IRREVERENT News

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Written by Scott Meadow

WASHINGTON D.C. - This morning an advanced alien spacecraft landed directly on the White House lawn.  One of its occupants -- an alien with an unpronounceable name -- telepathically announced to the White House press gaggle that "[they] were done mucking around" trying to subtly influence human society, and instead "decided to make direct, visible, highly public contact" and announce to the earth that "they exist," and are "done screwing around with backwoods hicks" or "other equally unreliable witnesses" that end up "going nowhere."

"We have an agenda," the alien being explained telepathically.  "It's all highly complicated, and frankly way above what your semi-evolved brains could possibly conceive.  However, after many years of trying, literally millions of you apes now routinely accept the concept of so-called 'alien-life,' but you remain so hellbent on your self-destruction that you've adopted virtually NOTHING we've been beaming into your scrawny craniums all these years.  We've had enough.  We're done screwing around now, and we'll just tell you directly, under the vague hope you'll actually do something positive for once."

Read more: Aliens Land on White House Lawn: "We're done screwing around!"

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Written by Scott Meadow

WASHINGTON – At today’s presidential inauguration President Biden promised the world a “new era… of non-insanity, and it’s going to take some getting-used-to.”

“Americans can now stop holding their breath for fear of imminent nuclear war because someone pisses off the guy with the nuclear football on Twitter,” President Biden said.  “The grown-ups have been reinstated.  Yes, self-control is going to take some getting used to after years of the emotional battering that guy subjected us all too.  We are all going to need time to recover.  All Americans are like one of his ex-wives: divided, emotionally scarred, and much richer for having lost him.”

Former President Trump meanwhile left the White House early this morning and boarded Air Force One for the final time, on his way to Mar-a-Lago in Palm Beach, Florida.  He did leave behind a note for President Biden on the Oval Office resolute desk.  President Biden is reported to have laughed and said, “You too, buster!” after reading it.

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Written by Scott Meadow

LOS ANGELES – Despite having won no electoral votes and approximately 160 million fewer people votes than both major party candidates, a defiant Kayne West called the election “a total mistravesty of justice” because he received so few votes.

“There’s no way Kayne got no 60k votes,” West tweeted.  “I have hired Giuliani and taking this sh*t to the supreme [court]!”

Unaware that West had not yet conceded, election observers were “confounded” to learn that Kayne West was on the ballot in twelve states.

A spokesman for Rudy Giuliani found lurking near a middle-school playground did not comment on any of West’s pending lawsuits, but noted a “$500,000 retainer and $3,500 an hour” agreement.

“I’ve seen TRUCKLOADS of Kayne votes BEING BURNED OUTSIDE DETROIT!” West tweeted earlier, including an Instagram picture of a burning truck in Berlin, Germany from 1998.  “THIS SH*T CANNOT STAND!!!!”

In an apparent show of unity, all three members of West’s campaign team and entourage have refused to quit, citing “a sh*tload of irregularities” in each state West was running, although none of them could correctly or consistently identify which states these were.  “So we’re just suing all of them,” a man calling himself West’s “chief of staff” told IRREVERENT.

Wall Street predictably ignored the news, instead focusing on a substantial new IPO called “PetRock Co.” which began trading at $19.75 a share, before pouncing up to $51.50 before lunch.  Filled with too many martinis and pulled-pork sandwiches, the Street quickly liquidated its position as well as its lunch, spiraling shares to $5.75 by close.