WASHINGTON - Shortly after tweeting his oath of office, President Trump signed his first executive order to "vastly increase" the nation's message couriers, from approximately 9 currently to "many millions" by 2018.
Funding for the additional couriers, estimated at "not too much" will be paid for by an "excessive email tariff" that "will probably be paid for .... by the Chinese, I don't know, we'll see," the Executive Order read.
When not asked at all for a comment, the President tweeted: "This is a great day for America. Never trust email.ONLY send things by hand! Ask DNC!"
Speaking later, House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wisconsin) called the initiative "interesting" noting that it was also "consistent."
Wall Street used the news to savagely beat tech stocks, already wary and afraid, into a bloody pulp in swift morning trading. Halting only to sop up the blood from its barbed wire-wrapped bat, The Street smiled and looked over the rest of the stocks, playing a game of "eeny, meeny, miny, moe" before choosing Yahoo to be next.