IRREVERENT News

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Written by Scott Meadow

WASHINGTON - Shortly after tweeting his oath of office, President Trump signed his first executive order to "vastly increase" the nation's message couriers, from approximately 9 currently to "many millions" by 2018.

Funding for the additional couriers, estimated at "not too much" will be paid for by an "excessive email tariff" that "will probably be paid for .... by the Chinese, I don't know, we'll see," the Executive Order read.

When not asked at all for a comment, the President tweeted: "This is a great day for America. Never trust email.ONLY send things by hand! Ask DNC!"

Speaking later, House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wisconsin) called the initiative "interesting" noting that it was also "consistent."

Wall Street used the news to savagely beat tech stocks, already wary and afraid, into a bloody pulp in swift morning trading.  Halting only to sop up the blood from its barbed wire-wrapped bat, The Street smiled and looked over the rest of the stocks, playing a game of "eeny, meeny, miny, moe"  before choosing Yahoo to be next.

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Written by Scott Meadow

"TRUMP MEGA-AWESOME PRESIDENTIAL MEGA-TOWER," NEW YORK - President-elect Trump today announced additional appointments to his cabinet, following a brief $1,000/ticket raffle held among the nation's GOP elite and supporters.  "First, and this is the truth, I'm incredibly grateful for all of you showing me your support now that I've already won, you spineless losers," President-elect Trump said to the crowd.  "Not that I'm going to be vindictive or anything like that, no I won't.  But thank you too for spending a thousand dollars a ticket to be part of my adminstration, yes, get that right MY ADMINISTRATION, that horrible thing that you couldn't even stand to say in public a few short weeks ago.  SAD!"

Here's what we know so far:

Vice President of the United States - Mike "Tuppence" Pence

Department of State  - Machiavelli

Department of the Treasury  - One of Trump's children ("whoever")

Department of Defense  - Negan

Department of Justice - Omarosa (COME BACK!)

Department of the Interior  - "Get rid of it!"

Department of Agriculture - TBD

Department of Commerce  - Another one of Trump's children ("whoever's left")

Department of Labor - Kim Kardashian

Department of Health and Human Services - Carrot Top  

Department of Housing and Urban Development  - TBD

Department of Transportation - Kelsey Grammer  

Department of Energy  - TBD

Department of Education  - TBD

Department of Veterans Affairs  - TBD

Department of Homeland Security  - TBD

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Written by Scott Meadow

The entire debate in 60 seconds:

DONALD TRUMP: I made a lot, a lot of money last year and that's the kind of thinking this country needs, people making more wealth than they could possibly spend in 100 lifetimes and keeping as much as possible, if you told me I'd make so much money twenty or thirty years ago I'd be really surprised, and Ford is exporting jobs and we're in a nasty, a NASTY bubble, and as soon as Obama goes off to play golf somewhere - I hope it's a good course, one of mine maybe -- you watch interest rates climb and the economy tank and then ISIS and NAFTA.... (Continues his stream-of-consciousness tirade for two more minutes.)

HILLARY CLINTON: Kiefer Sutherland you can trust with the nuclear football.  Don't vote for crazy.