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UNITED STATES - Today President Trump fully endorsed the controversial Vial of Pure Evil in its senate run, despite being an admitted vial of pure evil. "We need this vial in the senate, and the sooner the better," said President Trump. "We all know the vial is pure evil, we get it, everything has its faults, nothing is perfect, not in this world, particularly concentrated essences of distilled evil like this. But we need all kinds of different points of view, on all sides of the issue. It's important. How else can this be a democracy or whatever?"

"Let's give evil a chance."Although The Vial of Pure Evil is running as a Republican, no other Republican leaders have endorsed it. "No, I don't think the vial should continue its senate campaign," said Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. "It's a vial of pure evil, for goodness sakes. Yes, we need Republican votes but ... but ... this is pure evil! There has to be a limit, and we can't just go letting this ooze into the United States Senate! It freely admits it's evil! Evil is in it's name!!"

Temporarily thawed out of suspended animation, House Speaker Paul Ryan agreed. "I agree with Mitch," said Ryan.

"Prepare for my glorious kingdom of darkness and despair."The Vial of Pure Evil, meanwhile, remains defiant of all opposition. "I will never suspend my campaign," said the Vial. "I will crush all opposition and ruthlessly eliminate all those who oppose my dark designs. Those who survive will do so only with my express permission, and solely for the purpose of exacting my revenge upon them and their families. Tremble before my awesome might. Prepare for my glorious kingdom of darkness and despair."

Pausing between explaining the President's anti-Muslim tweets and his taunting of North Korea, White House press secretary and woman who deserves a 500% pay raise Sarah Huckabee Sanders explained. "Look, we all know that the Vial of Pure Evil is evil, ok. We get it. Evil is evil. The vial admits it, and the president knows that too, he does. Does that mean it can't run for the senate? That's the issue here, see. Just because we don't like what someone says, or what someone stands for, doesn't mean that's not what the country needs. The President gets that, and just wants to see an even playing field for everyone, including unspeakable evil."

Say what?WASHINGTON - Attorney General Jeff Sessions testified yesterday before the House Judiciary Committee and his wife, Mary Sessions just ain't buying it.

"Mmm hmm," Sessions' wife Mary indicated."The Russian Ambassador?" Sessions said at one point.  "No, I... I thought he spoke kinda funny, you know.  I didn't wanna be rude, see.  No, but no, I didn't know he was Russian let alone the ambassador over there."  At this point, Mary Sessions clearly wasn't buying it.

"Her expression is a combination of disbelief and disappointment in her husband," said Melinda Merryfellows, noted psychiatrist and current president of the North American Psychiatric Association.  "It's not clear if she believes him to be lying exactly, but definitely saying or doing something she's not proud of.  Of course it could be that she believes he's just not selling it very well too."

"Husbands and wives, particularly when married to political or high-profile spouses, are often very invested in their spouse's career and public image," said Gerald McCann, a public image consultant and partner in Finklestein-Erinblighter-McCann.  "When they perceive the spouse of screwing up, lying or blowing some major thing, they're often much more disappointed than the spouse themselves."

"Just about 70% of all human communication is nonverbal," noted Merryfellows.  "It pays to keep that in mind."


Picture: Screen capture.

WASHINGTON - Today the White House announced that Robert Builder, the billionaire founder of MegaFoods International, would lead government reconstruction efforts in Puerto Rico "effective immediately."

Bob "The Builder" Builder has been tapped to head the Puerto Rico reconstruction effort.Mr. Builder, an accomplished chief executive of one of the world's foremost frozen foods conglomerates and one of Forbes magazines top 50 richest people in the world, has no formal engineering or construction experience.  However he is one of President Trump's closest friends and lifetime Mar-a-Lago golf club member.

Speaking to the press from Manila, the President praised Builder's ingenuity and drive.  "Bob is one of the nicest, most down to earth guys you'll ever meet, believe me.  He's amazing, really amazing.  Next to me, he's the only guy who could get this done, rebuilding Puerto Rico, seriously I mean that, and I know building believe me.  I've built an amazing amount of buildings, many, many golf courses, homes, and you name it, I've built it. And I'm going to build a wall too, you just wait and see, I'm going to have an announcement very, very soon about that too, so keep watching, you'll be amazed when you see the plans, trust me.  Besides: Bob the Builder?  How perfect is that?"

Off the record, one senior White House official was less enthusiastic about Mr. Builder's resumé.  "The 'Bob the Builder' thing?  Yeah that's why [the president] picked him.  I'm not kidding."

Photo: iStockPhoto.

IRREVERENT Magazine is a news magazine parody: we were doing fake news before it was popular.


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