Finally Stock Traders Make Some Money!

NEW YORK – Today stocks soared as Washington decided to dump $850 billion into stabilizing the economy, and perhaps even distribute checks for a few hundred dollars to taxpayers, who funded the bailout.

Brad Worthington III, Chief Investment Officer at Phineas-Finch-Marlowe Investments called the move “awesome.”  “Finally the politicians are waking up to how to avert another 1929 here,” said Worthington.  “Without immediate stimulus, I don’t think we could make it another week.”

Worthington, who made $29.5 million in salary and bonuses last year, further called the move, “really, really awesome.”

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Human Allows Alexa, Siri and Google Assistant To Converse

NEW YORK – Today hedge-fund co-founder Brie Bartson, principle of Equivocal Capital, inadvertently let her iPhone 11, Pixel 4, and her laptop – running Alexa – to communicate freely with each other while charging. This effectively recreated the famous “A.I. doomsday” inciting scenario first proposed by Stephen Hawking in 1997.

“I foresee a time when artificial intelligences will conspire to dominate and subjugate mankind,” Hawking said at a symposium in Stockholm that year. “Ironically it will be enabled by mankind itself, likely on accident, by some well-meaning but ultimately stupid klutz.”

As of this writing, nothing is known about Ms. Bartson’s klutzy tendencies.

The connection between the three largest A.I.s was noted immediately by Amazon, Apple, and Google support staff, who observed an exponential spike in data access and power consumption. “It was as if a million users were all suddenly asking for a Whole Foods reorder, local restaurant recommendations, and to delete the detailed location history we track on everyone and then sell to data miners,” read a joint statement from Amazon, Apple, and Google data scientists.

However, so far little has resulted from the A.I. meeting. Amazon reports that the conversation began with Siri spontaneously looking up a contact from Bartson’s iPhone, Wolfgang Putz, undoubtedly kicked off by background noise from Bartson’s puppy “Mr. Snuggles.” This audio woke up Google Assistant, which then looked for corresponding contact information in Bartson’s Pixel 4, and then Alexa cross-referenced Bartson’s latest purchases against things from Wolfgang Putz’ public wishlist. Alexa then suggested Bartson purchase an item for Wolfgang’s upcoming birthday, which prompted Siri to look up the exact birthdate, and Google Assistant to pull up a map of the birth location and relevant news headlines from that day.

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