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Newswire

MANILA - Today President Trump reported that his day long quest to find "a Koala bear" was met with mixed success, but he was "hopeful" he'd spot one "before the day is done."  Few in the press corp were surprised as the Koala is indigenous to Australia and not the Philippines.

"They're here and I will find them, I promise you that," Trump said."I spent many, many hours looking today, believe me, and took many, many pictures, near misses I call them," President Trump explained.  "Thousands of them really, to be honest.  An amazing amount of pictures.  Those cute little bears are great, really great, and I really like them a lot.  So it was an honor to spend the day looking for them, one of them would be great, or an entire family, either way. But I don't have a really clear picture, but I really tried, believe me I did, nobody tried harder than me, I was a total winner."

The world press, Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte and other dignitaries applauded the president's remarks politely.  Off-record, one senior official told IRREVERENT this was "even more of a bizarre rant than usual."  Another added "Koala bears? WTF?"

Trump ordered the secret service to do a "hard target search" for the elusive bear, armed with cell phone cameras and binoculars, despite being informed by numerous staffers -- including chief of staff John Kelly -- that there were no Koala bears in the Philippines "outside a zoo."  A "special investigative squad" of the secret service flew in from Washington late last night to aid in the effort, accompanied by their spouses and children, and in several cases brothers, sisters, and parents.

"We need all the eyes, ears and cameras we can get," Trump explained.  As to the cost of the search, now estimated near $1.35 million, Trump was dismissive.  "Fake news, just fake news."

When asked for comment, secret service spokesman Earl Davis smiled and said "no comment."