WASHINGTON - Early this morning President Trump tweeted what he claimed was the "evidence" that the C.I.A. presented him showing his administration's ties to Russian intelligence operatives, in the form of two hastily doctored photographs with the President's name clearly visible in the image properties.
"Did you see my tweet," the President said later, cutting off the Prime Minister of Israel in mid-sentence during his unscheduled afternoon soliloquy. "Did you see it? That's the evidence they have, the CIA, that's what they have, and it's pathetic, pathetic. Like Arnold Schwarzenegger, just sad, sad. Nobody can fill my shoes. They've clearly made it up." The President then discussed his old T.V. show again, and how "dishonest" new coverage of him is, before segueing into a diatribe against "Vanity Fair," "terrible Russian vodka.. in Moscow of all places," a meditation on Ivanka's shoes for some reason, a meeting he had at "NASA someplace" that was "great," how "peace could be achieved" in the middle-east thanks to him "if only they'll listen to the best deal they'll ever get," and finally, we think, something to do with what either his wife or Kellyanne Conway wore yesterday, we're not sure. Then the President just sort of wandered off the stage.
Taking a second to repressurize the press corps water cannon, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer was quick to defend the President's tweet and his later comments. "It's obvious to anyone who looks at those pictures that the evidence here was very, very slim," Spicer said, holding up very small pictures of the photos from twitter. "I think it's obvious that the intelligence agencies have it out for President Trump."
He clearly just taped his face over someone else's and then said it was from the CIA to make their evidence seem shaky, said New York Times reporter Judy Judith."His name is in the image properties as the author," noted Washington Post reporter Stu Studly.
"He clearly just taped his face over someone else's and then said it was from the CIA to make their evidence seem shaky," added New York Times' Judy Judith.
"At least use a different picture," added Fox News reporter Cliff Cliffords, dejectedly.
At this point, Spicer reengaged the water cannon, sweeping the assembled press and cameramen off their feet and into a large, wet, swirling mess headed at high-speed to the back conference room wall.
Interrupted at the execution of thirteen political dissidents, Russian President Vladimir Putin wiped away tears of laughter before cursing at reporters looking for a reaction. As of filing, none of the reporters could be located.
HOLLYWOOD - Twentieth-Century Fox announced today that it was greenlighting a film about the infamously nonexistent Bowling Green Massacre, where two Iranian nationals failed to blow up dozens of people using improvised exploding devices in Bowling Green, Kentucky.
“We fell in love with the script,” said Jim Jameson, Head of Worldwide Productions. “It’s a detective story, basically, where this brave heroine tracks down the killers and tells the world of their crimes. But was it all just a dream? Is she actually totally insane? Just a liar? It’s ‘The Wizard of Oz’ meets ‘Total Recall’; we think audiences are going to love it! At least 49% of them but that’s a lot.”
Although little of the plot has been released, the film, written by actor Gary Busey, follows the build-up and aftermath of one of the nation’s most famous terrorist attacks that didn’t take place. “I wanted to play with the ideas of dreams and reality, truth and fiction, how truth is as subjective as fiction,” said Busey. “This is really some of my best work yet. I was able to dribble some of my ineffable, alien life essence into this work, from the innermost chasm of my own orgasmic consciousness. My power cannot be denied: whatever I do or say cannot be denied on the intergalactic highway of existence.”
Industry insiders have reported similar films in the pipeline at other major studios. “It’s rumored that MGM has a ‘Bowling Green’ thing with Stephen Baldwin attached,” said Janice Janetson, chief entertainment correspondent at “Whatever” magazine. “And Paramount has a sci-fi take on the same thing with Arnold Schwarzenegger playing the President, and Kaitlyn Olson as the lone, brave heroine telling the world of the massacre that didn’t happen. Or did it, right. This could be another ‘Deep Impact,’ ‘Armageddon’ situation, only with a fake premise.”
Wall Street reacted by snorting a line of H and lighting its own farts.
WASHINGTON – Tweeting from the Oval Office today, President Trump announced the immediate sale of his “Best President Ever” commemorative coin for $99/each, with a limit of 100 coins to each customer. The profits will be donated to the Donald J. Trump Foundation, which the President was quick to remind us was “completely out of [his] control, totally out of [his] control” but “just a great, great company … staffed by great, wonderful people.”
Reloading his .308 hunting rifle, White House spokesman Sean Spicer fired two more warning shots at the White House Press Corps before continuing to explain the President’s seemingly unprecedented commercial venture for a sitting president. “This is a completely normal, uhh, thing for a president to do, promoting democratic values all over the world, particularly those interested in coin collecting,” Spicer explained.
“He’s keeping all the profits,” noted a Washington Post reporter.
“And using the U.S. treasury to mint the coins,” mentioned the New York Times.
This is pushing the boundaries of presidential hucksterism.“FAKE NEWS!” Spicer shouted, red faced, pointing at the assembled press corps. “BAD NEWS IS FAKE NEWS YOU’RE ALL FAKE NEWS!” At this time Spicer was tranquilized with several pulses from a high-powered taser and escorted to his office by the Secret Service.
“Say what you will, this is unprecedented presidential behavior,” said Jack Jackson, the James Jamison Chair of Political History at Harvard. “We’ve had president’s hawking stuff before – Kennedy once sold yachting jackets, Dick Nixon offered a plate once with his likeness. Truman had a brand of cigar back in the 40s, Obama, well, he wrote a book, which really isn’t the same thing. But to use the U.S. mint to sell a commemorative coin for private profit? This is pushing the boundaries of presidential hucksterism. Even Nixon donated the $1,000 he ended up making on those cheap plates to the Flat Earth Society.”