IRREVERENT Magazine is a news satire magazine: we were doing bogus news before it was popular.

Here artist Chester McMannis and team lead Ian Campbell stand in the loch, for some reason.INVERNESS, SCOTLAND - Today six researchers, who refer to themselves as "crypto-zoologists," declared their "eighteen month investigation to uncover the Loch Ness monster over" and their results "astonishing."  "Although we did not discover any sort of creature, we did fully utilize all our funding, AND produce a great rendering of what the monster might look like," read a statement released by the team.

The researchers, led by self-proclaimed "rogue scholar" Ian Campbell, raised nearly one million British pounds to explore the lake and "render the definitive verdict" on the so-called monster.  "We figured this time we had a good chance of success," said Campbell.  "We wanted to use artificial intelligence to help pin-point the monster's likely locations, but we couldn't figure out how to do that." 

Instead, the team -- in their chartered boat "Tubaist II" -- patrolled the loch "semi-randomly" using sonar equipment on a "near directionless" search for any sort of "large aquatic organism."

"It turned out quite a bit more difficult to cover the area than we'd anticipated," said Campbell.  "We did, however, have a lovely time out on the water: it is quite beautiful."

Here two other team members pose in front of Loch Ness, which is really beautiful.Chester McMannis, the team's self-described "crypto-artist," spent the eighteen months on the lake "sketching and doodling... what the creature might look like" if they were to see it.  "About a month ago, it suddenly hit me, so I created a series of drawings from different angles, and when we got back home, scanned them into the computer and ultimately produced the rendering that we published," said McMannis.  "I'm quite proud of the end result, and feedback has been incredibly positive and thoroughly supportive."

"Some have called our expedition 'a great shambolic failure,'" said Campbell.  "But what do you call the quest of science trying to examine the unknown?  We call it par for the course."

Chester's imagined Loch Ness monster.Others have been more critical of the project, calling the team's crowd-sourced £1 million of funding "a complete and total loss."  "They didn't find anything!" pointed out Edmond Willersby, Professor of Evolutionary Biology at Oxford.  "Over a year and a half I'd expect them to find a new mosquito, breed of salmon, an eel, or something.  Not only did they discover nothing new and effectively burn a million pounds, the only thing of value they did produce -- the artist picture -- could comfortably have been done at home for a fiver."

The City of London reacted to the news by ignoring it completely, eating some fish & chips, and taking a quick power nap before the afternoon trading session.  Afterwards, the City tore through pharma stocks, lifted up tech, while beating banks to within an inch of life, before finally quitting with a triple scotch and driving out to its country home for a long weekend.

IRREVERENT Magazine is a news magazine parody: we were doing fake news before it was popular.


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