WASHINGTON - Astronaut Scott Kelly, who landed back on earth yesterday after an amazing year in space, reportedly went missing last night after watching news coverage of Super Tuesday primary returns. Early this morning, NASA officials confirmed -- after checking Kelly's twitter feed -- that the astronaut "apparently bailed the planet... citing that 'humanity looks much better from 250 miles overhead.'"
"You're all f****** nuts," tweeted Kelly shortly after launch, followed by: "I don't know if #AnotherYearInSpace will be enough, but I hope you come to your senses."
When asked about the apparent connection between his Super Tuesday victories and the astronaut's decision to leave the planet, GOP contender Donald Trump responded, "F*** him."
NASA, meanwhile, has been left to speculate how the sole astronaut was able to organize and execute a space launch virtually "on the fly" less than a day after returning to earth. "Clearly we have some, uhh, major security gaps here," said NASA spokesman Arnie Bot. "Rest assured we will look into these issues and produce a hefty report at some distant future date. In the meantime we're making sure that front gate is locked and we've also made some personnel changes in the security guard department."
Wall Street opened sharply higher after hitting a couple nostrils full of pure Peruvian flake this morning, before medics were called near the end of the morning trading session on a possible overdose scare. Recouping early in the afternoon, the Street is said to have checked its blood pressure before jumping into an inscrutable energy selling frenzy just after lunch.
POLAND - At the annual gathering of cognitive scientists in Warsaw this Friday, acclaimed neurologist and author Karl Schanzer announced that his landmark comparitive study showed that "no matter the background of the speaker or content of the speech.. Germans who speak publically all still sound a little like Hitler."
"We're not sure exactly why this is," Schanzer said during his keynote speech. "However, when controlled for audience bias and preconceptions, by and large German public speakers are all rated as 'slightly' or 'moderately' like Hitler over the 22,000 cases we've studied. If the speakers gets excited over anything, anthing at all, that increases to 'seriously like' or 'identical' to Hitler."
Although the so-called "Hitler-effect" has been noted by social scientists since the 1950s, this is the first empirical neurological study to validate the effect.
LOS ANGELES - The women's shelter that Bill Cosby endorsed in early 2014, amid a flurry of positive social media exposure and press coverage, officially closed its doors today.
"There is no way we could survive any longer," said Janice Jackson, Director of the House of Hope. "We're completely out of funding, four of our workers have stepped forward with their own abuse allegations, and, quite frankly, this place has become the most depressing place I've worked in my life."
"The name alone gives me the creeps," added Mary Imani, the only one of the shelter's counselors not reportedly assaulted by Mr. Cosby.
"He stopped by in November for a photo-op and roofied my ice tea," admitted Jackson.
Los Angeles police are currently seeking any information that leads to the arrest of Mr. Cosby. He is considered elderly, rich and incredibly dangerous to any "female mammal."