NEW YORK - In a stunning announcement, five prominent leaders of the National Organization of Women (NOW) resigned today after being outed as "male" by their families. NOW national president Laura Eden publicly supported the resignations. "It is not a prerequisite to be female in order to support [NOW]," Eden explained. "It is, however, a requirement to be truthful about your genitalia and how that genitalia is typically used, especially in leadership positions within our organization."
[inset side="right" title=""]"I hope now it's obvious what an amazingly selfish lover you were for the five years we lived together." - Sandra "Bill" Winnesoka[/inset]This theme follows high-profile resignations within the National Gay Alliance due to "unacceptable levels of heterosexuality," namely outspoken California regional NGA president Hal Simmons. Simmons was forced to resign after "heterosexual leaning pictures" were found on his computer from the 2015 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition. Simmons continues to maintain the downloaded photographs were "planted."
LONDON - During a charitable luncheon today, a startled Eric Clapton was confronted by numerous allegations that his song "Cocaine" advocated illegal drug use, namely using "cocaine."
Clapton, who was obviously confused and irritated by the confrontation led by a gaggle of young reporters, was slow to respond. "It's not even my song," Clapton said eventually, at the Teenage Cancer Trust benefit luncheon. "It's [J.J.] Cale's, I just did a bloody cover. And it's not advocating drug use, mate, have you even listened to the song?" When the reporters held up their iPods, Clapton only grew more irritated. "Why did you buy the bloody song if you hate it so much then?"
"It's a great song," one of the reporters said sheepishly.
"Look this is a benefit for teenage cancer, can we please keep our eye on the ball? That song is 30 years old," Clapton said.
"Thirty-eight years," corrected one of the reporters, holding up his cellphone.
At this point the entire luncheon crowd began chanting "cocaine," which inevitably goaded the artist to grab a nearby acoustic guitar and belt out an impromptu, unplugged version of the popular single.
Wall Street reacted negatively to the possibility that its drug of choice was back in the spotlight, bumping news focus off heroin, which had been taking almost all of the illegal drug heat for most of the past few years.
WASHINGTON - Lawmakers today easily passed H.R. 5555 the Omnibus United States Surveillance Bill, nicknamed "American Freedom" by the bill's sponsors. The bill provides funding for a variety of new and ongoing surveillance programs, including FBI spy drones, expanded NSA wire-tapping, and nearly $19 million for unspecified covert domestic CIA counter-terrorism operations.
"Today marks a victory for America," said Congressman Steven Flakier (R-Alabama), one of the bill's sponsors.
"I couldn't agree more," echoed Congressman Jill Fountain (D-Massachusetts), the bill's cosponsor. "Today marks a great victory for the American people in their fight against wanton, unnecessary, and now illegal privacy. Terrorism hides in the shadows: this bill pulls back the drapes and shines a huge spotlight into all of America's private nether regions."