It’s been a few weeks now and just about everything in America has shut down. There’s no toilet paper, you can’t go out to eat or see a movie anymore, heck you can’t even hit the gym. One by one states are being shuttered, the National Guard’s being activated, and any vaccine is at least 12 months away, according to people with actual medical degrees who know what they’re talking about.
But cheer up, grimly! It’s always black before the dawn, provided the sun breaks quarantine, and sooner or later SOMEONE will realize that they can make a nice profit if they pump up the nation’s supply for toilet paper and cleaning products, and FINALLY make door-delivery of booze commonplace!
Until then, we’re all sheltered in place, realizing how truly unbearable most crap is on all those streaming services we somehow ended up subscribing to over the years but never watch. Thanks to Jeff Bezos, we can also see the same unbearable crap that was in theaters (before they closed) from the comfort of our own couch, although that thing’s starting to smell a little ripe these days…. You may be isolated and unable to wipe yourself, but don’t forget to shower, folks.
Here are some helpful, random thoughts we’ve gathered to help you as you loaf around your quarantined domicile, isolated, bored, staring into the middle-distance while some Pink Floyd song echoes in your cranium.
So you’ve been self-quarantined, huh? You knew that guy’s hand you shook at the developer’s conference looked a little shady, but you did it anyway just to avoid being a paranoid jerk. In exchange, your boss orders you home when you get the sniffles and test positive for COVID-19.
Are you feeling ok? More or less. It’s like the flu, but nobody’s taking any chances here. So now you find yourself with some time on your hands, and, since you can’t go anywhere, your options narrow to board games, cards, fooling around on your phone, and watching all those streaming services you ended up subscribing to but never get around to watching. So long as your bandwidth holds out, you know you can do this.
Now’s your chance! Never fear, IRREVERENT’s here to help. And before you ask, yeah we’re quarantined too. Some bozo at the Satirical News Writers Association mixer never heard of hand sanitizer apparently. Luckily for us all, Drizly delivers booze right to our freshly-Lysol’ed door! God bless us everyone!
Opinions, random thoughts, gestures, gesticulations, comments, bizarre rantings or anything anyone on the planet (or elsewhere) may possibly find objectionable, actionable, stupid, pointless, and/or misleadingly silly may or may not be shared by the management of IRREVERENT Publishing, LLC. Celebrity voices in the IRREVERENT Podcast are impersonated. People, products or services mentioned or depicted in IRREVERENT Magazine are referenced only for humorous or satirical comment, and are not intended to imply an endorsement of IRREVERENT nor any other product or service unless explicitly stated otherwise.