IRREVERENT Magazine is a news satire magazine: we were doing bogus news before it was popular.
WASHINGTON – At today’s presidential inauguration President Biden promised the world a “new era… of non-insanity, and it’s going to take some getting-used-to.”
“Americans can now stop holding their breath for fear of imminent nuclear war because someone pisses off the guy with the nuclear football on Twitter,” President Biden said. “The grown-ups have been reinstated. Yes, self-control is going to take some getting used to after years of the emotional battering that guy subjected us all too. We are all going to need time to recover. All Americans are like one of his ex-wives: divided, emotionally scarred, and much richer for having lost him.”
Former President Trump meanwhile left the White House early this morning and boarded Air Force One for the final time, on his way to Mar-a-Lago in Palm Beach, Florida. He did leave behind a note for President Biden on the Oval Office resolute desk. President Biden is reported to have laughed and said, “You too, buster!” after reading it.
LOS ANGELES – Despite having won no electoral votes and approximately 160 million fewer people votes than both major party candidates, a defiant Kayne West called the election “a total mistravesty of justice” because he received so few votes.
“There’s no way Kayne got no 60k votes,” West tweeted. “I have hired Giuliani and taking this sh*t to the supreme [court]!”
Unaware that West had not yet conceded, election observers were “confounded” to learn that Kayne West was on the ballot in twelve states.
A spokesman for Rudy Giuliani found lurking near a middle-school playground did not comment on any of West’s pending lawsuits, but noted a “$500,000 retainer and $3,500 an hour” agreement.
“I’ve seen TRUCKLOADS of Kayne votes BEING BURNED OUTSIDE DETROIT!” West tweeted earlier, including an Instagram picture of a burning truck in Berlin, Germany from 1998. “THIS SH*T CANNOT STAND!!!!”
In an apparent show of unity, all three members of West’s campaign team and entourage have refused to quit, citing “a sh*tload of irregularities” in each state West was running, although none of them could correctly or consistently identify which states these were. “So we’re just suing all of them,” a man calling himself West’s “chief of staff” told IRREVERENT.
Wall Street predictably ignored the news, instead focusing on a substantial new IPO called “PetRock Co.” which began trading at $19.75 a share, before pouncing up to $51.50 before lunch. Filled with too many martinis and pulled-pork sandwiches, the Street quickly liquidated its position as well as its lunch, spiraling shares to $5.75 by close.
DELAWARE - The Secret Service today told reporters that it had concluded its investigation into a series of prank calls made to the President-elect, and that "all calls had originated... from the White House residence."
Spokesman Alex Goodwin characterized the calls as "incoherent" and "bizarre," alternating between "frenzied conspiracy theories" and "bouts of child-like sobbing."
When asked for comment, President-elect Biden, who did not answer the calls but did hear "numerous" voicemails left by the caller, shook his head slowly and said, "What a jerk."
Trump spent the day golfing, as he had been for most of the previous week. Holding an impromptu press conference at the 13th hole, he told reporters that "I have been working tirelessly for weeks now, at my desk in the Oval Office, working on a vaccine for the China virus" and that he "will not stop, or leave the White House, until it's done." Seemingly anticipating reporters pointing out that he had not, in fact, been in the White House for over a week, he added, "Fake news, fake news."
Wall Street reacted predictably, sending telecom shares tumbling in brisk morning trading, before scooping them off the floor in early afternoon profit taking. "I'm gonna miss this," said The Street. "Nobody could pistol-whip the markets with his insane delusions like this wack-job," presumably referencing the current President.
IRREVERENT Magazine is a news magazine parody: we were doing fake news before it was popular.
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