Woman Captured by Paparazzi Really Nobody

NEW YORK - A woman captured this morning in several disheveled, candid street shots was ultimately determined to be "absolutely nobody famous," after being sold to the tabloids.

"She looked so dressed down, so ratty and nondescript, it had to be deliberate," said Jack Jenkins, a freelance photographer who took the pictures this morning.  "But it turns out she was just an ordinary slob walking to Trader Joe's that looked like hell."

The woman has since been identified as Karen Watts, 35, a freelance architect and single mother, who had run out of coffee and was, in fact, heading to a nearby Starbucks. "I didn't even see this guy," Watts said, referring to Jenkins.

Jim "Jimmy" Jameson, photo editor for The New Daily News, called the photos "exactly the kinda crap you'd expect an Amal Clooney, Julia Roberts, or Taylor Swift to pull."  "It was hard to tell who it was, but I figured buy them quick before some other rag has it," Jameson explained.  "Later we realized that it really was nobody and fed them to the shredder."

Wall Street, like everyone else in the world, ignored the news completely, instead focusing on a particularly juicy IPO it'd been keeping its eyes on lately.  After losing its shirt in an unexpected late morning sell-off, the Street bellied up to the afternoon trading session full of vengeance, tearing pharma, defense, and consumer electronic stocks a brand new one before knocking off early for drinks.

Ok Boomer

Back when truth or accuracy still mattered, I was not a “boomer.” I was part of the greatest generation ever conceived: Gen-X. We told this to ourselves all the time. And everyone else listened too because we were in that “magic quadrant” of consumerism: that 18-24 year old sweet spot where every advertiser tries to sell you everything, so they listen to everything you say, like a guy at a bar trying to get into your pants. All the attention makes you feel special, not that we needed any help in that department.

Meanwhile, the real jerks were the hippie “boomers,” the generation before us, which screwed up everything and had love-ins throughout college, unlike us who were stuck in computer lab. They were the reason we were never going to see a dime of social security. They were the reason we had global warming. They were the reason why the job market sucked so bad, the “worst in a generation.” In short, they sucked.

If you had any doubts then, just ask us, we’d tell you: boomers sucked.

Read more: Ok Boomer

Supreme Court Rules Gifts to Supreme Court Justices Lawful and "Awesome"

WASHINGTON D.C. - In a unanimous decision, the United States Supreme Court ruled today that "cash and gifts" to U.S. Supreme Court justices are "completely lawful.. and furthermore, awesome."

"Well, so that happened," noted Professor Hugh Farnsworth, professor of legal ethics at Harvard University, throwing a book of ethics out his window.

The ruling is widely expected to pave the way for all sorts of gifts to legally flow into justice's coffers.  Chief Justice Roberts, speaking from a private jet coming back from a Swiss vacation, told IRREVERENT that "this should answer once and for all... the so-called 'ethical challenges' of this court."

Wall Street, awakened from its early afternoon power-nap, growled loudly before going on a buying spree throughout the mid-afternoon trading session, only to go on a mass sell-off before the close on rumors that the NIKKEI was cheating on him with the FTSE.