The Editor's Mess

It’s been a few weeks now and just about everything in America has shut down.  There’s no toilet paper, you can’t go out to eat or see a movie anymore, heck you can’t even hit the gym.  One by one states are being shuttered, the National Guard’s being activated, and any vaccine is at least 12 months away, according to people with actual medical degrees who know what they’re talking about.

But cheer up, grimly!  It’s always black before the dawn, provided the sun breaks quarantine, and sooner or later SOMEONE will realize that they can make a nice profit if they pump up the nation’s supply for toilet paper and cleaning products, and FINALLY make door-delivery of booze commonplace!

Until then, we’re all sheltered in place, realizing how truly unbearable most crap is on all those streaming services we somehow ended up subscribing to over the years but never watch.  Thanks to Jeff Bezos, we can also see the same unbearable crap that was in theaters (before they closed) from the comfort of our own couch, although that thing’s starting to smell a little ripe these days….  You may be isolated and unable to wipe yourself, but don’t forget to shower, folks.

Here are some helpful, random thoughts we’ve gathered to help you as you loaf around your quarantined domicile, isolated, bored, staring into the middle-distance while some Pink Floyd song echoes in your cranium.

  1. Liquor Store Online (liquorstore-online.com)

    They’ll deliver booze to your door at an enormous mark up and high shipping prices, but let’s face it, if this thing lasts months we’re gonna need it.
  1. If you can, download Drizly (Google Play, Apple Store)

    If you’re in their service area, this is a great way to get raise your spirits with some spirits.  Tried it in New York, and the service and selection was awesome.
  1. Don’t click on all those toilet paper or “cash now” social media ads.

    The Bad Guys know this is a pandemic too, and they’re still out to jam malware down your throat in any underhanded, sneaky way they can, including luring you with sexy pictures of huge, juicy, voluptuous rolls of sweet, squeezable toilet tissue.  Scams are rampant in light of the current scare, and all sorts of scumbags will crawl out of the woodwork to take advantage.  Don’t be one of them!
  1. Thanks to the Newport, Oregon police, try soaking all those old anchor lines you’ve got lying around in salt water and using that instead of Charmin.

    oregon policeOr using corn cobs, magazine pages, or a fistful of leaves works too.

  2. Your neighbors may still be assholes, but some need your help.

    Don’t let their paranoia, or bad tempered selfishness keep you from looking out for those in need.
  1. No, the COVID-19 virus is NOT a bioweapon, it probably started as a delicacy.

    I love a good conspiracy theory, but don’t like being pushed around by Russian or Iranian disinformation: I’ll come to my craziness all by myself, thank you very much.  Anyway genetic sequencing shows COVID-19’s natural evolutionary origin, probably starting in bats and ending up in pangolins, which are one of the weirdest creatures you’ve ever seen. 

    Pangolins are heavily trafficked, and were likely illegally sold in the Wuhan wet market, making it a prime suspect for how we got into this mess.   Despite tasting horrible, often leading to chronic diarrhea, fever and stomach cramps, pangolin meat goes for upwards of $300/pound. 

    So about all we can conclude is that whoever bought this, he or she wasn’t strapped for cash.  Apparently eating this crap is a “status symbol” in Asian countries.
  1. Corona  beer has nothing to do with the coronavirus.

    This should be a no-brainer, but just because the name is similar doesn’t mean the beer contains anything else besides beery goodness.  Drink up.
  1. DON’T PANIC.

    Let’s all heed Douglas Adam’s immortal mellow slogan of chill.
  1. Stop hoarding!

    We’re all in this together, so going out of your way to deprive others of being able to wipe their bottom isn’t cool, it’s just mean.
  1. The U.S. Federal Government is really pretty useless after all.

    Not that this is any revelation, all this really has shown us that when the chips are down, the one thing we can really count on is our national leaders looking to make themselves look good enough to get re-elected, while the rest of us wipe ourselves with our left hands.  Meanwhile, locally, people are behaving decently, and pitching in to help each other more than you’d think, without anybody telling them to.
Photos: Screenshot from Stanley Kubrick’s “The Shining,” screenshot of Trump’s March 22nd 2020 press conference, Matt Seymour/Erik McClean@Unsplash, Statue of Liberty by Scott Meadow.

So you’ve been self-quarantined, huh?  You knew that guy’s hand you shook at the developer’s conference looked a little shady, but you did it anyway just to avoid being a paranoid jerk.  In exchange, your boss orders you home when you get the sniffles and test positive for COVID-19.

