IRREVERENT Magazine is a news magazine parody: we were doing fake news before it was popular.

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WASHINGTON – Last night Vice-President Pence gave the keynote speech at the Republican National Convention, saying President Trump “had extraordinary powers of telekinesis,” “actual angel wings, I’ve seen him fly,” and “a level of intelligence greater than any being in the galaxy.”

The Republican National Convention, titled “A World of Make Believe,” as “homage to the amazing work of the late Fred Rogers who united all people,” continued the theme last night having the Vice-President speak from the perch of King Friday XIII’s castle.  “Like Fred [Rogers], President Trump sees an America oozing with possibilities and opportunities, and his tireless service to all people of the nation should definitely continue for four more years,” Pence said.  “Or else.”

Earlier, dressed as “Queen Sara Saturday,” Kellyanne Conway seemingly previewed the remarks.  “I have seen this president soar like an eagle over the nation’s capital on those giant white wings he keeps tucked inside that suit he wears every day,” Conway said.  “He is tirelessly searching for all those who look to hurt our great nation, by insulting him or criticizing him in some way, and I’ve seen him majestically swoop down and take them out with his powerful talons on twitter.”  Overcome with emotion, she paused before adding: “It’s a beautiful thing to witness.”

IRREVERENT’s budget-friendly Republican strategist Mike “The Pog” Pogorselski characterized the Day 3 speeches as “what had to happen.”  “Look there’s not much else they can do,” the Pog said over a moderate iced coffee we bought with a coupon.  “With almost 200,000 dead due to a virus, tens of millions out of work, and an economy teetering on the brink of extinction, you have to slap on the smiley face and say ‘all is well’ before folks run you out of town on a rail.”

Wall Street forgot to watch last night’s RNC coverage, instead working on reorganizing its offshore dummy corps to better take advantage of its British Virgin Islands tax havens.  “I feel like a third-world dictator,” the Street confessed, looking at its balance sheets.  “The country’s on fire and I’m banking billions.   Fuck yeah!”

WASHINGTON - Today President Trump criticized Michelle Obama's criticism of his presidency presented during the Democratic National Convention, saying, "She taped her responses, very unprofessional," and noted that her COVID-19 statistics were "totally inaccurate... the death count is much higher" than what she said in the pre-recorded segment.

"Four years later, the state of this nation is very different," the former First Lady said. "More than 150,000 people have died, and our economy is in shambles because of a virus that this president downplayed for too long. It has left millions of people jobless."

The President responded harshly, calling her video "poorly produced."  "She didn't even do the segment live, very disappointing," the President said.  "She said something like 150,000 dead [from the pandemic], but it's much more, closer to 170,000, you know, about 35,000 more than the U.S.lost in World War One, Korea, and Vietnam combined."  The President shook his head.  "Very, very sloppy and unprofessional segment research."

Stunned media pundits noted that the president's remarks "stunned" them.

Republican leaders supported the president's remarks at a hastily prepared press conference.  "I don't think it's even debatable that she prerecorded her statement," said John Johnson, the senior Republican senator from Wyoming.

Wall Street reacted by throwing tech stocks against a brick wall, and seeing which ones oozed to the floor, before scooping them all back up in early afternoon profit taking.

Photos: screenshots

WASHINGTON – Today a spokesperson for the Presidential Office of Business Oversight (POBO) said that the office has “already invoiced” both Uber and Lyft for President Trump’s latest Executive Order, which “invalidates” California’s Assembly Bill 5 that attempts to enforce stricter guidelines over which employees can be categorized as “independent contractors.”

“This is both consistent with Administration Policy and the right thing to do,” said POBO spokesperson Forest Bardo.  “If the US Government helps out a company, companies, or even an industry, shouldn’t the American People get a cut?”

Over a modest diner breakfast, IRREVERENT’s budget National Security correspondent Irv Michaels called the move “slightly different” than Trump’s demand for a finder’s fee on the Microsoft acquisition of Chinese social-media sensation Tik Tok’s US operations.  “The difference between this shakedown.. sorry, I mean fee, and what he demanded from the Tik Tok deal is that with Tik Tok there was no direct meddling with a court ruling, simply a demand for payment for services rendered,” said Michaels, drinking his third free coffee refill.  “Directly interfering with a court decision on behalf of those adversely affected by that decision, well that’s mafia stuff.”

IRREVERENT Magazine is a news magazine parody: we were doing fake news before it was popular.

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