All your life have you been burdened with an overwhelming sexual desire? That means you want to be doing it twenty-four hours a day. Why? Why were you cursed with this? You’re not happy. Who would be. Since you can't get enough (sex), there's never enough.
This has interfered with your job and career and has caused you to perhaps shun church where you might have eventually (through pleading and sobbing) gained entrance into the Kingdom of Heaven.
Sex! Sex! Sex!
What is it, but a lot of grunting and sweating on other people and writhing around like a couple of worms, you on top, me on top, both of us on top. Me out the window. Running naked through the yard in front of the neighbors.
In this IRREVERENT Exclusive, John Sammon continues his "Interviewing Fascinating People" series, as part of his court-ordered community service.
We are interviewing Loren C. Vandersnarff, the world’s longest surviving severed head. Mr. Vandersnarff, welcome to our Irreverent Magazine studio.
Loren – Thank you John.
Irreverent Magazine – How did you come to be the world’s longest living severed head?
Loren – It was in a farming accident, in Buel, Idaho. I was operating a threshing machine, cutting wheat. The machine hit a bump and I tumbled off. The next thing I knew, I was as you see me here.
Irreverent Magazine – A severed head.
Loren – Right.
Irreverent Magazine – What was your first reaction?
Loren – A feeling of losing a great amount of weight very quickly.
Irreverent Magazine – I see. But how is it you came to survive such an accident? Most people would not have.
Loren – I don’t know. I’ve always been a rather independent, self-contained person. I’ve always been the kind who can adapt to adversity, all I know is, I’m still here and enjoying every new day.
Irreverent Magazine – The accident made you something of a celebrity, hasn’t it?
If you actually physically lick the phone receiver with your tongue as the party on the other line makes groaning noises or uses disgusting language, I would say that qualifies as an official date. Like the outcome of any successful date performed in person, you’re both engaging in the kind of behavior that is deliciously fun and of which your mother would definitely not approve.
That’s why it’s so fun.
It’s officially a date if just before having phone sex you say to your partner, “here are some flowers at the door. Now we’re going out in my car. Now we’re at the restaurant. Dinner was great. I’m telling charming, witty, funny jokes. Now we’re at a movie. We just went to a bar for a drink. Now we’re going up to your room. The clothes are off.”
A cougar used to mean a wild, big blondish cat that lurked in remote parts of the United States, but also occasionally showed up in urban areas, for example late at night on a golf course near your house.
Today, the word had taken on a completely different meaning, and has gone to a sexual meaning. Every time a word in the English language changes meaning, it goes from an innocent to a sexual one. English speaking people must have sex on the brain. Maybe that’s why there are 375 million of us.
Forget all that nonsense about creeping socialism and being a traitor because of health care when you already get Social Security and a hundred other government and state-run benefits including your driver’s license and don’t care a fig about those.
Forget that the government you now condemn as “subversive” you made a living off of, and now draw a retirement check from.
This is all about who is white.
I call for the formation of a new political party, The Albino Party.
This is a party for only the whitest of the white. Forget that human beings first started in Africa. Forget that the Roman Empire was an ad-mixture of intermixing tangled up with European, African and Mediterranean races. Forget that during the Hunnish barbarian invasions of the 5th Century,
People interbred over a shifting huge area of Asia, Africa and Europe, people who had no compunction about who was what color.
IRREVERENT is a parody of a news magazine, and opinions, random thoughts, gestures, gesticulations, comments, bizarre rantings or anything anyone on the planet (or elsewhere) may possibly find objectionable, actionable, stupid, pointless, and/or misleadingly silly may or may not be shared by the management of IRREVERENT Publishing, LLC. Celebrity voices in the IRREVERENT Podcast are impersonated. People, products or services mentioned or depicted in IRREVERENT Magazine are referenced only for criticism or comment, and are not intended to imply an endorsement of IRREVERENT nor any other product or service unless explicitly stated otherwise.