WASHINGTON - Speaking today after lunch, President Trump today told reporters that he was "so smart, too smart really, much smarter than any of those economics guys" and that he had "a plan" to help the United States' economy: "I've already got the tariffs going, and we've separated kids from their parents at the Mexican border, which is going pretty great if I do say so, so how about some more tax breaks. Something like 'massive, huge tax breaks for everyone making...' I don't know, how about $50,000 a year. Something like that. I'm going to call the I.R.S. in a few minutes and get this done. Something like 'no taxes at all' really. I think that's in order. Trust me, I can make that happen too."
As soon as it heard the news, Wall Street threw in the towel, stopped it's massive sell-off and went home to take a nice, long, quiet nap.
Pulling up a footstool, World Leaders watched Trump's announcement, sharing some lightly buttered popcorn and a cool beer. Laughing, the World Leaders watched Trump as he explained his "zero tax plan" to the audience, high fiving each other at various points.
WASHINGTON - Today President Trump tweet-fired Rex Tillerson as Secretary of State, tweet-hiring Mike Pompeo, the former CIA Director. He tweet-welcomed Pompeo to the job in his early afternoon tweet session, tweeting: "Welcome abroad, Mike" [sic], despite the fact that he didn't yet have the job.
"Calling your boss a moron is generally the same as a resignation letter," noted Carol Caroline, Senior Fellow at the Jay Johnson Political Thinktank and Rotisserie in Washington D.C. "Tillerson can't have been too surprised."
Pompeo, a former Army Captain and Republican from Kansas's 4th Congressional District, is expected to be confirmed by the Senate Foreign Relations Committee in April despite everything Democrats will have to say about it.
Wall Street reacted to the news by burping up a breakfast burrito and knocking back four Red Bulls before torching the late morning trading session.
[Left: The President's fullly unintelligible tweet.]
WASHINGTON - President Trump today warmly welcomed Swedish Prime Minister Stefan Löfven at the White House, proclaiming his new trade deals will be "covered with love," and that "Swedish porno stars.. are the best, absolute best."
"We need steel and aluminium, because it's all great stuff, and China is taking advantage of us, seriously, victimizing us really, just because they're in a superior position. They used their position of power to take advantage of us, and that's just wrong. Wrong, wrong wrong. Whenever anyone in a position of authority uses their position to exploit others is disgraceful."
The President then went on to declare how the Oscars are "rigged," characterized football players taking a knee as "throwaway protests," and declared free speech "fine... in certain contexts."
Prime Minister Löfven meanwhile contained his shock well, sipping water and looking upward at the ceiling.
"He didn't address anything about the two main planks in our party platform," noted Ronna McDaniel, Chair of the Republican National Committee. "This one here, which is oak I believe, that people have too much healthcare, really an unhealthy amount of healthcare and it's killing American families. We're working hard to remedy that. Second, this one is pine I think, or maybe spruce, is that taxes are absurdly high for well off Americans, who need that money desperately, and know how to spend it much, much better than the average American. More effectively really, on those items that really power-boost the economy. So we need that more."
Wall Street jumped up and down in place on the prospect of seriously repressive tariffs on steel and aluminium before burning everything in sight, dropping the Dow, NASDAQ and SP500 into free-fall before opportunists woke up and went long, mopping up a healthy intra day profit.
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