IRREVERENT News

WASHINGTON - Early this morning, President Obama announced his new "undead" stimulus package.

At a hastily called press conference conducted at midnight at the White House today, President Barak Obama announced another new trillion dollar stimulus package targeted, he said, “at a segment of the population grossly under served by government.” Flanked by Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel, Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, and a surprisingly robust, if pallid, Strom Thurmond, Mr. Obama laid out the details of the latest stimulus package.

In addition to the required multi-billion dollar payouts to large Wall Street interests such as Goldman Sachs and Merrill Lynch the latest round of stimulus spending carries generous allotments for traditional, blood-drinking, vampires. “This society can no longer turn a blind eye toward the poor, the downtrodden and the deceased,” Mr. Obama announced. “For too long this great nation has left vampires to fend for themselves. Well no longer.” Mr. Obama then laid out an Undead Recovery Stimulus Plan which includes increased funding for blood banks, an expansion of retirement benefits for undead senators and other federal officials, a permanent waiver on taxes for those over 130 years old, and a tax credit for new window shades and sunblock for the recently deceased.

“Now I'll admit,” said Mr. Obama, “That some of our friends in the opposition are going to claim that this stimulus is simply partisan spending. I'd like to remind them that former Senator Thurmond was instrumental in guiding this package, even though he's been dead since 1862 and a Republican since 1964.” When asked whether further stimulus spending was a sign that the economic recovery had slowed or reversed, Mr. Obama laughed heartily as he pulled a lever. In an unrelated incident, the reporter asking the question dropped through a trapdoor from which the sound of howling wolves could be heard.

Reached for comment at his palatial home on Sesame Street, Count Von Count, beloved character actor and adviser to Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steel called the stimulus unnecessary and dangerously precedent setting. “Were will it stop? Ah ha ha. After one, one trillion dollars? Ah ah ah. Two, two trillion dollars. Ah ah ah. Three, three trillion dollars? I mean what is the number of the day here? Ah ah ah.”

Count von Schwartz, outspoken adovocate for Nazi undead hailed the stimulus as a victory for “undead everywhere.” Von Schwartz went on to call for an expansion of the stimulus to include tax breaks for blood donors, a sweeping overhaul of the nation's capital punishment system, and an increase in research funding for cloning. “Of course ve vant to see the art of cloning advanced. Then everyone can taste Sarah Palin's luscious and beautiful neck, except for the dirty stinking zombies.”

Reaction to the announcement of the stimulus was mixed on Wall Street where champagne corks rose quickly on the news, but drinks were downed forcibly.