WASHINGTON - Today President Trump tweet-fired Rex Tillerson as Secretary of State, tweet-hiring Mike Pompeo, the former CIA Director. He tweet-welcomed Pompeo to the job in his early afternoon tweet session, tweeting: "Welcome abroad, Mike" [sic], despite the fact that he didn't yet have the job.
"Calling your boss a moron is generally the same as a resignation letter," noted Carol Caroline, Senior Fellow at the Jay Johnson Political Thinktank and Rotisserie in Washington D.C. "Tillerson can't have been too surprised."
Pompeo, a former Army Captain and Republican from Kansas's 4th Congressional District, is expected to be confirmed by the Senate Foreign Relations Committee in April despite everything Democrats will have to say about it.
Wall Street reacted to the news by burping up a breakfast burrito and knocking back four Red Bulls before torching the late morning trading session.
[Left: The President's fullly unintelligible tweet.]
WASHINGTON - Attorney General Jeff Sessions testified yesterday before the House Judiciary Committee and his wife, Mary Sessions just ain't buying it.
"The Russian Ambassador?" Sessions said at one point. "No, I... I thought he spoke kinda funny, you know. I didn't wanna be rude, see. No, but no, I didn't know he was Russian let alone the ambassador over there." At this point, Mary Sessions clearly wasn't buying it.
"Her expression is a combination of disbelief and disappointment in her husband," said Melinda Merryfellows, noted psychiatrist and current president of the North American Psychiatric Association. "It's not clear if she believes him to be lying exactly, but definitely saying or doing something she's not proud of. Of course it could be that she believes he's just not selling it very well too."
"Husbands and wives, particularly when married to political or high-profile spouses, are often very invested in their spouse's career and public image," said Gerald McCann, a public image consultant and partner in Finklestein-Erinblighter-McCann. "When they perceive the spouse of screwing up, lying or blowing some major thing, they're often much more disappointed than the spouse themselves."
"Just about 70% of all human communication is nonverbal," noted Merryfellows. "It pays to keep that in mind."
WASHINGTON - Today the White House announced that Robert Builder, the billionaire founder of MegaFoods International, would lead government reconstruction efforts in Puerto Rico "effective immediately."
Mr. Builder, an accomplished chief executive of one of the world's foremost frozen foods conglomerates and one of Forbes magazines top 50 richest people in the world, has no formal engineering or construction experience. However he is one of President Trump's closest friends and lifetime Mar-a-Lago golf club member.
Speaking to the press from Manila, the President praised Builder's ingenuity and drive. "Bob is one of the nicest, most down to earth guys you'll ever meet, believe me. He's amazing, really amazing. Next to me, he's the only guy who could get this done, rebuilding Puerto Rico, seriously I mean that, and I know building believe me. I've built an amazing amount of buildings, many, many golf courses, homes, and you name it, I've built it. And I'm going to build a wall too, you just wait and see, I'm going to have an announcement very, very soon about that too, so keep watching, you'll be amazed when you see the plans, trust me. Besides: Bob the Builder? How perfect is that?"
Off the record, one senior White House official was less enthusiastic about Mr. Builder's resumé. "The 'Bob the Builder' thing? Yeah that's why [the president] picked him. I'm not kidding."