywhere except here-----is that greatness----or a national disgrace?
Hitler promised to make Germany great again.
One thing about promising to make a country great, you should spell out what it is you mean by great, but if you do spell it out, you run the risk people will disagree-------with your concept of greatness.
I could get a hat and print an idiotic slogan on it that doesn’t present any specifics about what I mean or any facts to back up the specifics.
How about these:
In addition to “Great.”
More like the Mafia
I think it’s great we’re great again, but I don’t know how we are. No one including Trump has ever said how we are.
John Sammon is a freelance writer, whose upcoming CD of a capella Gregorian chants sung over a unique spin of EDM trap/hip-hop is currently for sale wherever such things are sold.
John Sammon, longtime IRREVERENT pal, shares with us installments from his (as of yet) unproduced sitcom. Think "Fawlty Towers" meets "Caddyshack." -S.M.
Lance is a golf pro who runs a golf course and has a short temper. Manelito is a Spaniard who works as a golf attendant
at minimum wage and knows more English than he lets on to keep Lance off balance and to fool him.
Today a group of visiting golfers from India are going to play. Golf carts are lined up.
INT. ELITE MANOR ACRES GOLF COURSE PRO SHOP – DAY
Where is Manelito?
I don’t know.
Go find him.
Staffer hurries off.
The lazy good for nothing bastard,
I’d fire him if I could. But no,
bags-under-the eyes Johnson the big
executive in the big office hired
him and likes the bastard for some
reason. The dunce doesn’t even speak
English. If I’m lucky maybe Manelito
will get deported.
Did you park the golf carts outside
I told you to park them from left to
right with the cart that starts on
hole one on the left.
Why aren’t they parked that way?
(points to himself in
Don’t act stupid with me. You parked
the carts in the wrong order. The
two golfers who start on hole one,
their cart should be over there. The
two golfers who start on hole two,
their cart should be parked next to
that one, and so on. You got it ass-
backwards. Don’t you know your left
from your right?
Si I know.
You don’t know?
means yes blowhard)
What? Speak English.
What are you going to do about it?
Me park da carts better.
You bet you will or I’ll run your
ass right out of here understand?
Pardon I heard that do you have to
I think you’re an idiot that’s what
means, not me, you)
No yo, tu.
What did you say?
Are you calling me a kiss-ass?
No senor. Por favor!
One word from me and you’re toast.
Get over there and check those carts.
means crap eater)
Comedor de basura!
Do the job I told you to.
EXT. GOLF CART STAGING AREA – DAY
An Indian golfer notices his name is not on a small paper
placard on a cart, removes it, and with a pen crosses out
the name of a golfer who had to cancel and couldn’t attend
the tournament. With a pen he writes his own name on the
placard and leaves. Lance comes and notices the pen-written
Manelito comes running.
What is this?
(shows him the paper)
A piece of paper senior.
Did you do this?
Write on the goddamn paper!
Then who did?
Me no know senor.
You no know?
Why don’t you know?
Si no know.
You mean you don’t know who wrote
(holds up paper)
Does this look professional?
Manelito shakes his head.
Lance angrily pulls the paper taught with his hands bringing
it right next to Manelito’s face.
This writing says Achmed Muhhamed
Chubasi. Did you write this to play
a trick on me?
Who me senor?
Yes who me?
Get out of here.
Manelito turns to leave. Lance grabs his arm.
No get out of here. I meant you’re
INT. PRO SHOP – DAY
Mr. Goldbrick one of the members of the golf club equates
money with personal worth and if you don’t have a lot of
money you’re not worth anything, according to Goldbrick.
Manelito get in here!
You know Goldbrick?
I want you to take him some coffee.
Get coffee in a thermos and take it
to him. He’s on hole number three.
Yes in the café, where they make the
coffee. Is this going to tax your
Manelito, you think if I gave you a
month you could find a way to carry
this out? Bring some coffee to a
member. You think you’re up to this?
(as though to a child)
You go to the restaurant and ask for
some coffee. They give you the coffee
in a container. You then get in your
golf cart with the coffee in the
container and drive to hole number
three. You get out of your cart with
the coffee and give it to Goldbrick.
He thanks you. You thank him. Then
you get back in your cart and drive
Si hole number tres.
I’m trusting you to do this job. Of
course if you can’t, if you screw
this up, maybe we could assign you a
job that would better fit your
aptitude, like pushing a broom for
instance, or cleaning out toilets.
Manelito turns to go and Lance grumbles to himself at the
The old coot Goldbrick thinks he’s
better than everyone else because he
has a lot of money. The old bastard!
If there was a pile of rocks with a
hole in it, he would unzip his fly
and stick his thing inside it just
to tease the snake.
INT. RESTAURANT - DAY
Manelito goes into the club restaurant, gets the coffee.
EXT. GOLF COURSE FAIRWAY – DAY
Manelito gets in a golf cart and drives up to hole number
three. There he finds Goldbrick, an old, cranky-looking man.
(to his golfing partner)
There he is finally. These Latins
move so slow.
Manelito holds the coffee.
Here is the café senor.
Just put it over there. You haven’t
stolen my car yet have you Manelito?
Okay you can go. Oh, I suppose you
want a tip. Here.
Goldbrick hands Manelito a quarter. Manelito turns to go and
Why you tease a snake?
With your penis?
What are you talking about?
(points to his crotch)
Senor Lance he say you look for a
rock with a hole to stick your penis
Oh he said that did he?
INT. PRO SHOP - DAY
Manelito walks by the pro shop open door. There Goldbrick is
chewing Lance’s ass up one side and down the other. Lance,
who offers not a word of resistance, is standing stiff,
trembling; white as a sheet. Manelito laughs to himself.
IRREVERENT is a parody of a news magazine, and opinions, random thoughts, gestures, gesticulations, comments, bizarre rantings or anything anyone on the planet (or elsewhere) may possibly find objectionable, actionable, stupid, pointless, and/or misleadingly silly may or may not be shared by the management of IRREVERENT Publishing, LLC. Celebrity voices in the IRREVERENT Podcast are impersonated. People, products or services mentioned or depicted in IRREVERENT Magazine are referenced only for criticism or comment, and are not intended to imply an endorsement of IRREVERENT nor any other product or service unless explicitly stated otherwise.