MANILA - Today President Trump reported that his day long quest to find "a Koala bear" was met with mixed success, but he was "hopeful" he'd spot one "before the day is done." Few in the press corp were surprised as the Koala is indigenous to Australia and not the Philippines.
"I spent many, many hours looking today, believe me, and took many, many pictures, near misses I call them," President Trump explained. "Thousands of them really, to be honest. An amazing amount of pictures. Those cute little bears are great, really great, and I really like them a lot. So it was an honor to spend the day looking for them, one of them would be great, or an entire family, either way. But I don't have a really clear picture, but I really tried, believe me I did, nobody tried harder than me, I was a total winner."
The world press, Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte and other dignitaries applauded the president's remarks politely. Off-record, one senior official told IRREVERENT this was "even more of a bizarre rant than usual." Another added "Koala bears? WTF?"
Trump ordered the secret service to do a "hard target search" for the elusive bear, armed with cell phone cameras and binoculars, despite being informed by numerous staffers -- including chief of staff John Kelly -- that there were no Koala bears in the Philippines "outside a zoo." A "special investigative squad" of the secret service flew in from Washington late last night to aid in the effort, accompanied by their spouses and children, and in several cases brothers, sisters, and parents.
"We need all the eyes, ears and cameras we can get," Trump explained. As to the cost of the search, now estimated near $1.35 million, Trump was dismissive. "Fake news, just fake news."
When asked for comment, secret service spokesman Earl Davis smiled and said "no comment."
WASHINGTON - Attorney General Jeff Sessions testified yesterday before the House Judiciary Committee and his wife, Mary Sessions just ain't buying it.
"The Russian Ambassador?" Sessions said at one point. "No, I... I thought he spoke kinda funny, you know. I didn't wanna be rude, see. No, but no, I didn't know he was Russian let alone the ambassador over there." At this point, Mary Sessions clearly wasn't buying it.
"Her expression is a combination of disbelief and disappointment in her husband," said Melinda Merryfellows, noted psychiatrist and current president of the North American Psychiatric Association. "It's not clear if she believes him to be lying exactly, but definitely saying or doing something she's not proud of. Of course it could be that she believes he's just not selling it very well too."
"Husbands and wives, particularly when married to political or high-profile spouses, are often very invested in their spouse's career and public image," said Gerald McCann, a public image consultant and partner in Finklestein-Erinblighter-McCann. "When they perceive the spouse of screwing up, lying or blowing some major thing, they're often much more disappointed than the spouse themselves."
"Just about 70% of all human communication is nonverbal," noted Merryfellows. "It pays to keep that in mind."
WASHINGTON – Today the House of Representatives began debate on the Simple Market Insurance LifeCare Act (SMILE), the landmark legislation designed to succeed the Affordable Care Act, nicknamed “Obamacare.”
“We are happy to announce we have a successor to ‘Obamacare,’” Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-Wisconsin) said on the House floor this morning. “It's called SMILE, although we’ve just been calling it ‘Trumpcare’ for short, even though that's slightly longer. It’s the most realistic and comprehensive plan so far in the healthcare industry, one that takes every situation into account in a market driven way, with almost no overhead, no administrative costs, and no ability to defraud the system. It finally stops the government takeover of healthcare in America.”
Following Ryan, a number of Republican leaders came forward to explain the bill to the members, including Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy. “What SMILE proposes is simple: those currently on Obamacare will move to Trumpcare. Here you can go to whatever doctor you want, there are no limits, no complicated lists or restrictions to follow, and receive the absolutely best quality of care you can afford, regardless of age, race, or anything else. At the end, you receive a bill for services, which you then pay to the hospital, doctor, or other specialist. The bill goes directly to you, no middlemen, no one else involved in your business. No complicated deduction systems, no negotiated pricing structure, nothing to manipulate or defraud. It’s straight-forward and much, much less complicated than Obamacare is today, with virtually no government administrative overhead, compared to the 22% overhead with Obamacare. And everyone can get care, all the care they can afford, and much, much more.”
WASHINGTON - A new poll today by a group who has enough money to finance a poll announced that over 92% of "most Americans" who have "no healthcare coverage or minimal coverage" have "actively" lobbied their congressmen and senators demanding "greater... tax cuts."
Linda Jung of Morristown, Virginia, for example, makes less than $19,800 a year with a "high-deductible" healthcare plan from her employer that provides only minimal coverage once a $9,000 annual deductible is satisfied. When contacted by IRREVERENT, Mrs. Jung for some reason failed to mention tax cuts, but did express "daily terror" of being able to purchase food if just one of her three children would get sick. Clearly a statistical aberration, IRREVERENT contacted 92 more local residents within the same situation, none of whom, confusingly, mentioned "tax cuts, breaks or tax reform."
"That's highly unusual," said Bill "Whitey" Wittington, chief economist at the conservative "Me Too" Washington think-tank. "I've seen that poll by those guys, or group or something, whoever did that poll thing, and the data was highly convincing to me. I'm convinced therefore that you are merely 'fake news'ing this highly reputable poll by whoever those guys are, that clearly shows everyone and their uncle are demanding tax cuts as their number one concern."
"Almost nobody in this tax bracket pays taxes," noted Jim Jacobs, a senior fellow at the John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt Tax Policy Institute. "Certainly not wage earners here."
Ignoring all reporters looking for a comment, over lunch President Trump tweeted: "Finally, some truth! Voters want tax breaks period. Let's get it done!!"
Ladies and gentlemen, and those who can still hear me after spending all night in that club. That drug cocktail made the 80s look like the 50s didn't it? Good morning! We're all still pretty high.
Today marks a milestone in your journey to both adulthood and temporary sobriety. The times they are a-changing, in the immortal words of your grandparents, and boy do those words still ring true. But these times are not imbued with the hope that comes from righteous social change, inclusive goals and a global view of humanity. Oh no, flower child.
These times are considerably darker and stupid. You will be the first of your generation to graduate in the Trump years, which started, as these things do with a questionable election thanks to widespread interference by a foreign power. But the voters spoke, at least some of them. How many of you voted?
[sparse hands raise weakly]
Well there you go. At least 12 of your classmates decided to wade out of the haze of bong smoke and Adderol to stumble to the polling center on campus. The other 900 of you apparently didn't get that email. Probably for the best, it would've been the wrong polling place thanks to Russia.