This is the time of year when we're all looking for something new and exciting to pile on our nearly maxed credit cards. Many of you, I'm sure, are eyeing various high-tech devices, such as iPods, TiVos, or even personal computers, especially Windows PCs. You are suckers. Particularly you; I'm talking to you specifically. You are a sucker. Computers are worthless and will only ruin your life like they've ruined everyone else's.
I'm not saying this for my own selfish gain: I am not a "Mac" guy and, in fact, I work in the industry, so this is not helping me personally at all. Even more accurately, you're reading this now thanks to many advanced technologies, which are also crap. You think they're good, but they're worthless. You've been sold a bill of goods, chumply.
You may think I'm crazy, but hear me out. See I came to this realization last night standing in line at OfficeMax, which is probably the only time OfficeMax has ever been the cause of anything inspiring in its entire dreary history. Nobody actually wants to go to OfficeMax, you have to go there. Last night, I had to go because our printer ran out of toner, and luckily for me Canon makes the only printers on the planet that nobody can refill for you cheaply. So off I go to drop $80 on a new cartridge. Ho ho ho.
You can't swing a dead vole around lately without hitting a reality series on television. Being a guy who writes things, I can't help but be resistant to this trend. I know they're cheaper to produce than scripted entertainment, but are they really more satisfying? Think back (if you can) to the last series that really made you laugh and I'll bet someone wrote it. If someone didn't, and you're still laughing, chances are you're laughing at someone and not with them. There are plenty of poor bastards on reality T.V. too to chuckle at. After all they're just slobs like us with cameras stuck in their faces trying desperately not to look like a complete dork in front of 30 million people.
This is not to say reality T.V. isn't entertaining or even educational in its own right. It can be, provided you're watching the right stuff and paying attention.
A buddy of mine recently sent me a link to a Fox News video clip. This wasn’t anything out of the ordinary: he and I routinely engage in political email debates over many public policy matters, such as the energy crisis, the wars, global warming, etc. Regardless of the topic, these emails follow a predictable format: “Hey, Scott,” he’ll write, “look what you silly liberals are doing all wrong now, you nutbags!” “Oh yeah,” I'll write back, “well look at what you wingnuts have to offer, let me just grab my brown shirt and start burning books!” And so they go. Sometimes he drags his mother into it when he’s really desperate.
This time, however, honestly because I really needed to write something for IRREVERENT, I decided to take time to revise and extend my remarks for the greater public, beyond those guys in the N.S.A. who steal my emails.
The link was to a video that showed California Democrat Maxine Waters, who represents California’s 35th Congressional district, threatening the big oil executives testifying before her. Waters, who’s been in the House since 1991, wasn’t threatening the well grazed chief executives with bodily violence. She knew better than that. Waters would be lucky to hold up these guys’ dinner plates, let alone cause any major damage to their behemoth frames. Instead she was threatening to nationalize the oil industry itself in the United States, apparently (there was no context for the clip) in response to her perceived unwillingness of the industry to offer the American public (in California’s 35th district that is) gas-price relief.
There's no shortage of topics to write about after a few month hiatus from this juggernaut of whimsy. There's been a tragic shooting at Virginia Tech., a Commander-in-Chief less popular than the weakest Fox reality series, and a set of foreign occupations that leave us longing for a more Vietnam-like imbroglio. Any one of these would be worthy of comedic polish, and indeed were until I recently ordered a new fan for my office. Now normally you may not think this would rank up there with military occupations and psycho-shooters, but it does. In fact, this single stupid event revealed a way to save billions of dollars, possibly end our dependence on foreign oil and stall global warming.
Overblown? Overly dramatic? Let me explain.
IRREVERENT is a parody of a news magazine, and opinions, random thoughts, gestures, gesticulations, comments, bizarre rantings or anything anyone on the planet (or elsewhere) may possibly find objectionable, actionable, stupid, pointless, and/or misleadingly silly may or may not be shared by the management of IRREVERENT Publishing, LLC. Celebrity voices in the IRREVERENT Podcast are impersonated. People, products or services mentioned or depicted in IRREVERENT Magazine are referenced only for criticism or comment, and are not intended to imply an endorsement of IRREVERENT nor any other product or service unless explicitly stated otherwise.