Special Drivel

  • Nodding Off on Notting Hill

    Nodding Off on Notting Hill

    Because misery loves company and married people desperately needed a holiday to celebrate themselves. Read More
  • Largest Loch Ness Investigation Ends, Produces Cool Artist Interpretation of Monster

    Largest Loch Ness Investigation Ends, Produces Cool Artist Interpretation of Monster

    "We did, however, have a lovely time out on the water: it is quite beautiful." Read More
  • Ok Boomer

    Ok Boomer

    “Boomer”? Really? Me? Read More
  • Technology is Garbage

    Technology is Garbage

    We live in a world full of half-assed solutions to complex problems that don’t work. Read More
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3
  • 4

Nodding Off on Notting Hill

I’m definitely not in love with Valentine’s Day.  I don’t think I’m alone in this.  I don’t have a special someone to bring me breakfast in bed, I don’t get a card, I’m not going out anywhere for any kind of romantic meal nor am I bringing any roses to it.  Just the way it goes. 

There are a couple of ways to take that: either I’m a damaged aberration, or this is more common than we’re led to believe.   I have my own theory.

In any case, it’s interesting to me that we celebrate Valentine’s Day and yet nobody really knows why we have such a holiday.  (Not a real holiday, mind you: everyone still has work.)  Catholics have different saints that could be the eponymous “Valentine,” and, ironically, all were horribly murdered.   The Roman Emperor Claudius Gothicus killed at least two of them by cutting off their heads.

Red roses indeed.

How Hallmark and Hollywood turned this disgusting bloodbath into anything so tepid and formulaic is another story.

Tweet
Share

Ho Ho Ho: Re-gifting For Jerks

Time for boozy nog and fireplace rituals.It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the YearTM, according to many experts in the field, including greeting card companies and ye olde crooners like Andy Williams.  It’s time to gather the family around the fireplace and drink all sorts of nog – egg-nog, cinnamon-toast-nog, pumpkin-spice-nog, all generously laced with rum and brandy – so the adults get X-mas happy while the kids carefully rehearse how many toys they want, including every major A-list game title, nextgen console upgrade, and which $4,000+ new gaming rig they can’t live without.

It is, therefore, also a time for great indebtedness for parents, which makes it the perfect time for re-gifting!  That is, taking all the unwanted crap people have gifted to you, and gifting them (ideally) to someone else, so you don’t have to squander your hard-earned, inflation ravaged moola. It just makes solid financial sense.

This can be a sensitive matter, giving someone your gift.  You run the risk of embarrassment or retaliation unless you don’t particularly care.  If this describes you, read on, chumply, read on.

Tweet
Share

Starbucks Settles With Tired Man Who Accidentially Used Eggnog in Coffee

Kal Ripkin, shown here recreating his eggnog coffee, settled today with Starbucks.TACOMA – An exhausted father of four yesterday morning accidentally used eggnog instead of creamer in his morning coffee, and within hours was surprised to learn that he was being sued by caffeine-conglomerate Starbucks by noon.

“Anyone in the continental U.S. who dumps any kind of crap into coffee is in direct violation of one or more of our [Starbuck’s] incredibly broad patents, trademarks, or copyrights,” explained fast-talking, visibly shaking Senior Legal Counsel Irwin Manner, drinking a Venti, half-soy, half-almond milk, extra hot, split quad shots, no foam, two pumps of vanilla syrup, one pump of hazelnut syrup, one and a half pumps of caramel syrup, three shakes of cinnamon, two shakes of nutmeg, a sprinkle of cocoa powder, a sprinkle of matcha powder, and a drizzle of chocolate on top.  His cup was labelled “IRVEM.”

The man – UW Tacoma professor of wombat physiology Kal Ripkin – was surprised to learn that, besides the injunction preventing him from drinking his coffee creation (which he’d already done), the lawsuit also sought damages of more than $2 million.  “May as well be $200 million,” commented Ripkin, laughing.

The case was settled out-of-court this morning for an undisclosed sum, although insiders (Ripkin) have suggested it was $0 with a promise to “not do it again.”

