LOS ANGELES – A spokesman for the family of the so-called "King of Pop™" confirmed today that a concert stunt gone bad caused Michael Jackson's death.
Speaking exclusively to reporters for Twitterpated, the online Twitter news service, and one IRREVERENT stringer cleverly disguised as Richard Nixon, Tommy Patterson said, “Michael had a vision for his upcoming This is It tour. He wanted to recreate Thriller using real zombies, himself included. Sadly, due to the improper sacrificing of a chicken by the bokor, Michael was killed by Loa Simbi.” Mr. Patterson then murmured an incantation in French and vanished in a puff of smoke.
In Haiti, home of the world's zombification industry, reaction to the news of Mr. Jackson's cause of death was immediate. “ Zombification is time honored religious ritual and should only be used for the most serious of purposes,” said spokesloa Kalfou. “We do not condone the creation of zombies purely for entertainment purposes; especially after Romero diddled us on our percentage for 'Night of the Living Dead. That's why we didn't let Jackson have real zombies for the original Thriller, and that's why we won't let Keanu Reeves have his career back.”
Attempts to reach the voodoo priest involved in the incident remained unsuccessful, but he did issue a statement via Facebokor. “We deeply regret the death of Michael Jackson in his attempt to harness the powers of voodoo. These are forces beyond mortal ken and should be treated with the utmost respect and deference. Voodoo is like medical treatment, or surgery. We made every effort to ensure Mr. Jackson's safety during the ritual, but, like medicine, every case is different. We wish to encourage those who do vodoo to be sure that the voodoo you do, you do well.”
The Los Angeles police also issued a statement saying that they continued to look into the matter, as well as the earlier deaths of Ed McMahon and Farrah Fawcett. “We know that McMahon and Fawcett had just inked deals to appear in the new Thriller video. McMahon was to appear in the role as the narrator, a role immortalized by Vincent Price, while Fawcett was to appear in zombiefied form on her iconic poster. The biggest mystery right now is why Keanu Reeves wasn't involved. With his career as dead as these three celebrities you would have thought he'd have leapt at the chance for some emergency career revival.” Repeated calls to Mr. Reeves hairdresser went straight to voicemail where a cryptic message said only that the “actor” was currently on vacation “hiking the Appalachian Trail."
Wall Street expressed a favorable reaction to the news regarding Mr. Jackson's death as traders found relief from their search for “green shoots” in the economy with a chimp named Prince Bubbles II and a 13 year old page identified only as Barry.