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Feature Departments

Cursing at inanimate objects should be an Olympic Sport, in my opinion."What the fuck?" my boyfriend shouts. "Fuck you!" His fist comes down hard on a carton of eggs. Yellow yolk and flints of shell splatter the kitchen, barely missing my dress. I feel sliminess ooze between my sandaled toes and wonder if egg yolk ruins pedicures.

He throws the egg carton onto the floor. Although my toes are now fully slimed, I barely flinch. After all, he is not angry with me, he is angry at the egg. Perhaps it did not crack right. Maybe there is a stray shell in the bowl, or maybe the whole batch is rancid. It does not matter; I’ve grown accustomed to his habit of cursing at inanimate objects. I find it oddly adorable, and so I egg him on…

Sex, sex SEX!All your life have you been burdened with an overwhelming sexual desire? That means you want to be doing it twenty-four hours a day. Why? Why were you cursed with this? You’re not happy. Who would be. Since you can't get enough (sex), there's never enough.

This has interfered with your job and career and has caused you to perhaps shun church where you might have eventually (through pleading and sobbing) gained entrance into the Kingdom of Heaven.

Sex! Sex! Sex!

What is it, but a lot of grunting and sweating on other people and writhing around like a couple of worms, you on top, me on top, both of us on top. Me out the window. Running naked through the yard in front of the neighbors.

In this IRREVERENT Exclusive, John Sammon continues his "Interviewing Fascinating People" series, as part of his court-ordered community service.

Sammon interviews the longest surviving severed head in an IRREVERENT exclusive.We are interviewing Loren C. Vandersnarff, the world’s longest surviving severed head. Mr. Vandersnarff, welcome to our Irreverent Magazine studio.

Loren – Thank you John.

Irreverent Magazine – How did you come to be the world’s longest living severed head?

Loren – It was in a farming accident, in Buel, Idaho. I was operating a threshing machine, cutting wheat. The machine hit a bump and I tumbled off. The next thing I knew, I was as you see me here.

Irreverent Magazine – A severed head.

Loren – Right.

Irreverent Magazine – What was your first reaction?

Loren – A feeling of losing a great amount of weight very quickly.

Irreverent Magazine – I see. But how is it you came to survive such an accident? Most people would not have.

Loren – I don’t know. I’ve always been a rather independent, self-contained person. I’ve always been the kind who can adapt to adversity, all I know is, I’m still here and enjoying every new day.

Irreverent Magazine – The accident made you something of a celebrity, hasn’t it?