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Written by Scott Meadow

NOV 8 2022, WASHINGTON D.C. - In a bold, yet consistent move, G.O.P. candidates across the nation have declared themselves the winner of their individual elections eight to ten hours ahead of voting polls opening.  Senate Minority Leader and guy who chills out choking stray kittens MItch McConnell called the preemptive victories "excellent."

"We have been saying loudly and often that this election is completely flawed and totally corrupt unless we win," said Republican North Carolina senate challenger Carlton McCann.  "So the actual casting and counting of votes is really beside the point, especially when you have a posse of violent supporters who will attack your opponents with little or no provocation.  Now let's get on with the business of governing via social media mobilization."

Others, meanwhile, seem somewhat resigned to having the polls physically open and people actually casting votes before declaring victory.  "This is a testament to democracy, at least a testament to post-democratic democracy," said Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell.  "For years we knew that the biggest obstacle facing us from enacting our policies was actual voting.  It took some time and a lot of grass-roots organizing, but I think we're pretty damn close now."

For some reason, however, polls opened on time and are expected to close on schedule across the nation later this evening.