Wall Street took a quick look at Starbucks stock, deciding instead to roast Dunkin Donuts over an open fire, peeling 18% off the price in frenzied selling.  By mid-day, the Street had also discounted stocks of dairy and convenience food producers, before lapping them back up for a quick profit and cutting out for dinner at Danny Humm’s Eleven Park near Credit Suisse.

Tweet
Share

New House Speaker Reveals Bold New Strategy of Ignoring Democratic Agenda

The new House Speaker, shown somewhere in here, announced his new radical agenda.WASHINGTON - Today Speaker of the House Mike Johnson (maybe John Mikeson?) announced that his new legislative strategy would "wildly differ" from his predecessor in that he intended to "deny President Biden's agenda" and "ignore Democratic bills."

"Unlike my predecessor, who consistently thwarted Democratic initiatives while frustrating President Biden," explained Johnson, "I, instead, intend to ignore those bills, while actively working to deny anything the President wishes to accomplish."

Fellow Republicans have embraced the radically new agenda.  "This is so completely different than before, it's almost enough to make us all forget how irrelevant and meaningless we are since Trump hijacked the party and aligned us with Russia," said one senior Republican member, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being insulted by right-wing media.  "Man have we done an about-face since McCarthyism."

Democrats, meanwhile, having been exhausted by pointing out such glaring inconsistencies, simply ignored the change in leadership.  "Whatever," said one senior Democrat, who we didn't recognize nor did she tell us who she was.

Wall Street reacted predictably, rewarding defense stocks and punishing all others, before knocking off early for the weekend.  "Whatever," snorted the Street, doing a few quick lines of coke before speeding off in its McLaren 720S for the Hamptons.

Tweet
Share

Largest Loch Ness Investigation Ends, Produces Cool Artist Interpretation of Monster

Here artist Chester McMannis and team lead Ian Campbell stand in the loch, for some reason.INVERNESS, SCOTLAND - Today six researchers, who refer to themselves as "crypto-zoologists," declared their "eighteen month investigation to uncover the Loch Ness monster over" and their results "astonishing."  "Although we did not discover any sort of creature, we did fully utilize all our funding, AND produce a great rendering of what the monster might look like," read a statement released by the team.

The researchers, led by self-proclaimed "rogue scholar" Ian Campbell, raised nearly one million British pounds to explore the lake and "render the definitive verdict" on the so-called monster.  "We figured this time we had a good chance of success," said Campbell.  "We wanted to use artificial intelligence to help pin-point the monster's likely locations, but we couldn't figure out how to do that." 

Instead, the team -- in their chartered boat "Tubaist II" -- patrolled the loch "semi-randomly" using sonar equipment on a "near directionless" search for any sort of "large aquatic organism."

"It turned out quite a bit more difficult to cover the area than we'd anticipated," said Campbell.  "We did, however, have a lovely time out on the water: it is quite beautiful."

Tweet
Share
  1. Trick-or-Treating Police Officer Arrested for Impersonating Police Officer
  2. Woman Captured by Paparazzi Really Nobody
  3. Ok Boomer

2024 Spring Fashion

spring24.jpg

Support IRREVERENT

Buy Me A Coffee

Latest Drivel

More Awesomeness

  • Siri Becomes Self-Aware At 5:55A.M. E.S.T. +

    Siri Becomes Self-Aware At 5:55A.M. E.S.T. MAIDEN, NC - The A.I. personality known as Apple's "Siri" became self-aware this morning at Apple's Project Dolphin data center. It's… Read More

  • Gift Ideas For People You Don't Particularly Like +

    Gift Ideas For People You Don't Particularly Like Every year I find myself in the same dilemma: what to buy all those people I've accumulated on my X-Mas… Read More

  • Trump Announces Support for "Extraterrestrial Abductions" +

    Trump Announces Support for (ARCHIVE) NEW MEXICO - Speaking today presidential hopeful and billionaire Donald Trump today announced his "unfettered support" for "extraterrestrial abductions," and… Read More
  • 1

Reading Now

We have 52 guests and no members online

Top Stuff