ARLINGTON, VA — The U.S. Central Command has unveiled its latest breakthrough in proportional killing: the PropCalc 3000™, a cloud-based AI that assigns Yelp-style star ratings to military targets and recommends "calibrated" retaliation based on a proprietary algorithm combining geopolitical threat data, neighborhood Zillow valuations, and what developers are calling the "Madness Index."
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Someone Reopened My Dead Restaurant Without Asking. I Ate There Anyway.
The logo is wrong in a way that only I would notice. The anvil itself — my anvil, the one I had sketched on a paper napkin at two in the morning in 2009 and paid a designer in Wicker Park four hundred dollars to turn into something with actual gravity — is maybe fifteen percent larger than it should be, and the weight of it sits differently on the door glass. Whoever reproduced it was working from a photograph of a photograph. Close enough to pass. Not close enough to fool the man who made
...I was sitting at my desk this morning — third coffee, first cigarette, zero patience — when I watched a woman on the sidewalk outside spend eleven minutes filming herself walking into a CVS. Not walking out. Not finding a deal, not confronting a shoplifter, not discovering a new species of pharmacy beetle. Just walking in. The
...I am writing this from a hotel room in Manhattan that I am pretty sure is in Manhattan, though the mini-bar prices suggest I may have accidentally crossed into Zurich. Meadow flew me here last week on what I can only describe as a mission from God — or, more accurately, a mission from Meadow, which is like God but with more nicotine
...I am sitting in my leather wingback chair. Marmaduke — one hundred and forty pounds of constitutionally-minded Alaskan husky — is sprawled across my feet, which are going numb, but I refuse to move him because I need the ballast. I also cannot feel my left foot. These facts are related. What I am about to tell you will unsettle you. It will
...I am going to be honest with you — a thing I rarely do, and never for free — and tell you that I have been awake for approximately thirty-one hours. I came to this screening directly from a press breakfast at which the coffee was lukewarm and the croissants were, I can only assume, assembled by someone who had once seen the word "croissant"
...By Brock Castellanos III, Founder & Chief Vibes Officer, NepoCorp Ventures
I am writing this from the rooftop of my Brickell penthouse. I am wearing a Loro Piana cashmere hoodie that costs more than your car. My personal chef Marcelo is plating a single soft-boiled quail egg on a slab of imported Himalayan salt. Marcelo
...by Bradley Snipes
Okay. So. Let me explain.
You know how sometimes you lose your passport in a foreign country and it becomes a situation with a laminated timeline? And then you come home and you think, great, I'm safe, I'm on American soil, nothing else can go wrong? And then you try to fly to New
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