Special Features

The following is an unauthorized biographical interview I did with Sarah Palin's subconscious.

Me - Sarah, you recently forced Obama's advisor Rahm Emanuel to apologize for using the word "retarded," saying it was an insult to your son. Was that a publicity stunt or an attempt to re-write the English language?

Sarah - How dare you?

Me - It's easy.

Sarah - Okay then. No, I did it because it's heartbreaking.

Me - But the word "retarded" is an accepted word in the English language.

Sarah - It's an insult to my son.

Me - Would you also be against the use of the words, stupid, idiot, moron, cretin and numbskull?

Sarah - Yes.

Me - Because they're an insult to your son?

Sarah - No! They're an insult to me personally.

Me - Why did you say publicly you'd consider running for the president when you've already made the decision to run because you'd like to be the first woman president so bad you can taste it?

Sarah - To appear humble.

Me - I see. What will you do first if you become president?

Sarah - Order five hundred pairs of the most expensive shoes and have my hair done.

Me - No, I mean in government.

Sarah - Undo the Bolshevik policies of what's-his-name.

Me - Obama?

Sarah - Whoever.

Me - But President Obama is not a Bolshevik.

Sarah - He takes his instructions from the Kremlin doesn't he?

Me - He does?

Sarah - The Kremlin is near Alaska, where I was on the front combat lines, so I should know.

Me - But the Cold War came to an end when the Soviet Union fell apart.

Sarah - Who told you that?

Me - The history book.

Sarah - What's history? A bunch of nonsense from communists and traitors. Real Americans don't buy that. We're going to have a new revolution to make things right. Things need to be right. Are you one of them?

Me - Them who?

Sarah - Traitors.

Me - I never thought of myself as a traitor.

Sarah - A bad American then.

Me - Okay. Who in your mind is a good American?

Sarah - All those honest hard working people out there who chop wood by hand and who eat Spam and who have soccer games they go to and who heat their homes with propane on the frontier and who believe that God will ferret out the subversives and the scum who are ruining this country, the greatest country in the history of the world, and a far greater country than any other country. My country. Not yours.

Me - Isn't scum a harsh word like retarded?

Sarah - Not when you're a liberal.

Me - Don't you view democracy as a two-party system that to work at least needs some kind of occasional compromise to be initiated so that some forward progress in dealing with problems like health care, global warming, terrorism, Third World starvation, and for example, ecologic threats to our fisheries, can be enacted?

Sarah - Where did you get your attitude? Are you finding fault with the greatest country in the world? I'm not going to work with those agents of the Godless devil who believe in having abortions and X-rated movies and bath-houses where they can be perverts and undermine our values.

Me - That's kind of a generalization isn't it?

Sarah - Leave our military out of this. How dare you criticize our generals? These brave men and they're real men. They're over there fighting those heathen savages who threaten our lifestyles. It's God's will that we massacre them.

Me - Then I take it you're in favor of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan?

Sarah - You're not very smart are ya?'

Me - I don't know. I consider myself average.

Sarah - Of course I'm for smiting the vermin back into their rat holes there in the Asian plains where they are and it's God's will because they are faithless Muslims who deserve everything that they get because they don't believe in the God of America.

Me - You mean the Middle East?

Sarah - Don't tell me where it is. It's over there where those Godless savages are.

Me - What do you think is the most pressing problem we face as a nation?

Sarah - The wrong people being Americans and coming to America. People who don't have the values we inherited, that of hard work, and saving for your children, and sitting in the right church that we founded, and who know that when George Washington founded this country, he meant that it should be for us, and not a bunch of foreigners and trouble makers who don't look like we do.

Me - That's an interesting theory. Don't you think that as president, some of those assumptions could be challenged?

Sarah - You're not very smart are ya?'