WASHINGTON - Today President Trump signed more executive orders, including a withdrawal from the Pacific trade deal supported by President Obama, with his EEG pattern. "We don't know why," said Senior White House Reporter Steve Stanley.
"This is completely consistent with President Trump's open door policy of complete transparency," said White House spokesman Sean Spicer after hosing the down the rabid White House press corp with a high powered water cannon. "He's literally telling you what's on his mind via his EEG [electroencephalography or brain pattern]."
Speaking on the condition that we mention her name "prominently," White House counselor Kellyanne Conway called all media coverage of the president's EEG signature "wildly inaccurate" and without the "correct facts, the facts that we alone possess." (This was prior to the publication of this article, the only one mentioning it.)
Dr. Ben Carson, an accomplished neurosurgeon, nominee and obvious pick for Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, confirmed that the presidential EEG signature "closely correlated" to a typical "Theta wave pattern of the President." Dr. Carson couldn't speculate as to why the president signed the executive orders with his Theta pattern wave, but he was "sure" the president "didn't know either." After a quick nap, Dr. Carson went on to thank us for asking him a question "in his field for once," and then asked us "which way is the Congress." We pointed to the Capitol rotunda in the distance and he seemed happy with that.
Wall Street shrugged off the president's odd behavior, sending pharma stocks soaring on "a potential surge in sleep disorder drugs" before plummeting when everyone remembered it was Monday and they were too tired for a rally.