WASHINGTON - President Trump today warmly welcomed Swedish Prime Minister Stefan Löfven at the White House, proclaiming his new trade deals will be "covered with love," and that "Swedish porno stars.. are the best, absolute best."
"We need steel and aluminium, because it's all great stuff, and China is taking advantage of us, seriously, victimizing us really, just because they're in a superior position. They used their position of power to take advantage of us, and that's just wrong. Wrong, wrong wrong. Whenever anyone in a position of authority uses their position to exploit others is disgraceful."
The President then went on to declare how the Oscars are "rigged," characterized football players taking a knee as "throwaway protests," and declared free speech "fine... in certain contexts."
Prime Minister Löfven meanwhile contained his shock well, sipping water and looking upward at the ceiling.
"He didn't address anything about the two main planks in our party platform," noted Ronna McDaniel, Chair of the Republican National Committee. "This one here, which is oak I believe, that people have too much healthcare, really an unhealthy amount of healthcare and it's killing American families. We're working hard to remedy that. Second, this one is pine I think, or maybe spruce, is that taxes are absurdly high for well off Americans, who need that money desperately, and know how to spend it much, much better than the average American. More effectively really, on those items that really power-boost the economy. So we need that more."
Wall Street jumped up and down in place on the prospect of seriously repressive tariffs on steel and aluminium before burning everything in sight, dropping the Dow, NASDAQ and SP500 into free-fall before opportunists woke up and went long, mopping up a healthy intra day profit.