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Donald Trump is sitting on a toilet seat in the White House, in the same spot where Abraham Lincoln used to sit.

How he misses his New York penthouse with its golden toilet seat, solid gold 14 karat.

“What a screwed up old dump this place (White House) is,” Trump tells himself. “Lots of old rooms with sh’..ty furniture with floors that creak when you walk on them and paintings of old guys most of them losers (former presidents), except for Andrew Jackson.”

Trump thinks he (Jackson) was cool he wiped out the Cherokees and beat a guy to death on the front lawn of the White House (this last part is historically inaccurate, but Trump doesn’t know American history).

“I’m too good to be living here.”

(Trump has an ever-moist sense of self-pity).

Trump goes to bed alone.

He hears a rattling at the door and sees a light. A ghost enters wearing chains.

“Who the F are you?” Trump says.

“I am the Ghost of Misbehavior Past,” the ghost wails.

“Get the F out of here.”

“Make me,” the ghost wails.

Okay Don, as your unofficial, unauthorized, advisor, I have been thinking of ways we can smear Kamala Harris, to get at Joe Biden. Remember, Biden is too centrist a politician to attack his loyalty, but Kamala……..

That’s another story.

I don’t think we should try another birther scam like the one we pulled on Obama, that’s been done, and if we do that again, we will be accused of not being bright enough to come up with something new and fresh.

It is true that Harris’ mother comes from India, and if she were a man we could try a smear insult epithet on her like calling her “Gunga Din,” you know, that water boy in the 1890 poem by Rudyard Kipling extolling the virtues of British imperialism, the guy who gave his life so that the English could enslave his country.

Oh that’s right Don, you don’t read poems or books, that’s for sissies and women.      

Nobody remembers who Gunga Din was anyway.

We can’t call Kamala Harris “Sabu the Elephant Boy,” because again, she’s a woman, Sabu, the kid who rode the elephant in old 1930’s Hollywood movies in his underwear on a back lot near what is today Universal City.

Hey Don, remember when you called Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas,” because she expressed pride in some Native American Indian heritage? That insult got some laughs from our right-wing followers who enjoy sixth-grade-schoolyard-bully-type insults.

So Sayeth SammonDonald Trump’s recent statement, “It is what it is,” referring to the COVID-19 pandemic, will rank with Marie Antoinette’s famous remark, “Let Them Eat Cake,” although historians tell us she never in reality said that.

That statement instead reflected what the French public thought about her before they chopped off her head in 1793, that she was a heartless egotist and elitist of the first water.

In Trump’s case he really did say, “It is what it is,” which translated means, “This pandemic is a pain in the ass for me, it disrupts my political campaign and my ability to strut around and act the big guy and goddamn it, I have to act like I care when I really don’t. If you die from the virus that’s your tough luck (F-word) you. I don’t want to give you any money either. Go back to work you lazy bastard.”

It’s a funny thing about the presidency, not funny, I mean strange, and we’ve had so many strange ones, none stranger than the Napoleon-wanna-be we have in the White House now.

When you’re president people expect you to act tough and Trump’s okay here he can scowl and grimace and adopt theatrical poses (hand-on-hip), although wit, charm and warmth he is incapable of.

With Trump, insulting and mocking is it.

If he was a horse, you would call him a “one-trick pony.”

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