CLEVELAND - Speaking from the podium at Cleveland's famous Quicken Auditorium and Beer Garden, presidential hopeful Donald Trump last night formally accepted the nomination of the Republican Party calling on all Americans to "brace themselves... for the upcoming era of amazingness, really amazing amazingness, amazing things."
WASHINGTON - In a move that shocked many in the political establishment, today Republican leaders announced their intention to form a brand new political party called "No-Trumps." When Donald Trump asked if he could join via twitter, Speaker Paul Ryan quickly tweeted, "No TRUMPS!" without realizing it was a public reply.
"We are pleased to announce this new party will be 100% Trump free," Speaker Ryan (R-Wisconsin) told the assembled press. "We'd like to say to the entire established base of the Republican party, your money and confidence would be well suited to join us, as we are much more in line with the values established since Lincoln. That other party, the current so-called 'G.O.P. party,' accent on the old, can remain the home for vitriolic lunatics and madmen and all those who support them."
After a rally in Concord, North Carolina, Republican frontrunner Donald Trump when asked for a reaction to the news that the majority of the Republican leadership will be abandoning the party, responded: "F*** them." Adding, "And f*** you for asking."
Wall Street meanwhile did a backflip and summersault, finishing up standing on a single arm with grand flourish complete with an exploding confetti canon on the news, sending energy and manufacturing stocks sharply higher. Stocks recoiled later, however, when the Street took to heavy panic selling in early afternoon trading following a bit too much to drink over lunch combined with four street dogs that just weren't sitting well.
LONDON – An international group of scientists today at the Biannual Consolidated Research Conference announced, during the keynote speech, that a whopping “78.63% of all scientific research published… is totally depressing.”
“It is a sad fact, literally, that so much of our hard work winds up telling a horrifically depressing, yet highly accurate tale,” said Dr. Neils Brannigan, the conference’s head organizer. “Yet there are many other, non-depressing things too that we, as scientists, also study.”