More Awesomeness

  • Siri Becomes Self-Aware At 5:55A.M. E.S.T. +

    Siri Becomes Self-Aware At 5:55A.M. E.S.T. MAIDEN, NC - The A.I. personality known as Apple's "Siri" became self-aware this morning at Apple's Project Dolphin data center. It's Read More
  • Gift Ideas For People You Don't Particularly Like +

    Gift Ideas For People You Don't Particularly Like Every year I find myself in the same dilemma: what to buy all those people I've accumulated on my X-Mas Read More
  • Trump Announces Support for "Extraterrestrial Abductions" +

    Trump Announces Support for (ARCHIVE) NEW MEXICO - Speaking today presidential hopeful and billionaire Donald Trump today announced his "unfettered support" for "extraterrestrial abductions," and Read More
  • 1

The Editor's Mess

There's no shortage of topics to write about after a few month hiatus from this juggernaut of whimsy.  There's been a tragic shooting at Virginia Tech., a Commander-in-Chief less popular than the weakest Fox reality series, and a set of foreign occupations that leave us longing for a more Vietnam-like imbroglio.  Any one of these would be worthy of comedic polish, and indeed were until I recently ordered a new fan for my office.  Now normally you may not think this would rank up there with military occupations and psycho-shooters, but it does.  In fact, this single stupid event revealed a way to save billions of dollars, possibly end our dependence on foreign oil and stall global warming.

Overblown?  Overly dramatic?  Let me explain.

Given the current state of global political turmoil, you may think that what the world really needs is a hero to save us from our plight.  Well, as one plucky would-be hero named James Van Iveren can attest – behind bars – it turns out that the world is doing peachy on its own.  In fact, it’s watching porn in what would normally be a sanctuary, it’s own home.  That is until Van Iveren bursts in with a sword to “rescue” a screaming woman – from the porn video – that he believed was being raped in the apartment above his and his mother’s.  Feel free to zoom off to put in Pulp Fiction and listen to Chad Kroeger’s Hero (from the Spiderman theme) any time here.  It’s okay, I’ll wait.

In all honesty I just wanted to figure out how many pounds my new poker chips were going to weigh.  I had just found a deal on 500 new casino poker chips, they were each 11.5g, and FedEx was charging me the cost of a small baby-boy to ship them to me.  My scotch soaked cranium just couldn’t pull the conversion calculator out of long term neural storage.  Very likely it got lonely years ago and committed suicide, possibly in a pact with the names of ancient Egyptian pharaohs and dead presidents.  Pretty sure they all had “tep” or “imho” or “Roosevelt” in there somewhere.

Since I couldn’t remember how to convert kilograms to pounds, I did what every other white, middle-class guy does with more bandwidth than ambition: I Googled it.  I surfed over to Google and typed in: “kg to lbs.”  To my relief, the fine folks at Google – in an act of prescience that I’ve come to love and count on – popped the answer right at the top, so even a blockhead like me couldn’t help but find it through a haze of quality Scottish alcohol.

I’ll bet you never realized it, but pretty much everything that’s wrong with America’s society, culture and economic system is all your fault.  It’s true.  Wars, famine, blight, obesity, poverty, greed, crime, failing schools, infotainment, cable news shows, and the failure of the mainstream media (just to name a few); these are all your fault.  The reason it’s your fault is because of personal responsibility; we’re all responsible for our actions, so the blame ultimately boils down to We The People and our terrible choices.  Yup.

Flying is a wholly unnatural act for an ape descendent species.  We were not meant to fly.  Birds - a dinosaur remnant, if "scientists" can still be trusted - they have an excuse for flying; for them, it's a natural act.  For us it requires hours of preparation, including squeezing our liquids into clear plastic bags, before we are allowed the privilege of putting our lives into the hands of potentially quite drunken pilots who have a beef with their local union representation.  Yes, drunk and disgruntled.