IRREVERENT News

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Written by Scott Meadow

WASHINGTON – Today a spokesperson for the Presidential Office of Business Oversight (POBO) said that the office has “already invoiced” both Uber and Lyft for President Trump’s latest Executive Order, which “invalidates” California’s Assembly Bill 5 that attempts to enforce stricter guidelines over which employees can be categorized as “independent contractors.”

“This is both consistent with Administration Policy and the right thing to do,” said POBO spokesperson Forest Bardo.  “If the US Government helps out a company, companies, or even an industry, shouldn’t the American People get a cut?”

Over a modest diner breakfast, IRREVERENT’s budget National Security correspondent Irv Michaels called the move “slightly different” than Trump’s demand for a finder’s fee on the Microsoft acquisition of Chinese social-media sensation Tik Tok’s US operations.  “The difference between this shakedown.. sorry, I mean fee, and what he demanded from the Tik Tok deal is that with Tik Tok there was no direct meddling with a court ruling, simply a demand for payment for services rendered,” said Michaels, drinking his third free coffee refill.  “Directly interfering with a court decision on behalf of those adversely affected by that decision, well that’s mafia stuff.”

Read more: Trump Administration Invoices Uber, Lyft for Latest Executive Order

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Written by IRNewz

WASHINGTON – In response to this week’s announcement of an “approved” Russian novel coronavirus vaccine, President Trump called the vaccine “completely great and awesome.”

“It is with great pleasure that we make this announcement,” said Russian Ambassador Ivan Kaputnik, joining Trump at the press conference.  “Although we are not fully complete with 100% voluntary human trials, we are complete enough to proceed with widespread distribution immediately,” Kaputnik said through an interpreter.  “Many of the inmates who participated are still very much alive,” he further added cryptically.

“I think this is just awesome, truly, completely great and awesome, a great day for the country and the world, really,” Trump said.  “We need a vaccine sooner than later, and we can’t always wait, this is pretty urgent, really, we need something now.  And I’m sure that when this is released, our Russian partners will gladly share with the United…”

The President paused as Ambassador Kaputnik shook his head negatively.

“We will work out some sort of deal, I’m sure,” Trump added.

“We wish to thank all doctors working on these vaccines for their remarkable progress since this tragedy began,” Kaputnik continued.  “Although Russia developed this vaccine completely on her own, certainly in no way stealing from another nation or nations, we realize that the scientific community as a whole deserves credit here,” he said, adding, “but Russia was first.”

In an interview broadcast on the Russian state-run news agency “PravdaLike,” Warden Marko Pavlovof said that the human trials he’d supervised on inmates “went completely great and awesome in fact.”  “These men and women committed a variety of political crimes against the state,” Pavlovof said.  “Yet they immediately volunteered to be injected with [an] experimental drug, which only shows the commitment of every Russian journalist – incarcerated or still waiting to be –to help mother-Russia combat this vicious disease.”

Although bullish on pharma stocks, Wall Street seemingly ignored Trump’s latest Russian endorsement, and took out some late afternoon frustration by beating up tech and construction in a coke-fueled rampage.

Photo Credits: Unsplash, screen capture from the movie "Airplane!"

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Written by Scott Meadow

WASHINGTON - This week the U.S. Treasury began sending coronavirus stimulus payments to millions of Americans, until everything completely went to hell.

Some lucky Americans got their check early this week, prompting some to ponder how they were going to spend it.  New Yorker Cassie Ramirez was practical.  "I'll pay my rent, for a week," Ramirez said, eating a piece of plain toast.  "Only need three more weeks to cover and I'm good."

Unemployed fine-dining waiter and part-time male-stripper Jack Strong laughed.  "I used to make this in a night.  Well I'm homeless."

Meanwhile, Treasury Officials scrambled to understand the millions of "glitches" that prevented an estimated 80 million Americans from receiving anything at all.  "Our data is a mess and we had no time to prepare," admitted Bill Billerson, Senior I.T. manager at the IRS.  "That with all the changes this guy [the President] kept making, we were lucky to get anything done at all."

"It's a miracle," Jane Janet, Bill's boss added, taking a belt from a hip flask.

At this point Trump Senior Economics Advisor Gerry Felder, who was sitting behind Janet by the fire-escape door, poured another shot of Don Julio tequila (his fifth) and broke out in uproarious laughter.  "That's great, just great," Felder added staggering through the fire-escape exit, setting off a building wide alarm.

As estimated 22 million Americans are unemployed as of this week, as a consequence of the COVID-19 infection and widespread business shutdowns.

President Trump today heralded the stimulus as a "total victory for all Americans," as his stimulus program was "executed flawlessly at each and every level" of the federal government.  "There has never been a more perfect response to a crises in American history," Trump said during a highly rated press conference, while Vice-President Pence stood behind him sobbing quietly.  "I've heard from many, many people how amazing it was to get these checks, life-changing really, and you're welcome.  Because this was entirely my idea, I'm really, really good at this. And it was an amazing victory.  I see no reason why the country can't open up again stronger than ever."

At this point, Dr. Anthony Fauci threw his prepared remarks over his shoulder and walked out of the press room.

Wall Street burned everything in sight on a coke-fueled morning rampage that only subsided for lunch.   Eating some Door-Dashed tacos on the exchange floor, The Street washed it down with some vodka from the bottle.  "Here's to you [President Trump]," The Street said, raising his bottle.  "The last president of the United States."