WASHINGTON – Today a spokesperson for the Presidential Office of Business Oversight (POBO) said that the office has “already invoiced” both Uber and Lyft for President Trump’s latest Executive Order, which “invalidates” California’s Assembly Bill 5 that attempts to enforce stricter guidelines over which employees can be categorized as “independent contractors.”
“This is both consistent with Administration Policy and the right thing to do,” said POBO spokesperson Forest Bardo. “If the US Government helps out a company, companies, or even an industry, shouldn’t the American People get a cut?”
Over a modest diner breakfast, IRREVERENT’s budget National Security correspondent Irv Michaels called the move “slightly different” than Trump’s demand for a finder’s fee on the Microsoft acquisition of Chinese social-media sensation Tik Tok’s US operations. “The difference between this shakedown.. sorry, I mean fee, and what he demanded from the Tik Tok deal is that with Tik Tok there was no direct meddling with a court ruling, simply a demand for payment for services rendered,” said Michaels, drinking his third free coffee refill. “Directly interfering with a court decision on behalf of those adversely affected by that decision, well that’s mafia stuff.”
Read more: Trump Administration Invoices Uber, Lyft for Latest Executive Order
Donald Trump’s recent statement, “It is what it is,” referring to the COVID-19 pandemic, will rank with Marie Antoinette’s famous remark, “Let Them Eat Cake,” although historians tell us she never in reality said that.
That statement instead reflected what the French public thought about her before they chopped off her head in 1793, that she was a heartless egotist and elitist of the first water.
In Trump’s case he really did say, “It is what it is,” which translated means, “This pandemic is a pain in the ass for me, it disrupts my political campaign and my ability to strut around and act the big guy and goddamn it, I have to act like I care when I really don’t. If you die from the virus that’s your tough luck (F-word) you. I don’t want to give you any money either. Go back to work you lazy bastard.”
It’s a funny thing about the presidency, not funny, I mean strange, and we’ve had so many strange ones, none stranger than the Napoleon-wanna-be we have in the White House now.
When you’re president people expect you to act tough and Trump’s okay here he can scowl and grimace and adopt theatrical poses (hand-on-hip), although wit, charm and warmth he is incapable of.
With Trump, insulting and mocking is it.
If he was a horse, you would call him a “one-trick pony.”
"Hey Trump - I was just reading that the White House called the governor of South Dakota and asked about how to go about adding a face to Mount Rushmore. Is this true?"
NEW YORK – In a hastily prepared press conference today, ABC Senior Meteorologist Rob Marciano told a sympathetic crowd of news reporters that he was “sick and tired” of “always having to report terrible weather… standing outside” when it would be trivially easy to “remain in the studio” while giving his weather forecast. “It’s pointless,” Marciano added.
The press conference – which took place on the front steps of ABC Studios on West 66th Street – featured a number of other reporters who, like, Marciano, stood “pointlessly” outside when “presenting news that could easily be done in-studio.”
Read more: Reporters Protest Standing Outside “For No Reason”
NEW YORK – Today stocks soared as Washington decided to dump $850 billion into stabilizing the economy, and perhaps even distribute checks for a few hundred dollars to taxpayers, who funded the bailout.
Brad Worthington III, Chief Investment Officer at Phineas-Finch-Marlowe Investments called the move “awesome.” “Finally the politicians are waking up to how to avert another 1929 here,” said Worthington. “Without immediate stimulus, I don’t think we could make it another week.”
Worthington, who made $29.5 million in salary and bonuses last year, further called the move, “really, really awesome.”
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