IRREVERENT Magazine - Features

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Written by Scott Meadow

Category: The Editor's Mess

It’s been a few weeks now and just about everything in America has shut down.  There’s no toilet paper, you can’t go out to eat or see a movie anymore, heck you can’t even hit the gym.  One by one states are being shuttered, the National Guard’s being activated, and any vaccine is at least 12 months away, according to people with actual medical degrees who know what they’re talking about.

But cheer up, grimly!  It’s always black before the dawn, provided the sun breaks quarantine, and sooner or later SOMEONE will realize that they can make a nice profit if they pump up the nation’s supply for toilet paper and cleaning products, and FINALLY make door-delivery of booze commonplace!

Until then, we’re all sheltered in place, realizing how truly unbearable most crap is on all those streaming services we somehow ended up subscribing to over the years but never watch.  Thanks to Jeff Bezos, we can also see the same unbearable crap that was in theaters (before they closed) from the comfort of our own couch, although that thing’s starting to smell a little ripe these days….  You may be isolated and unable to wipe yourself, but don’t forget to shower, folks.

Here are some helpful, random thoughts we’ve gathered to help you as you loaf around your quarantined domicile, isolated, bored, staring into the middle-distance while some Pink Floyd song echoes in your cranium.

1. Liquor Store Online (liquorstore-online.com)
   
   They’ll deliver booze to your door at an enormous mark up and high shipping prices, but let’s face it, if this thing lasts months we’re gonna need it.

2. If you can, download Drizly (Google Play, Apple Store)
   
   If you’re in their service area, this is a great way to get raise your spirits with some spirits.  Tried it in New York, and the service and selection was awesome.

3. Don’t click on all those toilet paper or “cash now” social media ads.
   
   The Bad Guys know this is a pandemic too, and they’re still out to jam malware down your throat in any underhanded, sneaky way they can, including luring you with sexy pictures of huge, juicy, voluptuous rolls of sweet, squeezable toilet tissue.  Scams are rampant in light of the current scare, and all sorts of scumbags will crawl out of the woodwork to take advantage.  Don’t be one of them!

4. Thanks to the Newport, Oregon police, try soaking all those old anchor lines you’ve got lying around in salt water and using that instead of Charmin.
   
   Or using corn cobs, magazine pages, or a fistful of leaves works too.
   
   
5. Your neighbors may still be assholes, but some need your help.
   
   Don’t let their paranoia, or bad tempered selfishness keep you from looking out for those in need.

6. No, the COVID-19 virus is NOT a bioweapon, it probably started as a delicacy.
   
   I love a good conspiracy theory, but don’t like being pushed around by Russian or Iranian disinformation: I’ll come to my craziness all by myself, thank you very much.  Anyway genetic sequencing shows COVID-19’s natural evolutionary origin, probably starting in bats and ending up in pangolins, which are one of the weirdest creatures you’ve ever seen. 
   
   Pangolins are heavily trafficked, and were likely illegally sold in the Wuhan wet market, making it a prime suspect for how we got into this mess.   Despite tasting horrible, often leading to chronic diarrhea, fever and stomach cramps, pangolin meat goes for upwards of $300/pound. 
   
   So about all we can conclude is that whoever bought this, he or she wasn’t strapped for cash.  Apparently eating this crap is a “status symbol” in Asian countries.

7. Corona  beer has nothing to do with the coronavirus.
   
   This should be a no-brainer, but just because the name is similar doesn’t mean the beer contains anything else besides beery goodness.  Drink up.

8. DON’T PANIC.
   
   Let’s all heed Douglas Adam’s immortal mellow slogan of chill.

9. Stop hoarding!
   
   We’re all in this together, so going out of your way to deprive others of being able to wipe their bottom isn’t cool, it’s just mean.

10. The U.S. Federal Government is really pretty useless after all.
    
    Not that this is any revelation, all this really has shown us that when the chips are down, the one thing we can really count on is our national leaders looking to make themselves look good enough to get re-elected, while the rest of us wipe ourselves with our left hands.  Meanwhile, locally, people are behaving decently, and pitching in to help each other more than you’d think, without anybody telling them to.

Photos: Screenshot from Stanley Kubrick’s “The Shining,” screenshot of Trump’s March 22^nd 2020 press conference, Matt Seymour/Erik McClean@Unsplash, Statue of Liberty by Scott Meadow.