Are you feeling ok?  More or less.  It’s like the flu, but nobody’s taking any chances here.  So now you find yourself with some time on your hands, and, since you can’t go anywhere, your options narrow to board games, cards, fooling around on your phone, and watching all those streaming services you ended up subscribing to but never get around to watching.  So long as your bandwidth holds out, you know you can do this.

Now’s your chance!  Never fear, IRREVERENT’s here to help.  And before you ask, yeah we’re quarantined too.   Some bozo at the Satirical News Writers Association mixer never heard of hand sanitizer apparently.  Luckily for us all, Drizly delivers booze right to our freshly-Lysol’ed door!  God bless us everyone!

Something has been bothering me for years now. It was a vague sort of longing; a nascent idea that something just wasn’t quite right. Déjà vu? No, that’s something else. The latent paranoia that all sentient beings at one point have, according to Douglas Adams? Generalized disappointment with growing older and probably something to do with Trump? Maybe…. Then last night it suddenly dawned on me.

I was at an after school thing with one of my kids and, on display, was a robot. It was dancing around the gymnasium (oops multimedia room) and had one programmed function, which took two high-schoolers with laptops to demonstrate: if you fed it a volleyball, it would throw it back. The year is 2020.

 

Bundy: Falling for a Killer

  • You're Gonna Make It After All!
    You're Gonna Make It After All! Here Bundy shows the world that there's a lighter side to barbaric psychopathic violence.
  • Bodies Roasting Over An Open Fire...
    Bodies Roasting Over An Open Fire...
  • Nobody Looks Good After Being Arrested
    Nobody Looks Good After Being Arrested
  • I May Be Just A Simple Psycho Lawyer...
    I May Be Just A Simple Psycho Lawyer...
  • The Girlfriend
    The Girlfriend She was Bundy's girlfriend for a while in the beginning, and now she's ready to cash in on the renewed interest. Honestly good for her.
  • Just An Ordinary Psychopath
    Just An Ordinary Psychopath
  • Killer Groupie Three
    Killer Groupie Three "I know he kills women exactly like me but he's just so cute! Nobody's perfect!"
  • Killer Groupie Two
    Killer Groupie Two "He could diddle my grapefruits any time!"
  • Killer Groupie One
    Killer Groupie One "I'm not afraid. He just doesn't look like a killer. God he looks so dreamy!"
  • The Girlfriend's Daughter
    The Girlfriend's Daughter Here she describes living with the serial killer wasn't the go-lucky funness you'd expect.
  • Ted the Goofball
    Ted the Goofball He was a happy-go-lucky murderer, the Homer Simpson of serial-killing.
  • Ted Bundy or Julian Lennon
    Ted Bundy or Julian Lennon Back before fax machines or the internet, cops only had crap like this to work with so don't be too judgy.
  • Smile You Sucker
    Smile You Sucker Ted Bundy, mild-mannered Republican campaign worker with a personal sense of justice.
  • You're Gonna Make It After All!
  • Bodies Roasting Over An Open Fire...
  • Nobody Looks Good After Being Arrested
  • I May Be Just A Simple Psycho Lawyer...
  • The Girlfriend
  • Just An Ordinary Psychopath
  • Killer Groupie Three
  • Killer Groupie Two
  • Killer Groupie One
  • The Girlfriend's Daughter
  • Ted the Goofball
  • Ted Bundy or Julian Lennon
  • Smile You Sucker

It’s a well-known secret that dead celebrities can rake in big bucks. A lucrative, if morbid subsection of the publicity world has devoted itself to the effort, making a buck off of anything and everything it can brand with a dead celeb’s face, body, voice, or film clip. Branding has given necrophilia a whole new meaning.

Michael Jackson, for instance, who died 11 years ago, raked in $60 million in 2019. Elvis Presley, dead 43 years now, came in second at $39 million, and Marilyn Monroe, dead since 1962 rolled in an impressive $13 million. There’s GOLD in them thar rotting corpses!

There are lots of ways to warm up to watch the SuperBowl, almost all of them involving alcohol. This year was no exception for me, and having a few hours to kill, decided to click on "Aliens on the Moon (2015)," a two-and-a-half star documentary about extraterrestrial beings who are currently living on the lunar surface, or perhaps underneath it. Needed something to keep my buzz going.

Seems that there's a group of folks out there who do NOT think the moon landings were faked in a sound stage somewhere, they accept that we really did go to the moon, just that some alien dudes beat us to it and started building a bunch of random shit all over the place for no apparent reason.

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