Arts: Kevin Costner's "Richard III" Closes After Opening

The much anticipated Broadway premiere of Kevin Costner's "Richard III" closed today hard on the heels of it's poorly received opening last night.  "While we are obviously saddened to shutter less than a day after opening," said producer Hal Minor, "we must realize that some things are just not meant to be."

The move follows a flurry of negative reviews across every major news market.  "Costner's 'Richard' is a trainwreck looking for a dumpster fire," read NYT Arts.  "One is forced to ponder what on god's earth prompted anyone to put Shakespeare together with Kevin Costner in the first place, and conclude it could only be the inscrutable machinations of extraterrestrials or perhaps demons."

"WTF?" read the Village Voice.  "Costner as Richard is so psychotically conceived it could've been a breakthrough tour de force, but sadly it's just sad.  Costner's Richard is limp, anemic, and yet somehow both boring and frenetic at the same time.  Such a bizarre stew of artistic choices could still feed the performance a certain kitsch appeal, if it wasn't so utterly pathetic and cringe worthy."

"Costner's Richard was, frankly, so hard to watch I'm physically enraged," wrote Variety.  "What starts out as an unoriginal interpretation quickly degrades into a freakish, surreal cartoon of Shakespearean theater. I'm not sure what anyone involved with this production had envisioned, nor what hellish nightmare landscape of bad drugs convinced them to proceed with this disaster, but those responsible should be banned from working in professional theater for the remainder of their useless, clumsy lives."

The play's closing cuts short the former Yellowstone actor's Broadway ambitions before they even started, A spokesman for the actor said, "Kevin is heartbroken that his performance was not better received. He felt that he had nailed Richard's crippling ailments admirably, and had spent days studying past performances to really get the subtle nuances of the character as authentic feeling as possible.  Perhaps his portrayal of advanced dementia, flaming homosexuality, and costume choices were, in retrospect, ill advised."

U.S. Government Shuts Down Ahead of Shutdown

WASHINGTON -Today the federal government of the United States closed its doors ahead of the highly anticipated government shutdown, likely to have happened within days.  "We are a sadly divided nation," commented Sen. Bill BIllington (Montana).  "This used to be a no-brainer, but these days [the continuing resolution has become] a straw man for every gripe, grievance, and petty political issue that every member has.  Instead of a forum for governing, Congress has become an adult daycare center for its enfeebled members to grouse nonsensically about populist bullshit for the cameras while the country spins in freefall down the proverbial crapper."

"What he said," added Sen. Sandy Tomwallace (New York).

Government leaders announced the pre-emptive shutdown at a hastily prepared press conference this morning.  "We're closing down the government ahead of this looming shutdown as it's simply the right thing to do for the American people," said spokesman Jackie Mann.

"Why?" shouted one reporter, I think she was from the L.A. Times.

"Because, like I said, responsibility," Mann said.

"Yes, but how is that responsible?"

At this point the press conference was shut down.

This action preempted a shutdown which would have been the result of weeks of negotiating obstacles from both sides of the aisle, party leaders who have failed to reach any sort of agreement on anything.  "One thing is certain," said Republican Leader Jim Jimmy, "we are at an impasse."

"I disagree," said Democratic Leader James Jameston.

"Actually, we are not at an impasse, more like a hurdle," recanted Jimmy.  "A large hurdle, like 50 or 100 stories high.  That big of a hurdle."

"More like 20 or 30 stories," commented Jameston.

Wall Street, predictably, tore the t-shirt off its bro, and handed it as a napkin to the Nikkei who'd asked for one mere moments earlier.  It then proceeded to high-five the FTSE and the DAX, do four quick shots of premium tequila, run in place for 5 coked-up minutes, before collapsing in the middle of a brisk mid-day rally.

Reporters Protest Standing Outside “For No Reason”

NEW YORK – In a hastily prepared press conference today, ABC Senior Meteorologist Rob Marciano told a sympathetic crowd of news reporters that he was “sick and tired” of “always having to report terrible weather… standing outside” when it would be trivially easy to “remain in the studio” while giving his weather forecast.  “It’s pointless,” Marciano added.

The press conference – which took place on the front steps of ABC Studios on West 66^th Street – featured a number of other reporters who, like, Marciano, stood “pointlessly” outside when “presenting news that could easily be done in-studio.”

Read more: Reporters Protest Standing Outside “For No Reason”