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Newswire

FLORIDA - Today President Trump announced that he did, indeed have "a bunch" of "additional, extremely timely and needed pardons" queued up and ready to go "whenever the next major disaster hits."

"We have many, many more pardons to come," Trump told the press from his solid gold podium at Mar a Lago.  "Many, many more, so many people that Obama just refused to pardon, because he was a jerk, pardon my French, a real jerk if I'm being honest.  So I'm going to do it, because it's the right thing to do.  They're all ready to go, we just need to have the right forum, you know, for maxium impact.  These need big, huge ratings, so keep an eye out during the next hurricane or tornado or something, maybe a missile launch, who knows.  We'll do it then because that's when everyone's watching television, believe me I know T.V. and that's the best way to do these things, trust me."

A stunned press corp had little to say afterward.

Trump meanwhile has announced he would "fly around" the devestated areas in Texas and "take a couple of pictures," adding he wanted "to show people how grateful" he was "for voting for me in the election," adding that he "won Texas by two or three landslides."  In fact the President won Texas with 52.2% of the vote.

Again stunned, the assembled press couldn't think of a followup.

Trump concluded with some harsh words for North Korean leader Kim Jong-un, saying, "if that guy [Kim Jong-un] wants to try to bomb anything else, say any sort of U.S. terrority or something like that, just let me say this: you don't have the balls.  You don't.  And I mean that.  I've got a whole fistful of pardons here too, just waiting, I dare you!"