"TRUMP MEGA-AWESOME PRESIDENTIAL MEGA-TOWER," NEW YORK - President-elect Trump today announced additional appointments to his cabinet, following a brief $1,000/ticket raffle held among the nation's GOP elite and supporters. "First, and this is the truth, I'm incredibly grateful for all of you showing me your support now that I've already won, you spineless losers," President-elect Trump said to the crowd. "Not that I'm going to be vindictive or anything like that, no I won't. But thank you too for spending a thousand dollars a ticket to be part of my adminstration, yes, get that right MY ADMINISTRATION, that horrible thing that you couldn't even stand to say in public a few short weeks ago. SAD!"
Here's what we know so far:
Vice President of the United States - Mike "Tuppence" Pence
Department of State - Machiavelli
Department of the Treasury - One of Trump's children ("whoever")
Department of Defense - Negan
Department of Justice - Omarosa (COME BACK!)
Department of the Interior - "Get rid of it!"
Department of Agriculture - TBD
Department of Commerce - Another one of Trump's children ("whoever's left")
Department of Labor - Kim Kardashian
Department of Health and Human Services - Carrot Top
Department of Housing and Urban Development - TBD
Department of Transportation - Kelsey Grammer
Department of Energy - TBD
Department of Education - TBD
Department of Veterans Affairs - TBD
Department of Homeland Security - TBD