HOLLYWOOD - Twentieth-Century Fox announced today that it was greenlighting a film about the infamously nonexistent Bowling Green Massacre, where two Iranian nationals failed to blow up dozens of people using improvised exploding devices in Bowling Green, Kentucky.
“We fell in love with the script,” said Jim Jameson, Head of Worldwide Productions. “It’s a detective story, basically, where this brave heroine tracks down the killers and tells the world of their crimes. But was it all just a dream? Is she actually totally insane? Just a liar? It’s ‘The Wizard of Oz’ meets ‘Total Recall’; we think audiences are going to love it! At least 49% of them but that’s a lot.”
Although little of the plot has been released, the film, written by actor Gary Busey, follows the build-up and aftermath of one of the nation’s most famous terrorist attacks that didn’t take place. “I wanted to play with the ideas of dreams and reality, truth and fiction, how truth is as subjective as fiction,” said Busey. “This is really some of my best work yet. I was able to dribble some of my ineffable, alien life essence into this work, from the innermost chasm of my own orgasmic consciousness. My power cannot be denied: whatever I do or say cannot be denied on the intergalactic highway of existence.”
Industry insiders have reported similar films in the pipeline at other major studios. “It’s rumored that MGM has a ‘Bowling Green’ thing with Stephen Baldwin attached,” said Janice Janetson, chief entertainment correspondent at “Whatever” magazine. “And Paramount has a sci-fi take on the same thing with Arnold Schwarzenegger playing the President, and Kaitlyn Olson as the lone, brave heroine telling the world of the massacre that didn’t happen. Or did it, right. This could be another ‘Deep Impact,’ ‘Armageddon’ situation, only with a fake premise.”
Wall Street reacted by snorting a line of H and lighting its own farts.
WASHINGTON – Tweeting from the Oval Office today, President Trump announced the immediate sale of his “Best President Ever” commemorative coin for $99/each, with a limit of 100 coins to each customer. The profits will be donated to the Donald J. Trump Foundation, which the President was quick to remind us was “completely out of [his] control, totally out of [his] control” but “just a great, great company … staffed by great, wonderful people.”
Reloading his .308 hunting rifle, White House spokesman Sean Spicer fired two more warning shots at the White House Press Corps before continuing to explain the President’s seemingly unprecedented commercial venture for a sitting president. “This is a completely normal, uhh, thing for a president to do, promoting democratic values all over the world, particularly those interested in coin collecting,” Spicer explained.
“He’s keeping all the profits,” noted a Washington Post reporter.
“And using the U.S. treasury to mint the coins,” mentioned the New York Times.
This is pushing the boundaries of presidential hucksterism.“FAKE NEWS!” Spicer shouted, red faced, pointing at the assembled press corps. “BAD NEWS IS FAKE NEWS YOU’RE ALL FAKE NEWS!” At this time Spicer was tranquilized with several pulses from a high-powered taser and escorted to his office by the Secret Service.
“Say what you will, this is unprecedented presidential behavior,” said Jack Jackson, the James Jamison Chair of Political History at Harvard. “We’ve had president’s hawking stuff before – Kennedy once sold yachting jackets, Dick Nixon offered a plate once with his likeness. Truman had a brand of cigar back in the 40s, Obama, well, he wrote a book, which really isn’t the same thing. But to use the U.S. mint to sell a commemorative coin for private profit? This is pushing the boundaries of presidential hucksterism. Even Nixon donated the $1,000 he ended up making on those cheap plates to the Flat Earth Society.”
WASHINGTON – Today President Trump talked at the annual National Prayer Breakfast, although as hard as we tried to follow what he was saying, we have no idea what the speech was actually about.
“Thank you very much,” President Trump said, and then launched into a stream-of-consciousness talk on President Eisenhower, Rex Tillerson’s swearing in, his old T.V. show “The Apprentice,” and how he fired Mark Burnett apparently. In there somewhere he publically speculated on who actually appoints the Chaplain he just heard speak – Did he do it and forget? Was it the Senate? – then, despite not knowing who appointed him, says “the hell with it” and "guarantees" him a “secure job,” for some reason and with some unknown authority to do so.
Then he went on to praise Vice-President Pence, and particularly point out why he (Trump) was so smart to have picked him for V.P., then he “thanked” the American people for their “faith and prayers,” stressed his appreciation for the U.S. military, the heroism of Chief Owens, how “miserable” really rich people are, how if you’re poor you better have “great families” and “faith” since “they don’t have money.... and they're happy.” Whew.
At this point, we had to break open the smelling salts. He then said how “blessed” he was to “be raised in a churched home,” how “freedom of religion is a sacred right,” then that “the world is under serious, serious threat in so many different ways,” whatever those ways or threats are, but it’s all gonna be ok because “I fix things,” the President said, trying to reassure the few remaining folks who were trying to keep up.
But then he noted “we have seen unimaginable violence carried out in the name of religion” (my head really started hurting at this point), that terrorism “must be stopped,” then he apparently realized he kinda lost his new Secretary of Defense as he was “going to some other spots” that he couldn’t recollect, then said how he will keep bad guys from entering the United States, then again how great God is, and then “God bless you and God bless America.” There very well may have been a recitation of an old grocery list, a spoken-word cover of an Adele song, or itemized hotel receipt in there too somewhere, we just don't know. By that point the audience was too numb to notice anyway.
Then, we’re pretty sure? He stopped talking. We are still foggy on the entire experience.
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