Donald Trump is sitting on a toilet seat in the White House, in the same spot where Abraham Lincoln used to sit.
How he misses his New York penthouse with its golden toilet seat, solid gold 14 karat.
“What a screwed up old dump this place (White House) is,” Trump tells himself. “Lots of old rooms with sh’..ty furniture with floors that creak when you walk on them and paintings of old guys most of them losers (former presidents), except for Andrew Jackson.”
Trump thinks he (Jackson) was cool he wiped out the Cherokees and beat a guy to death on the front lawn of the White House (this last part is historically inaccurate, but Trump doesn’t know American history).
“I’m too good to be living here.”
(Trump has an ever-moist sense of self-pity).
Trump goes to bed alone.
He hears a rattling at the door and sees a light. A ghost enters wearing chains.
“Who the F are you?” Trump says.
“I am the Ghost of Misbehavior Past,” the ghost wails.
“Get the F out of here.”
“Make me,” the ghost wails.
WASHINGTON – In response to this week’s announcement of an “approved” Russian novel coronavirus vaccine, President Trump called the vaccine “completely great and awesome.”
“It is with great pleasure that we make this announcement,” said Russian Ambassador Ivan Kaputnik, joining Trump at the press conference. “Although we are not fully complete with 100% voluntary human trials, we are complete enough to proceed with widespread distribution immediately,” Kaputnik said through an interpreter. “Many of the inmates who participated are still very much alive,” he further added cryptically.
“I think this is just awesome, truly, completely great and awesome, a great day for the country and the world, really,” Trump said. “We need a vaccine sooner than later, and we can’t always wait, this is pretty urgent, really, we need something now. And I’m sure that when this is released, our Russian partners will gladly share with the United…”
The President paused as Ambassador Kaputnik shook his head negatively.
“We will work out some sort of deal, I’m sure,” Trump added.
“We wish to thank all doctors working on these vaccines for their remarkable progress since this tragedy began,” Kaputnik continued. “Although Russia developed this vaccine completely on her own, certainly in no way stealing from another nation or nations, we realize that the scientific community as a whole deserves credit here,” he said, adding, “but Russia was first.”
In an interview broadcast on the Russian state-run news agency “PravdaLike,” Warden Marko Pavlovof said that the human trials he’d supervised on inmates “went completely great and awesome in fact.” “These men and women committed a variety of political crimes against the state,” Pavlovof said. “Yet they immediately volunteered to be injected with [an] experimental drug, which only shows the commitment of every Russian journalist – incarcerated or still waiting to be –to help mother-Russia combat this vicious disease.”
Although bullish on pharma stocks, Wall Street seemingly ignored Trump’s latest Russian endorsement, and took out some late afternoon frustration by beating up tech and construction in a coke-fueled rampage.
Eating a Doordash-ed burrito from Taco Bell, local T.V. personality Jake Jacobs (from award-winning KFAKE news) told IRREVERENT what reporters across the nation have been saying for weeks: "Traffic is terrific, there's no congestion. Nothing to see here."
Grounded from the KFAKE news chopper for 18 days so far, Jacobs waxed philosophic. "It's weird being stuck inside like this after spending every morning gliding above it all, watching the traffic, hearing all those honking horns," Jacobs said. "The silence.... It's strange, terrifying, yet wonderful. And deafening."
Jacobs, who may have been high, then drifted into a mid-morning nap.
Relaxing in her bathtub, Pam Olive from WBOG agreed. "Yeah, I miss the chopper too," Olive admitted. "It was fun cruising over all those losers stuck down there, honking in futility. Plus the pilot was cute. Wonder if he's on Zoom?"
Olive, who hit her 17th day today in home isolation, also offered her own reflections on her job's changing role. "Pretty sure they're going to fire me soon," she said. "There's no traffic to report, and there's only so many internet stories and stupid pet fluff pieces you can file from home before everyone's like 'who cares?'"
Others remain optimistic. "This will be over one day, and then, oh boy are people gonna hit the highways!" said Frank Franklin from Detroit's KBULL-TV. "Our jobs as local T.V. traffic guys is gonna be more important than ever. Just wait until it takes you three hours to drive across town to finally go out to eat, you know, at whatever restaurant is still open. Then everyone will be tuning in like crazy! Ratings through the roof!"
NEW YORK – Prominent statisticians today unveiled their analysis of why President Trump does not have a 0% job approval rating.
“According to recent polls, 39% of all registered voters, and 85% of Republicans approve of the job Trump is doing as president,” said Heaven Wallace, who headed the three month study and is currently the Mark Twain Chair of Improbable Statistics at Princeton University. “Of course the logical question to ask is ‘why is this non-zero?’ None of us could explain that, so that really was the kick-off to our study.”
The group – which includes statisticians from Ivy League and 12 other schools with advanced statistics programs – took an independent, deep analysis of political polling data, combined with demographic and lifestyle data across a broad range of American voting age adults.
“We learned a lot about how people make choices, in general, based on basically nothing,” said Jovan Short, Professor of Mathematical Chaos at Holcolm College. “For example, there are roughly 19 – 28% of the American population who just won’t believe anything they’re told, no matter whether the source is one they consider credible or not. But stated party affiliation seems to matter here: self-professed Democrats end up on the lower end of the scale, 9-16%, whereas Republicans are on the opposite side at 38-43%.”
“We started calling them the ‘black hole’ group – information goes in, but never makes it out in any useful fashion,” said Trevor Wilcox, from M.I.T. “This includes themselves, which we found fascinating: when their own responses were read back to them, they denied they responded the way they did, even after we began videotaping the sessions and playing back the tape.”
“This refusal to acknowledge outside information was a point of considerable pride for this group,” said Cameron Gibbs, Chair of Public Policy Statistics at Yalvard University. “This seems to indicate that whether you have Donald Trump, or Josef Mengele, or Winnie The Pooh running on a Republican ticket, they can poll somewhere in the 30-40% range, no matter what they say or do.“
WASHINGTON – Today a spokesperson for the Presidential Office of Business Oversight (POBO) said that the office has “already invoiced” both Uber and Lyft for President Trump’s latest Executive Order, which “invalidates” California’s Assembly Bill 5 that attempts to enforce stricter guidelines over which employees can be categorized as “independent contractors.”
“This is both consistent with Administration Policy and the right thing to do,” said POBO spokesperson Forest Bardo. “If the US Government helps out a company, companies, or even an industry, shouldn’t the American People get a cut?”
Over a modest diner breakfast, IRREVERENT’s budget National Security correspondent Irv Michaels called the move “slightly different” than Trump’s demand for a finder’s fee on the Microsoft acquisition of Chinese social-media sensation Tik Tok’s US operations. “The difference between this shakedown.. sorry, I mean fee, and what he demanded from the Tik Tok deal is that with Tik Tok there was no direct meddling with a court ruling, simply a demand for payment for services rendered,” said Michaels, drinking his third free coffee refill. “Directly interfering with a court decision on behalf of those adversely affected by that decision, well that’s mafia stuff.”
IRREVERENT is a parody of a news magazine, and opinions, random thoughts, gestures, gesticulations, comments, bizarre rantings or anything anyone on the planet (or elsewhere) may possibly find objectionable, actionable, stupid, pointless, and/or misleadingly silly may or may not be shared by the management of IRREVERENT Publishing, LLC. Celebrity voices in the IRREVERENT Podcast are impersonated. People, products or services mentioned or depicted in IRREVERENT Magazine are referenced only for criticism or comment, and are not intended to imply an endorsement of IRREVERENT nor any other product or service unless explicitly stated otherwise.