Details

Written by Scott Meadow

TACOMA – An exhausted father of four yesterday morning accidentally used eggnog instead of creamer in his morning coffee, and within hours was surprised to learn that he was being sued by caffeine-conglomerate Starbucks by noon.

“Anyone in the continental U.S. who dumps any kind of crap into coffee is in direct violation of one or more of our [Starbuck’s] incredibly broad patents, trademarks, or copyrights,” explained fast-talking, visibly shaking Senior Legal Counsel Irwin Manner, drinking a Venti, half-soy, half-almond milk, extra hot, split quad shots, no foam, two pumps of vanilla syrup, one pump of hazelnut syrup, one and a half pumps of caramel syrup, three shakes of cinnamon, two shakes of nutmeg, a sprinkle of cocoa powder, a sprinkle of matcha powder, and a drizzle of chocolate on top.  His cup was labelled “IRVEM.”

The man – UW Tacoma professor of wombat physiology Kal Ripkin – was surprised to learn that, besides the injunction preventing him from drinking his coffee creation (which he’d already done), the lawsuit also sought damages of more than $2 million.  “May as well be $200 million,” commented Ripkin, laughing.

The case was settled out-of-court this morning for an undisclosed sum, although insiders (Ripkin) have suggested it was $0 with a promise to “not do it again.”

Wall Street took a quick look at Starbucks stock, deciding instead to roast Dunkin Donuts over an open fire, peeling 18% off the price in frenzied selling.  By mid-day, the Street had also discounted stocks of dairy and convenience food producers, before lapping them back up for a quick profit and cutting out for dinner at Danny Humm’s Eleven Park near Credit Suisse.