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It’s been a few weeks now and just about everything in America has shut down.  There’s no toilet paper, you can’t go out to eat or see a movie anymore, heck you can’t even hit the gym.  One by one states are being shuttered, the National Guard’s being activated, and any vaccine is at least 12 months away, according to people with actual medical degrees who know what they’re talking about.

But cheer up, grimly!  It’s always black before the dawn, provided the sun breaks quarantine, and sooner or later SOMEONE will realize that they can make a nice profit if they pump up the nation’s supply for toilet paper and cleaning products, and FINALLY make door-delivery of booze commonplace!

Until then, we’re all sheltered in place, realizing how truly unbearable most crap is on all those streaming services we somehow ended up subscribing to over the years but never watch.  Thanks to Jeff Bezos, we can also see the same unbearable crap that was in theaters (before they closed) from the comfort of our own couch, although that thing’s starting to smell a little ripe these days….  You may be isolated and unable to wipe yourself, but don’t forget to shower, folks.

Here are some helpful, random thoughts we’ve gathered to help you as you loaf around your quarantined domicile, isolated, bored, staring into the middle-distance while some Pink Floyd song echoes in your cranium.

  1. Liquor Store Online (liquorstore-online.com)

    They’ll deliver booze to your door at an enormous mark up and high shipping prices, but let’s face it, if this thing lasts months we’re gonna need it.
  1. If you can, download Drizly (Google Play, Apple Store)

    If you’re in their service area, this is a great way to get raise your spirits with some spirits.  Tried it in New York, and the service and selection was awesome.
  1. Don’t click on all those toilet paper or “cash now” social media ads.

    The Bad Guys know this is a pandemic too, and they’re still out to jam malware down your throat in any underhanded, sneaky way they can, including luring you with sexy pictures of huge, juicy, voluptuous rolls of sweet, squeezable toilet tissue.  Scams are rampant in light of the current scare, and all sorts of scumbags will crawl out of the woodwork to take advantage.  Don’t be one of them!
  1. Thanks to the Newport, Oregon police, try soaking all those old anchor lines you’ve got lying around in salt water and using that instead of Charmin.

    oregon policeOr using corn cobs, magazine pages, or a fistful of leaves works too.

  2. Your neighbors may still be assholes, but some need your help.

    Don’t let their paranoia, or bad tempered selfishness keep you from looking out for those in need.
  1. No, the COVID-19 virus is NOT a bioweapon, it probably started as a delicacy.

    I love a good conspiracy theory, but don’t like being pushed around by Russian or Iranian disinformation: I’ll come to my craziness all by myself, thank you very much.  Anyway genetic sequencing shows COVID-19’s natural evolutionary origin, probably starting in bats and ending up in pangolins, which are one of the weirdest creatures you’ve ever seen. 

    Pangolins are heavily trafficked, and were likely illegally sold in the Wuhan wet market, making it a prime suspect for how we got into this mess.   Despite tasting horrible, often leading to chronic diarrhea, fever and stomach cramps, pangolin meat goes for upwards of $300/pound. 

    So about all we can conclude is that whoever bought this, he or she wasn’t strapped for cash.  Apparently eating this crap is a “status symbol” in Asian countries.
  1. Corona  beer has nothing to do with the coronavirus.

    This should be a no-brainer, but just because the name is similar doesn’t mean the beer contains anything else besides beery goodness.  Drink up.
  1. DON’T PANIC.

    Let’s all heed Douglas Adam’s immortal mellow slogan of chill.
  1. Stop hoarding!

    We’re all in this together, so going out of your way to deprive others of being able to wipe their bottom isn’t cool, it’s just mean.
  1. The U.S. Federal Government is really pretty useless after all.

    Not that this is any revelation, all this really has shown us that when the chips are down, the one thing we can really count on is our national leaders looking to make themselves look good enough to get re-elected, while the rest of us wipe ourselves with our left hands.  Meanwhile, locally, people are behaving decently, and pitching in to help each other more than you’d think, without anybody telling them to.
Photos: Screenshot from Stanley Kubrick’s “The Shining,” screenshot of Trump’s March 22nd 2020 press conference, Matt Seymour/Erik McClean@Unsplash, Statue of Liberty by Scott Meadow.

So you’ve been self-quarantined, huh?  You knew that guy’s hand you shook at the developer’s conference looked a little shady, but you did it anyway just to avoid being a paranoid jerk.  In exchange, your boss orders you home when you get the sniffles and test positive for COVID-19.

Are you feeling ok?  More or less.  It’s like the flu, but nobody’s taking any chances here.  So now you find yourself with some time on your hands, and, since you can’t go anywhere, your options narrow to board games, cards, fooling around on your phone, and watching all those streaming services you ended up subscribing to but never get around to watching.  So long as your bandwidth holds out, you know you can do this.

Now’s your chance!  Never fear, IRREVERENT’s here to help.  And before you ask, yeah we’re quarantined too.   Some bozo at the Satirical News Writers Association mixer never heard of hand sanitizer apparently.  Luckily for us all, Drizly delivers booze right to our freshly-Lysol’ed door!  God bless us everyone!

  • Strap In, Folks It's time to get NASTY!
  • Who... are... you? Here Bloomberg and Biden try desperately to figure out who they're speaking to, and why.
  • OOH OOH OOH!! MR. KOTTER! Here candidates for the most powerful political office on earth raise their hands to speak.
  • When You're Smiling Here Senator Klobuchar smiles and smiles leadership.
  • You S.O.B.! This jerk wants United States citizens to have a HIGH STANDARD OF LIVING ***AND*** HEALTHCARE!! You son-of-a-bitch!
  • Call Me Petey. Pete Buttigieg, the former mayor of South Bend, Indiana. We assume he thought this place sold farm implements.
  • Think, Amy, THINK! Here Senator Klobuchar tries to remember a nursery rhyme from childhood.
  • Billionaire-off "As your candidate, I will meet with Trump and out-billionaire the hell out of him."
  • Diversity Yup. That's diverse.
  • Can We At Least Have A Buzzer? "Senator Warren!" "What is looking like an idiot." "Correct!"
  • Not AGAIN! This jerk also wants to END HOMELESSNESS by saying a few thousand families owning 90% of America's wealth IS BAD and should STOP? You fucker.
  • Face-off Here Bernie and Bloomberg hold their own grumpiest old man competition.
  • Please, teach, pick me! Here Senator Elizabeth Warren of Massachusetts raises her hand because the others are saying nasty things about her policy.
  • O no you DIDN'T! Here Warren yells at Bloomberg for being a richer jerk than the rest of them, except for Pete, who's the poorest.
  • Strap In, Folks
  • Who... are... you?
  • OOH OOH OOH!! MR. KOTTER!
  • When You're Smiling
  • You S.O.B.!
  • Call Me Petey.
  • Think, Amy, THINK!
  • Billionaire-off
  • Diversity
  • Can We At Least Have A Buzzer?
  • Not AGAIN!
  • Face-off
  • Please, teach, pick me!
  • O no you DIDN'T!

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