Money for Mammaries Campaign Milks Controversy

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LOS ANGELES - Proponents of the 'money for mammaries' initiative don't mind controversy.

Money for Mammaries has its share of critics. Started as way to help workers in the adult entertainment industries hit hardest by the economic downturn, the program was criticized months before it was officially launched on August 3rd, marking the beginning of Single Working Women's Week (August 3-6). Labelled by some as "idiotic," proponents don't seem to mind the controversy at all. "Anything that raises awareness of those of us in the adult entertainment industries is a great thing," said Gloria Swansong (a.k.a. Jasmine), President of the powerful Los Angeles Local #711 of the United Association of Sex Workers (U.A.S.W.) at a recent Department of Commerce event. "The hard working women in the sex trade deserve as much economic incentive as other sectors of the economy. What difference does it make whether you work in a peep show or Wall Street? Money is money."

The program's official guidelines restrict payments to those in the "adult entertainment industries or affiliated sex workers" who are "seeking breast augmentation... to at least a DD cup size level, but no greater than F."

Opponents of any government largess were to quick to weigh in from philosophical grounds. "I don't want the government's hands in my pockets, why the hell would I want them on my wife's breasts?" said John Jingleheimer-Smithe, founder of the conservative Smithe Group, a Washington-based think tank.

Other opponents, meanwhile are more practical than philosophical. "I don't see the reason behind excluding male augmentation from this stimulus plan," said Buck Creole (a.k.a. John Way), the spokesman for the marginalized Association of Male Adult Stars (A.M.A.S.). "We have been hit just as hard as women sex workers, and I see no reason to focus only on stimulating their business. My take-home is down substantially this year. Imagine what I could do with a bigger schlong."

Wall Street reacted favorably to the program overall, sending shares of entertainment companies up across the board in a frenzy of financial priapism. When asked for a specific reaction, the Street chuckled and grabbed its crotch before spitting on the sidewalk and ditching his cigarette.