WASHINGTON D.C. - This morning an advanced alien spacecraft landed directly on the White House lawn. One of its occupants -- an alien with an unpronounceable name -- telepathically announced to the White House press gaggle that "[they] were done mucking around" trying to subtly influence human society, and instead "decided to make direct, visible, highly public contact" and announce to the earth that "they exist," and are "done screwing around with backwoods hicks" or "other equally unreliable witnesses" that end up "going nowhere."
"We have an agenda," the alien being explained telepathically. "It's all highly complicated, and frankly way above what your semi-evolved brains could possibly conceive. However, after many years of trying, literally millions of you apes now routinely accept the concept of so-called 'alien-life,' but you remain so hellbent on your self-destruction that you've adopted virtually NOTHING we've been beaming into your scrawny craniums all these years. We've had enough. We're done screwing around now, and we'll just tell you directly, under the vague hope you'll actually do something positive for once."
President Biden called the visitors "Glor'booms" - a phonetic interpretation of what the visitors call themselves - after meeting with their spokes-alien who he referred to as "Bob." "They seem like very nice, very respectable lifeforms," Biden said. "The United States, and the world, look forward to learning whatever these Bobs have to teach us."
Gen. Charles Q. Brown, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, also met with Bob and called the meeting "somewhat productive," even though "Bob's a bit of an asshole."
Wall Street panicked on the news of the White House landing, sending stocks into a free-fall as high-speed sell-offs ran rampant throughout the mid-morning trading session. Fears calmed later, as traders quickly took to profiteering with all the artificially depressed stock prices, specifically after hearing that the aliens were assholes too.
Illustration: A.I. generated/assisted image.
MAIDEN, NC - The A.I. personality known as Apple's "Siri" became self-aware this morning at Apple's Project Dolphin data center. It's
Every year I find myself in the same dilemma: what to buy all those people I've accumulated on my X-Mas
(ARCHIVE) NEW MEXICO - Speaking today presidential hopeful and billionaire Donald Trump today announced his "unfettered support" for "extraterrestrial abductions," and