I just found out the other day that Queen Elizabeth has a husband! I never knew that. The other weird thing was that he's not the King. I thought that was pretty much mandatory: if you marry a Queen, you get to be a King, or at least a full partner in a drag club.
That was a "Birdcage" joke.
I want to be a King. Not a King like that creepy Burger King guy, but a real King. It seems like a pretty good job. First off, I'd be a billionaire and that's cool. Plus my face would be on the money, which would make it easy for everyone to recognize me. On the downside, I couldn't slouch in public or be rude, and I'd have to smile politely to everyone I meet in a way that makes it obvious I don't like them. That would suck. Still, being King is mostly about showing up places and waving, and I can do that for a billion bucks. Having to put on pants to get the mail is a small tradeoff.
Still, being King in the 21st Century wouldn't be nearly as fun as it used to be. For instance, I couldn't just have someone beheaded anymore and that would suck. I mean, I'd totally take the job if I could be rude to people and behead my enemies. Otherwise, why bother with it in the first place?
Also I'd like to be King of someplace with large beaches and at least some of them must be fully nude. Why not enjoy being King? I think this pretty much counts out Europe, except for a few places like Monaco but they already have royalty and it's pretty small anyway. I'd give Australia a try except they have platypuses and platypuses have poisonous leg spurs. It's true. Can't abide living anywhere with anything that has poisonous leg spurs, especially places that have fully nude beaches.
Then I was thinking maybe I could be King of Austria or something; seems like Austrians respect authority. I'll bet they wouldn't even care if I beheaded some people, particularly people nobody likes anyway, like Amway salesmen or anyone who uses the word "monetize." But then there'd always be this idea that somehow I could start a World War and that's a lot of responsibility. Still their money looks really cool, or at least it did until they started using boring Euros and fired the really awesome engravers. If I'm going to be King, it has to be someplace that I can still get my face on the money.
I was reading the other day about the Phoenix Islands, a little bunch of islands in the Pacific that they think Amelia Earhart landed on when she got lost. I'll bet they'd be open to having me for a King. I googled it and it'd sure be a lot of swimming, but it also could be excellent on the nude beaches requirement. Plus I'd get bonus tourism from all the Earhart press and business from treasure hunters looking for U.F.O.s and things. I didn't look up their currency, but I'm sure it's not the boring-ass Euro so I think I could negotiate my likeness. Plus I could work on my tan for free.
If that doesn't work out, I guess I'm back to not being a King. That would suck.