IRREVERENT Magazine is a news satire magazine: we were doing bogus news before it was popular.
WASHINGTON - This week the U.S. Treasury began sending coronavirus stimulus payments to millions of Americans, until everything completely went to hell.
Some lucky Americans got their check early this week, prompting some to ponder how they were going to spend it. New Yorker Cassie Ramirez was practical. "I'll pay my rent, for a week," Ramirez said, eating a piece of plain toast. "Only need three more weeks to cover and I'm good."
Unemployed fine-dining waiter and part-time male-stripper Jack Strong laughed. "I used to make this in a night. Well I'm homeless."
Meanwhile, Treasury Officials scrambled to understand the millions of "glitches" that prevented an estimated 80 million Americans from receiving anything at all. "Our data is a mess and we had no time to prepare," admitted Bill Billerson, Senior I.T. manager at the IRS. "That with all the changes this guy [the President] kept making, we were lucky to get anything done at all."
"It's a miracle," Jane Janet, Bill's boss added, taking a belt from a hip flask.
At this point Trump Senior Economics Advisor Gerry Felder, who was sitting behind Janet by the fire-escape door, poured another shot of Don Julio tequila (his fifth) and broke out in uproarious laughter. "That's great, just great," Felder added staggering through the fire-escape exit, setting off a building wide alarm.
As estimated 22 million Americans are unemployed as of this week, as a consequence of the COVID-19 infection and widespread business shutdowns.
President Trump today heralded the stimulus as a "total victory for all Americans," as his stimulus program was "executed flawlessly at each and every level" of the federal government. "There has never been a more perfect response to a crises in American history," Trump said during a highly rated press conference, while Vice-President Pence stood behind him sobbing quietly. "I've heard from many, many people how amazing it was to get these checks, life-changing really, and you're welcome. Because this was entirely my idea, I'm really, really good at this. And it was an amazing victory. I see no reason why the country can't open up again stronger than ever."
At this point, Dr. Anthony Fauci threw his prepared remarks over his shoulder and walked out of the press room.
Wall Street burned everything in sight on a coke-fueled morning rampage that only subsided for lunch. Eating some Door-Dashed tacos on the exchange floor, The Street washed it down with some vodka from the bottle. "Here's to you [President Trump]," The Street said, raising his bottle. "The last president of the United States."
Eating a Doordash-ed burrito from Taco Bell, local T.V. personality Jake Jacobs (from award-winning KFAKE news) told IRREVERENT what reporters across the nation have been saying for weeks: "Traffic is terrific, there's no congestion. Nothing to see here."
Grounded from the KFAKE news chopper for 18 days so far, Jacobs waxed philosophic. "It's weird being stuck inside like this after spending every morning gliding above it all, watching the traffic, hearing all those honking horns," Jacobs said. "The silence.... It's strange, terrifying, yet wonderful. And deafening."
Jacobs, who may have been high, then drifted into a mid-morning nap.
Relaxing in her bathtub, Pam Olive from WBOG agreed. "Yeah, I miss the chopper too," Olive admitted. "It was fun cruising over all those losers stuck down there, honking in futility. Plus the pilot was cute. Wonder if he's on Zoom?"
Olive, who hit her 17th day today in home isolation, also offered her own reflections on her job's changing role. "Pretty sure they're going to fire me soon," she said. "There's no traffic to report, and there's only so many internet stories and stupid pet fluff pieces you can file from home before everyone's like 'who cares?'"
Others remain optimistic. "This will be over one day, and then, oh boy are people gonna hit the highways!" said Frank Franklin from Detroit's KBULL-TV. "Our jobs as local T.V. traffic guys is gonna be more important than ever. Just wait until it takes you three hours to drive across town to finally go out to eat, you know, at whatever restaurant is still open. Then everyone will be tuning in like crazy! Ratings through the roof!"
WASHINGTON - Today President Trump ordered bidet manufacturers to "vastly increase production" to combat the nation's increasing "toilet paper apocalypse."
Activated as part of the Defense Production Act, Trump ordered toilet manufacturers American Standard and Kohler to "immediately increase their bidet output... to at least 10,000% more, or something like that." "I think it's really a very good way to go, I have a great sense about these things, I'm good at this," Trump said at the hastily prepared press conference. "People are saying toilet paper is really old fashioned. If you think about it, you'll agree too. Why bother with it at all? Personally I haven't, not my whole life, never used it [toilet paper], not once."
At this point Trump Senior Economics Advisor Gerry Felder, standing behind the President, took a large swig from a hip flask and laughed silently.
Health officials were supportive of the move, calling bidets "America's secret weapon... against toilet paper shortages." "It's a good idea, I'm not sure how appropriate given the financial situation of most Americans, but not the worst idea I've heard today, so far anyway," said Dr. Anthony Fauci of the coronavirus taskforce.
"Once again the President's 100% on this, I have one, it's made all the difference," said Bill Blaisworth, a FOX political analyst. "I don't know why people just don't buy a bidet instead of complaining endlessly about the t.p. shortages. Let everyone get a bidet."
Bidet manufacturers were ecstatic with the move. "Our sales have been pretty much flatlined for years now," admitted Carly Strand, a PR flak for American Standard. "We certainly aren't prepared for something like this, but we're happy to ramp up production. Until now, a bidet-bailout was about as realistic as virgin-syphilis, we're ****ing elated!"
Wall Street reacted by pushing stock of toilet manufacturers to multi-year highs, only to spray them back to reality on early afternoon profit taking. "This is the most fun I've ever had during a pandemic," the Street confessed to IRREVERENT. "I mean this is the most fun and profit I've ever had trading off one guy's crippling mental illness pistol-whipping a national economy."
IRREVERENT Magazine is a news magazine parody: we were doing fake news before it was popular.
IRREVERENT is a parody of a news magazine, and opinions, random thoughts, gestures, gesticulations, comments, bizarre rantings or anything anyone on the planet (or elsewhere) may possibly find objectionable, actionable, stupid, pointless, and/or misleadingly silly may or may not be shared by the management of IRREVERENT Publishing, LLC. Celebrity voices in the IRREVERENT Podcast are impersonated. People, products or services mentioned or depicted in IRREVERENT Magazine are referenced only for criticism or comment, and are not intended to imply an endorsement of IRREVERENT nor any other product or service unless explicitly stated otherwise.