IRREVERENT News

WASHINGTON - Today the House of Representatives approved the $20 billion stimulus plan for those worth more than $1 billion.

The plan, aimed to "give back... to those who have lost the most" in the recent economic downturn passed with little debate on a bipartisan vote. Meanwhile, the controversial $5 million "Food Stamp Reform" bill, aimed at providing a select group of low-income Americans with an average $13.50 increase in their food-stamp allowance, continued to draw fire from both sides of the aisle.

"Today we were able to help some Americans," said Representative Ron Smithe (D-New York), "but we need to walk cautiously on HR 6955 [The Food Stamp Reform Bill]. I'm glad my colleagues across the aisle agree for once. Now who wants ice cream?"

"Once again we see the inefficient, lazy hand of government used too gently on America's backside," said Rep. Larry Cousins (R-Texas). "$20 billion is hardly enough to make any substantial difference, especially to those worth $7 billion or more, many of whom are my constituents. I think my modest $58 billion proposal would've done much more good for the economy. However, this compromise package isn't half bad."

According to some estimates, there are approximately 449 billionaires living in the United States, headed by Microsoft founder Bill Gates. Under the stimulus plan passed by the House, each would receive $30-60 million each.

Wall Street broke out into a spontaneous love ballad upon hearing the news of the bill's passage. It strutted around its' favorite mid-town bar singing a medley of classic lounge favorites for over an hour, before realizing it was late for the afternoon trading session.