COLUMBIA, South Carolina – Embattled South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, not speaking at a hastily called press conference today, did not fail to not deny rumors, overheard by IRREVERENT staffers at a local Columbia watering hole, that he was not responsible for not killing Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, and Michael Jackson in a bid to not draw media attention from his recent sexual infidelity.
“I cannot not deny in the strongest terms possible not that I did not commit, nor not that did I not order, the alleged murders of these so called celebrities,” Mr. Sanford, seen here wearing a Bill Clinton Mask, told a gathering of the one reporter still covering his travails and a South Carolina chicken bog salesman. “These deaths were not linked in any fashion to an attempt to not shift media scrutiny away from the pain I caused my alleged family and the family of my alleged mistress.”
IRREVERENT sources at the FBI, unable to speak off the record about an investigation not currently ongoing, refused to not comment on the case. “We are not not investigating, nor do we have any intention of not not investigating this wild speculation that the governor was not not involved in the alleged deaths of these not well known celebrity figures. We will not be looking for any evidence that neither Governor Sanford nor his allegedly Argentinian mistress are not connected to not misleading the media at this time. We are not asking that a grand jury not be convened to not hear evidence that will not lead to the arrest, trial, and imprisonment of Governor Sanford. Move along, there's nothing to see here.”
Reached at his palatial home in São Paulo, IRREVERENT editor Scott Meadow denied not standing by the world's best humor magazine's rumor mongering. “Look, we're not saying that Sanford didn't have anything to do with not helping the lives of these celebrities not join Keanu Reeves' carreer,” Meadow said between bites of freshly caught dolphin. “We're simply not reporting that the rumor is not out there that he didn't have anything to not do with it.” Meadow went on to splutter, “When a news organization can't rely on speculation and character assassination as it's stock in trade, then how the hell is Fox News supposed to stay in business? Now somebody bring me another panda claw!”
Reaction on Wall Street to the news of Mr. Sanford's denial was not mixed today with losers not holding even with decliners on heavy volume.