WASHINGTON - Today the hacktivist group "Nom de Plume" posted what the group claimed was Republican Presidential candidate Donald Trump's victory celebration plans, including a controversial make-over of Mount Rushmore and a Photoshopped version of Trump as Time's Person of the Year.
The plans, and both doctored pictures, were quickly confirmed as genuine by the Official Trump CampaignTM.
"I want my victory party to be great, just great, I mean the biggest thing ever, I want this to make Washington's inaugural look like he was just elected dog-catcher, that's how big, that big," read one document, an email from Donald Trump to campaign manager Kellyanne Conway. "And no losers either, don't invite anyone who didn't vote for me, that's just stupid, they're losers so why would I feed them and give them drinks? DUMB."
The email, along with 1,200 others were stolen from Trump's insecure email server which "hadn't even been patched since like 2003," Nom de Plume wrote on their website.
Before he was asked, Trump confirmed that was indeed his email to Conway and he had no idea what an email server even was, during a Q&A following a speech at a church in Cleveland Heights. "Bigger than Washington's," Trump added for effect with a thumbs up.
Wall Street, trying to drink itself into a coma prior to the November election, barely raised an eyebrow at Trump's remarks, any of the otherwise "damaging" documents or even the pictures. Resigned to this being a long, tough slog, the Street collapsed back onto the floor and continued throwing back shots of Jack with vodka chasers.
UNITED STATES - Today an almost overwhelming sense of dread overcame the nation as it collectively realized there are less than two short months until the U.S. Presidential Election and it really looks like we're going to do this. We can't avoid facing it any longer: one of these guys is really going become the President and be in charge of the most awesome military force in the history of mankind. We asked leading scientists and thinkers how on earth we let this happen.
FAKE FOX NEWS - Earlier this week the world got to see celebrity Rob Lowe treated to a coveted Comedy Central roast, but almost nobody expected right-wing pundit Ann Coulter would steal the show. Showing her hallmark glee for eviscerating liberals, Coulter's biting jabs at left-wing values -- held by the majority of the cast and audience -- were quick to endear the entertainer to the entire room and viewing audience.